Author Archives: plumpdumpling

Utica Ave. Panhandler Screwdrives Cop, and I Rethink My Charitable Subway Givings

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 4, 2009 – 2:35 pm
Filed under fun times on the subway, living in new york sucks so hard
Tagged as ,

A couple months back, Dr. Boyfriend and I were headed downtown on the M15 bus, which is perpetually crowded during going-out times despite it being articulated, meaning that’s it’s hooked to a second bus with this accordion-like segment to make it doubly long. The entire back row of the second half happened to look empty, though, so I made my way back and sat down.

Only upon sitting, I noticed a transient-looking fellow with wild hair and ripped clothes lying across half of the row, but I decided to play it cool. Because as I told you, I try not to overreact about homeless and obviously insane people like most people do. But Kamran took one look at the guy and made me move, mouthing to me as he pulled my arm, What are you thinking?! What I was thinking was that no one pulls any kind of crazy killing shenanigans on public transportation. Because evidently things like the Canada Greyhound beheading only stick with me for a day or two.

But then this crazy panhandler had to go and stab a cop of all people in a subway station. And now every time I tip a mariachi band on the subway, I’m going to wonder if they’re concealing sharpened screwdrivers in the pockets of their ponchos.

Incidentally, we watched the “Golden Girls” episode about the nudist club last night.

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 1, 2009 – 12:29 pm
Filed under too much information
Tagged as

I’m a member of the online dating site OkCupid.com in the hope that when Dr. Boyfriend and I break up some day, you’ll look me up on there and woo me hardcore. Due to the fact that I’m not supposed to appeal to anyone in my current state of relationshipness, I’ve agreed to not change my horrible photos and to fill my profile with totally unattractive drivel such as:

Nobody’s really just looking for friends and activity partners on here, right? But I am! Seriously! And just think of all the activities we can engage in! That don’t in any way involve our genitals! Except, like, if we specifically decide to engage in genital-related non-sexual activities! Like by joining a nudist colony and shaving our genitals! Together! To get to know each other a little better! And to have the best-looking genitals in the entire colony!

AND YET. I receive messages all of the time from men who make me feel sad for people who are actually looking for dates. Such as this one, from a user in his 50s:

I used to live in Brookyn, in the Bushwick area. I thought I would write and get to know you. I notice you say about joining a nude club and shaving each other’s genitals. I would love to do that with you. Or at least to join a nude club together. I would love to smell your vagina too. I am sure it smells sweet!!

I mean, thank you and all, but no. I think the rule should be that if you wouldn’t walk up to me in a bar and say it to my face, you shouldn’t say it online, either.

And now you should tell me about the even awesomer messages you’ve received.

Two Other Things of Note

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 30, 2009 – 11:36 am
Filed under administrative
Tagged as


Subway Ad Alteration on my Examiner blog


Food Porn #1 on my food blog

Warm-Weather Weekend

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 30, 2009 – 8:45 am
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, living in new york is neat, par-tay
Tagged as , , ,

Last weekend felt like the greatest of the winter to spring transitionings ever. I’m not one for sunburns and sweat, but without the burden of twenty pounds of winter coat, walking outdoors suddenly seemed like a joy. After three months of holing up with Kamran in his apartment and dreading every social invitation, I realized that I don’t actually hate my friends. Incredible!

On Saturday night, I first met up with Jessica-the-German-intern and Erika-who-moved-from-Boston-specifically-to-work-for-my-company-a-month-before-they-laid-her-off for dinner at Cucina di Pesce, which we chose because it supposedly had outdoor seating and giant plates of delicious food for tiny prices. But no! My meal was four pieces of toasted raviolo for $2 each. And you know I’m a growing girl. But luckily, the fresh air made up for it, as did the intense debate about whether or not the craigslist killer is hot.

After that, I took the ladies to my favourite freaky sour frozen yogurt place (which is, just so you know, NOT PINKBERRY), where we loaded up on toppings so intense I’ll only be able to tell you about them when I review it in donuts4dinner.com. Look how yogurt-filled and glowing Jessica and I are:

Then we met up with our friend Sonya for her boyfriend, Adam’s, birthday party at ACE Bar, where she was busy wearing a romper, showing off her side tattoos, and basically making out with innocent drunk girls:

Despite the fact that ACE has skeeball, darts, pool, animal-shooting games, and frat boys, Jessica and I were sort of sticking to the vinyl seats and having about this much fun:

So we gathered our friend Beth, ditched the Asians, and went to an outdoor bar down the street for an all white girl party with frozen margaritas and lots of talk about how we should all move to Paris, the white girl dream capital of the world.

I’d planned to meet up with Sonya to continue the Adam-related festivities at Beauty Bar, but then Beth offered me a ride home in her Alfa Romeo, which is a convertible, and convertible trumps claustrophobic bar. So we drove through the streets, wind in our very short hair, lights blurring, people yelling at us from their balconies, “Nice car!”, us waving back:

And that was only the beginning.

Melodramaticism in Downtown New York

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 28, 2009 – 10:02 am
Filed under living in new york sucks so hard
Tagged as ,

Things that are great about working in downtown New York City:


The view from your boss’ corner office, which you secretly consider your own,


watching the Staten Island Ferry roll in and out from the conference room
as you take the afternoon off to play your Nintendo DS

Statue-of-Liberty-gazing in Battery Park,
pretending you’re Patrick Bateman in American Psycho at Harry’s Steakhouse,
watching tourists cup the bull’s balls near Wall Street,
and so on and so on.

Things that are not great about working in downtown New York City:

Giant planes flying two millimeters from your office building and your security department coming over the loudspeakers to tell you that lots of other nearby buildings are evacuating but that you should sit tight and hope to not get smashed into.

Even not greater is that you happened to be downstairs at the building’s Starbucks getting your expensive iced coffees when the announcement was made, and you didn’t understand why all of these businesspeople were crowding the sidewalks until you came back upstairs to mass hysteria.

Also: your company’s facilities department is ordering facemasks and hand sanitizer for everyone in the office due to the swine flu outbreak. You’re trying to keep it a secret that you both were raised on a pig farm and had pork for dinner last night.