Category Archives: living in new york sucks so hard

This is What Being Good Gets You

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, living in new york sucks so hard, restaurant ramblings
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My roommate, Jack, and I stopped at the local Wendy’s recently to pick up a snack before heading home. A man sitting at the table just inside the door greeted us as we entered, but after being preyed upon countless times during my formative years here in NYC, I’ve trained myself to ignore anyone who might possibly try to pry what little money I have out of my grubby little Ohio hands. Jack, on the other hand, despite having lived here almost his entire life, somehow missed out on those teachings and shockingly turned to see what the man wanted. FOOL!!

Immediately noting the man’s homeless appearance, Jack tried to escape what was to come by innocently saying, “Let me just get my food.” But the guy had obviously been around the block once or twice and said, “Oh, god bless you, sir. Thank you, sir.” How could Jack resist a guilt trip like that?

By going out the back door–that’s how. When we spotted the alternative exit, it was like you could actually see the weight lifted off of Jack’s shoulders. He would simply grab his food, slip out the other door, and feel like he was off the hook just by virtue of inconvenience. Surely no one–even god–would expect him to walk all the way to the front of the restaurant just to hand over his money.

But as luck would have it, the guy apparently watched us work our way through the ten-minute line and then met us at the ketchup stand, where Jack was busy filling little paper cups with the manifestation of all our sins. “Thank you, sir,” he repeated. “God bless you, sir.” So of course Jack had to give him a dollar.

Heart-Shaped Chicken Nugget

And wouldn’t you know it, when he got home and unpacked his nuggets, nestled at the bottom was one shaped like a heart.

Refuse, Facial Hair, and Shameless Flattery

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, holidays don't suck for me, living in new york sucks so hard
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I realize I didn’t say goodbye to you guys, but I’m sure it wasn’t hard for you to figure out that I left on the 22nd of December for Christmas in Ohio and returned to NYC this past weekend to lots of this:


Yeah, that’s trash covered in snow. But they’re recyclables! So that makes it okay.

But also a boyfriend who’d hottly grown out his beard because he’s out out of school and off of work for the next two months to study for the Bar Exam:

And a few lingering Christmas trees not-hidden behind frosted glass:

Now I need to go get caught up on your lives. Did Bachelor Girl give an in-depth account of the events leading up to her notorious Christmas card? Did Serial and Kinard become BFFs behind my back? Is Cristy a medical transcriptioner yet? Did the Super Bowl happen, and was Bluz there to wreak havoc? Has Jessica had her baby yet (I think she has, like, 12 weeks to go, but WHO KNOWS)? And what about Tessa and Julie and Kim and . . .

How Not to Live in New York City

Filed under living in new york sucks so hard
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Obviously I could’ve (and hopefully someday will) written this better, but this How to Live in New York City blog post that’s being passed around did strike one chord with me:

Encounter a lot of people crying in public. Watch an NYU student cry in Think Coffee, a business woman in midtown sob into her cellphone, an old man whimper on a stoop in Greenpoint. At first, it will feel very jarring but, like everything else, it will become normal. Have your first public cry in front of a Bank of America. Cry so hard and don’t care if people are watching you. You pay good money to be able to cry in public.

I remember–when I first moved here and felt so alien and could only afford to fly home twice a year for comfort–crying everywhere. I remember breaking down in Union Square on my way home from a movie one night out of nowhere and realizing it was because I missed my dad so hard. I remember spending hours in the Olive Garden down the street from my Chelsea apartment sobbing to my then-boyfriend one afternoon, much to the bewilderment of our waiter, because the clothes designer I was working for had let me go due to my not showing enough cleavage and refusing to spend the weekend at his house. I remember crying so long and hard one night that we had to watch Napoleon Dynamite twice to cheer me up.

And I pay good money to live here and do that.

Hey, He Started It

Filed under living in new york sucks so hard, my uber-confrontational personality
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Last night, I was at the drugstore in my new neighborhood. It has one of those queues that starts at one end of the store with a little “Enter” sign, and if you’re at the opposite end, you’re met with a little wall that tells you you’re not in the right place to join the line. So I entered at the end of the queue lane like a good little girl with my new toothbrush in hand, but just as I got to the line of cash registers, this dude cut in front of the wall, slipped ahead of me, and sidled up to the cashier who should’ve been helping me.

Now, I don’t blame anyone for not going to the end of the queue when there’s no one in line–I get a real kick out of going around unnecessarily long ones, actually–but you’d better be sure your rule-breaking isn’t going to end with you cutting in front of someone like this guy. And of course the cashier didn’t notice what he did or care to do anything about it, so I said, “I know you know what you just did.” But he either didn’t hear me or didn’t care to let on.

A second later, I heard him turn to the racially-similar guy next to him and ask him to “help a brother out” with some money to cover his purchase. The guy next to him said, “Don’t play me like that,” and the ditcher said, “I have kids to feed!” His cashier pulled his item away from him, and he said, “When you have kids, you’ll understand!” And then another lane freed up, and I paid for my toothbrush and assorted other entirely unnecessary trivialities with my loads of cash.

The Only Hope I Have This Christmas Season is the Hope That You’ll Develop Lung Cancer

Filed under living in new york sucks so hard, wtf
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There seems to be this misconception outside of NYC that all the things you hear about New Yorkers being mean are untrue, that people living in the city are actually helpful and unselfish despite the stories to the contrary.

Sometimes, to tell the truth, something wonderful will happen here, and I’ll start to think maybe I’ve misjudged everyone.

But then I’ll peer out the bus window, through the glass bus shelter, and into the drugstore at 42nd and Lexington and see this lady smoking inside:

I tell myself she’s smoking one of those fake cigarettes that only emits water vapor, but I think we both know that’s not true.