Monthly Archives: May 2010

Is It Racist?

Filed under fun times on the subway, living in new york sucks so hard
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Yesterday morning, I got to Grand Central fairly late, so the morning rush had mostly passed, and I got a comfortable spot on the train. It was held at the station for a few minutes, though, so my comfortable spot soon became cramped as more and more people came down to the platform and tried to pack themselves into the train. Just before the doors closed, a large black man crammed himself in as far as he could, but it wasn’t enough. The doors kept trying to close and then opening back up again, and the man kept thrusting his belly farther and farther into people’s backs to make room, hoping he would finally fit.

A white lady near me got annoyed finally and said, “Get out! There’s not enough room for you.” The man said, “There would be enough room if people would move in.” I disagreed with this, as I was crushed against the person next to me to the point that I couldn’t retrieve my Kindle from my bag, and I was at the point in my book where a vampire baby was about to be born to a human, so you know I would’ve done anything I could to get to it. The woman also disagreed and said, “Where am I supposed to go?! The huge empty space over there?” She was being sarcastic. The guy said, “All of the hot air coming out of you sure is taking up a lot of room.” The woman said, “Oh, great. Another one of them with an attitude.”

The black woman next to me whipped her head around to look at the white lady so fast that I could hear the wind she created whooshing by me, but . . . surely that’s not what she meant, right?

Just Your Average Day on the Bus

Filed under funner times on the bus, living in new york sucks so hard
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I saw a woman on the bus today who had my hair! It was a pixie cut that had grown out into loose S-shaped waves woven together like a basket. Obviously she was black, and obviously it was a wig, because this sort of freak hair doesn’t occur in nature.

When she got off, I noticed that this jerk who always steals seats from little old ladies was sitting in one of the single-person seats. I stared at the ugly cluster of moles on his neck and felt a sudden urge to ask him, “Are you developmentally disabled?” Because I really think it would help me understand him. But after Charles’s warning yesterday that I’m going to get punched one of these days, I decided not to tempt it.

And then, as I was going down the stairs into Grand Central, first an old woman was blocking the entrance while she talked on her cell phone, and then the guy in front of me on the stairs was walking waaaaaay too slowly, so I looked around him and saw that he was reading his paper as he descended.

Kill! Kill! Kill!

exCUUUUUZE MAAAAAAY!

Filed under fun times on the subway, living in new york sucks so hard, my uber-confrontational personality
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(I’m not going to make you click on the link to Examiner.com to finish the story like usual, but if you want to earn me a little cash, anyway, here’s the link. Thanks!)

The platform was crowded at Grand Central this morning, and it would’ve certainly been reasonable for me to hang back for the next train, but I could see through the windows that people weren’t moving to the center of the car to make room, and I wasn’t going to let them think that was okay.

So I pushed my way on with everyone else, and I fit just fine. The guy behind me kept rearranging himself, though, so I was getting pushed into the woman in front of me. Who, by the way, was one of those stop-immediately-inside-the-door-and-block-it-for-everyone-else types. I figured that being punched in the ribs a little is one of the most charming aspects of the morning commute, but I guess I got shoved into her one too many times, because she turned and said with the grossest pinched-nose accent, “EXCUSE ME!” Except it sound like, “exCUUUUUZE MAAAAAAY!” I was a good three inches taller than her, and I was still pressed up against her, so I looked down at her in all of her blue-eyeshadowed glory with my most intimidating face and said, “It’s not my fault, lady; I’m being pushed. Calm. The fuck. Down.“

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah. “Calm the fuck down.” You think being told to calm down in an argument cuts? Insert the word fuck at 8:30 a.m.

I had to stand there next to her until we got down to Union Square, and it was uncomfortable, sure, but I felt justified, and she had luckily turned her head away from me. When the train doors opened, people left, we repositioned ourselves in different parts of the car, and I got my Kindle out to continue reading book 4 of the Twilight series. (What?) I didn’t think about her again.

And then, safely inside my office building, guess who walked into my elevator. Future work BFFs!

My World is Falling Apart

Filed under administrative
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Tracey tells me that the WordPress plugin that e-mails my replies to your comments has stopped functioning. This is good news for you if you’re annoyed that you have to read my replies but are too polite to not include your e-mail address in your comments. But it makes me feel like one of those normal bloggers who can’t even have plugins.

I might as well not reply to comments at all!

I might as well stop blogging!

I MIGHT AS WELL DIE!!

How’s It Hangin’?

Filed under jobby jobby job job, narcissism, potty mouth
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I just noticed today, after working at the same company for almost four years, that the woman who refills the toilet paper in our bathroom puts one roll into the side-by-side holder so that the paper’s dispensed on top and one roll in so that it comes from underneath.

I love that the janitorial company cares enough to not take sides in the over/under debate, even though one of the sides is clearly incorrect.