Monthly Archives: July 2010

4th of July in Ohio (Featuring Bethany!)

Filed under holidays don't suck for me, no i really do love ohio
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I’m notoriously bad about doing really exciting things and never posting about them, but luckily, I have my cousin to write me e-mails that say things like, “When you’re expecting to STAR in a WORLD-FAMOUS BLOG on the INTERNET, it’s tough to be patient.” This is for her:


Tracey shows off a sparkler amidst a backdrop of our matching Mmmerica! shirts with a flag made out of bacon and waffles.


Crazy Aunt Dort™ dishes up a slice of her famous chocolate cake and homemade ice cream in her deliciously 1970s kitchen.


Off-center fireworks shot posing as art


My cousin, Bethany, gets her punishment for coming in last at our game of croquet.


My cousin Alex displays his “muscles” while playing Cornhole with his dad.


A view of my childhood home from my grandparents’ backyard


Despite their stinkiness, dogs totally redeem themselves by looking forward to seeing you way too much.


Despite her stinkiness, Bethany totally redeems herself by talking her mom into committing heinous acts like this.

Like I said . . . Really. Exciting. Things.

These Boots Were Made for Walkin’

Filed under funner times on the bus, it's fun to be fat, why i'm better than everyone else
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I do not run for things. Like, physically. This is perhaps the reason why the gym doesn’t work out for me. I would much, much rather be late to something than to hurry myself, to rush across the street on a flashing Don’t Walk sign to catch a fleeting bus or to plow down some station stairs to catch a train sitting with its doors open for an extra second. I think people who run for things look stupid. I hate people who are too eager. I hate people who care about things too much when they’re things I don’t care about.

Yet last Friday morning, I found myself turning the corner onto 42nd Street, seeing the bus waiting at the stop, noticing there was still a long line of people waiting to get on, and actually breaking out in a run. I have no idea why. I was running late, but why would I care about running late? Maybe it’s that I knew I would be getting to the stop just as the bus was pulling away and that everyone on the bus would know I had meant to get on it and that that would be more embarrassing that bothering myself to run for it. I’m irrational like that.

So I took off in the fastest jog I could in a pair of really rubbery flip-flops, and things were going pretty well. I probably could’ve walked just as fast if I really wanted to put in the effort of swinging my arms and rolling my hips and all, so I figured I was still looking fairly nonchalant to anyone who might be judging my eagerness, yet I hopefully looked like I cared enough about making it onto the bus that the driver would take pity and wait on me if everyone else loaded quickly.

But then, halfway down the block, the toe part of one of my flip-flops suddenly somehow doubled under itself and messed up my rhythm, and I had to stop to straighten things out. Just then, this beautiful brown-skinned woman went gliding past me in a summery black dress, her natural hair highlighted with a white faux flower. Her long, slender legs, fitted with soft black ballerina flats, flitted in front of her one at a time like those of a more-graceful gazelle. I somehow expected that she’d stop, that we’d laugh about me trying to run in my stupid shoes, and that we’d walk arm in arm to the bus. Instead, she probably laughed as my shorter, stouter legs, bound in too-tight, too-hot jeans pounded the pavement in comparison, and while she boarded the bus nimbly with a bounce, I hoisted myself up, out of breath and windblown with the entire bus glowering at me for making them wait.

That’ll teach me to try.

Almost Getting Hit by a Car Really Shows You the Darkest Parts of Your Soul

Filed under uncategorized

I walked up to the corner of 40th Street and Tunnel Exit Street (really, that’s what it’s called). The dreaded electric company had its trucks blocking 40th while the crew worked on something buried beneath the street, and a man in a blue vest and hard hat kept moving orange cones to allow cars out of the parking garage. The walk light was blinking red, so I decided to hang back, what with the confusion over the street closure and all.

The cars on Tunnel Exit Street got their green light and flew past me in the way that only cars in NYC can when getting stopped by red lights every block, and then the light changed. I stepped out onto the street, and though I saw a cab ready to turn the corner out of the corner of my eye, and even as his bumper literally touched the leg of my pants, I thought, Of course he’s going to stop.

But he didn’t, and before I knew what was happening, I was leaned over the hood of his car, both hands on it like I was going to be able to push it away from me. Without evening thinking, even before I stood back up again, I screamed, “I HAVE A FUCKING WALK SIGN!!

I never thought I’d be a person who yells at other people. Growing up in Ohio, I never raised my voice to anyone but my little sister, and she totally deserved it. I don’t think I said a single curse word until 8th grade, and even then, I just did it because some kids said I wouldn’t. I was raised to give people the benefit of the doubt, to think before I speak, and to feel guilty when I don’t.

The cab driver leaned out his window and said, “The light! The light!”, pointing to the stoplight above his head. I thought for .02 seconds that he may have had a green arrow, but then I realized that:

1) the sign wouldn’t have turned to Walk if he had a turn arrow,
2) that light isn’t ever an arrow, and
3) I AM A PEDESTRIAN AND ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.

So even though this cab driver had totally been polite about yelling at me, I looked him in the eye and bellowed again,

I HAVE A FUCKING WALK SIGN!!

And then I crossed the street with my head held high as the electric company crew laughed at me and a couple of guys made fun of me in an Asian language, called Tracey to tell her how I’ve turned into an angry New Yorker, and spent the next 20 minutes hiding out in the grocery store in case he decided to pull around the block and club me with his tire iron.

Have I mentioned I hate cabs?

Hamptons Photodump!

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, living in new york is neat, par-tay
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No, we actually did go to the Hamptons. And here are the pictures to prove it:

[svgallery name=”hamptons”]

Most of these were taken by my friend Anthony, who I want to be when I grow up. He took more than 1000 photos during the trip, if that’s any indication of what a good time we had. The pictures of us playing drunken Cranium (which I don’t even like) for five hours every night have been omitted. As have the pictures of me crying for another five hours after I fell down Rollerblading.

How to Water Plants in NYC

Filed under living in new york is neat
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You should’ve seen the look this guy gave me when he saw me taking a picture of him.

People in some foreign countries don’t have any water at all, and we spray ours all over the sidewalk. I find it kind of sad and kind of awesome.

(Mostly awesome.)