I’m a member of the online dating site OkCupid.com in the hope that when Dr. Boyfriend and I break up some day, you’ll look me up on there and woo me hardcore. Due to the fact that I’m not supposed to appeal to anyone in my current state of relationshipness, I’ve agreed to not change my horrible photos and to fill my profile with totally unattractive drivel such as:
Nobody’s really just looking for friends and activity partners on here, right? But I am! Seriously! And just think of all the activities we can engage in! That don’t in any way involve our genitals! Except, like, if we specifically decide to engage in genital-related non-sexual activities! Like by joining a nudist colony and shaving our genitals! Together! To get to know each other a little better! And to have the best-looking genitals in the entire colony!
AND YET. I receive messages all of the time from men who make me feel sad for people who are actually looking for dates. Such as this one, from a user in his 50s:
I used to live in Brookyn, in the Bushwick area. I thought I would write and get to know you. I notice you say about joining a nude club and shaving each other’s genitals. I would love to do that with you. Or at least to join a nude club together. I would love to smell your vagina too. I am sure it smells sweet!!
I mean, thank you and all, but no. I think the rule should be that if you wouldn’t walk up to me in a bar and say it to my face, you shouldn’t say it online, either.
And now you should tell me about the even awesomer messages you’ve received.
26 Comments
Um, hello! Why is this not a guest post on DIW? Can we post it next week with a link to you? I LOVE it.
I WOULD LOVE THAT! I always want to have something to post there with y’all, but my dating life is usually too normal and monogamous.
Thanks, creepy Internet dating guy!
At first I thought you were calling me a creepy internet dating guy, and I was all, um, I’m a lady, lady. Then I realized you were talking about the guy who wants to sniff your cooter.
No, I WAS talking about you. I was just using guy in the more general sense . . . ? Okay, not really.
But now I really want to link you to a YouTube video of my best friend saying guy in this really hilarious way she does. Only I don’t have a video of that, so it’s not on YouTube.
The gals must get all the fun messages, I try and keep all my offensive messages nonsexual, because I am a gentleman and all.
Did I ever tell you that Tracey saw you on there once? You were suggested to her as a new local fellow who may capture her interest.
I really wish you would’ve sent her one of your very ungentlemanly e-mails without realizing who she was.
I wonder if he’s the kind of guy who really would say that to you in a bar.
Depending on his tone of voice, I may or may not find it hot.
This guy sent me all these emails. In one day. Even though I’m pretty sure he knew I was married.
day to day
just read ur profile…seems like..i been down that road..well,this same rd.,be glad to cross the street with you..into the land of life…if you want to go there..why not, i’m wasting time too..had a bike..divorce took it away..that was yrs. ago..i’m a freebird now…wanna fly around sometime..i’ll go.
young at heart
don’t get me wrong….but…my tongue is getting nervous..cause u look good enough to eat….over and over and over…sorry..that just slipped out…i’ll delete that later…my fault!..if u mail me back…that’s your fault!!!we can go from there…
next time
been married a few times,…if it don’t work…so what..u tried…life got the better of you..that time!.move on..!..try again later…if u can…life ain’t easy..AND it’s short…just a blink..and ur gone… got a moment or two to share.?..partner up again and go on…i’d love to be Next..probably your last…i’m that loving! i dare u to try me…………….tom
r u really there
been counting on my toes…i’d rather count on your toes though…get the picture…first the toe then the leg…i better stop there…my fault!…sorry…just was having a moment….(u was in it !) i’ll go away if u want me to….(don’t though!!!)..
hello
still waiting on u honey..hope u respond soon…it’s like trying to steal second base,..anxious,high hopes….getting ready..when??…now!..just throw the ball!!..so we can see where life lands us……. .
hello again
sence u didn’t answer,,i reckon u don’t want me to pick on u no more…so i’ll leave u alone…sure thought u were ,,well,my dreams don’t count….have a jelly donut..and act like i bought it!(let me kno if u chang ur mind….i really need a girl like u in my life…[i’ll delete that later]…damn im stupid sometimes….lol
Ahhhh, I love this guy so much, and I’m so glad to have all of his e-mails collected in my blog. I think “just throw the ball!!..so we can see where life lands us……. .” is my favourite part.
Seriously, though, how could you resist writing back to him?
I am so jealous right now. I’ve never met ANYONE that pervy on an internet dating site. One time I started chatting with this really cute Korean dude who, as it turns out, wanted to pee on me, but he totally dropped the subject once I told him no.
But why would you tell him no?
I mean, once he brings it up at all, he’s sort of out of the running for a date, right? So cut the guy a break a play along, you heartless hussy.
What do you expect?
I’m a
heartbreaker
dream maker
love taker
Korean boys with pee fetishes shouldn’t mess around with me!
I’m a
heartbreaker
dream maker
love taker
Don’t you mess around – no no NO!
Sorry.
No, really, I truly am sorry. I don’t know what came over me.
UGH, my GOD, one time I had this guy who looked like an extremely fat version of that Backstreet Boy with the pencil-thin facial hair. He tried to lure me in with sweet words about his Italian leather sectional and his lighted pool.
Despite the terrible facial hair, I probably would’ve gone out with him had it been his Italian leather sectional that was lighted.
Nothing THAT amazing, but I saved this one. It’s kind of endearingly awful:
“And if you dont believe anything in my profile,I will prove it,I dont lie,i leave that up to the Democrats! If you got the energy and will in you to keep up and live life like there is no tomorrow, then lets go!If you are a peace activist,psycho,anti-american,French,German,or any other country that dislikes USA,then take your happy elsewhere, I will buy your ticket. I can afford to be picky because I will not be of those statistics of divorces in the South by picking a whinning activist French weasel or a woman that does not know what she wants in a future.”
Wow, so, this is obviously someone who just copies and pastes that into every message he sends, right? Because I’m pretty sure you’d never have anything in your profile that says “militant America-lover”.
Against the judgment of everyone I knew, I tried to set up a public meeting with him where everyone could be at the bar watching us, but then I made the mistake of bringing copies of his emails to work, and one of my coworkers left him a voicemail and ruined it all for me.
I certainly HOPE it wasn’t some sort of personalized missive. Maybe he could smell that my first language was (gasp!) German… or that I’m about as Democrat-inclined as any expat can be…
But then why message me in the first place? Ah, well. Generic copypasta or not, it’s still funny to me nearly five years later.
if the hubster ever ditched me (after 17 years!?!?!) and i was alone…i would join a nunnery or something…anything to avoid the horror show that is internet dating. i’m scared. stalker, hoo-hah sniffing strangers freak me out.
But, those hoo-hah-sniffing strangers are such a source of entertainment!
I don’t want to date them, no, but I sure do love the attention from them.
I had someone fake-propose to me early on. That was slightly horrifying. This one I mostly found impressive in size and scope (that’s what he said!), but, also, what the fuck??
“Hey there, I saw your profile and also saw that you live kinda close to me. I live in Lisle, near Naperville. I’m not sure what exactly I’m supose to be saying on here, lol. Heh, I’m not even sure why I created a profile. One of my girly friends told me about this site told me to give OkCupid a chance. The main thing for me is that I’d like to meet someone who isn’t drunk. I’m a down to earth guy with a big heart and loves to have fun with people.
I know once you read my profile you’ll notice my desires and goals in life. It may or may not scare some people away, but it shows the serious side of me. But right now, I feel like I’m not who I want to be yet. I feel a little lost because I’ve been out of the dating game for such a long time. I’m only now getting back into social scene and meeting new people at bars and clubs, and it’s not exactly how I envision my life at 29 yers old. For example, I’ll tell you how my past week has been. It’s definitely been a good change in my life.
I got invited to go downtown with an old high school and college friend to Crobar on Wednesday. My friends can usually get us in for free because they know most of the door men. They said we’d still have to pay $50 to get in because they had one of the top 10 djs in the world playing there. The door men said we could get in free any night but that night. We ended up going to the Republic which is around the corner from Crobar.
It was a better choice because we got in free there and I ended up knowing one of the bartenders there. It was pretty cool for one of the craziest nights of the year. Downtown was so packed I felt like it was July 3rd when Chicago has their fireworkds. Can’t beat getting free drinks for everyone.
Friday night we ended up going to Crobar again, lol. Ya my friend Erica really loves going to Crobar to dance. I ended up going to the Crobar website and signing up for reservations for a table. I just thought it was one of those RSVP things where you just sign up and get in free. Well this guy name Brad calls me up and tells me its like $200 for one bottle and the group gets in free. I was like hell no, lol. I told him my friend Erica usually gets us in for free. So he said just look for him when we get there and he’ll take care of us.
So we got there and found that Brad guy. Turns out he new Erica too. Me and her there. (Erica is an old high school and college buddy of mine, she’s got a bf and a kid but likes to dance on her days off.) Anyways, so we got in free and I’ve never seen so many islam people in my life. Even the djs were from India. Turns out it was India night. Erica’s girlfriend and her man friend came late and we wanted to leave.
Her friend ended up taking us to Sound Bar. We got in Sound Bar for free because Erica’s friend that came new people who had a table inside. It’s a good thing because the line was so long, it rapped around the building. It turns out that they had some top 10 dj playing that night too. OMG the dance music was so tough and different from what other clubs play. It was like a constant loud base that you could feel vibrating through your whole body. There wasn’t one person there not dancing. It was probably one the great times of my life there. I only bought a few drinks because I didn’t want to miss out on the music. I still can’t get over how good it was.
Well that was my excitement. Its so weird. I’m single and I’m going out to these clubs and feeling like I was 21 all over again, but this time I’m not even looking for a girl to be with. I just feel like its not the place to find girls, ya know? I even had two beautiful girls (sloppy drunk) randomly come up to me asking me for a photo with them. They wanted me to follow them inside, I wasn’t even interested because they were so sloppy drunk. It’s just not what I’m looking for. Heh.
Anyways, maybe I’ll hear from ya, maybe not. I’m a down to earth guy and I’m just looking for “good people” to meet again.”
I . . . don’t know what to say. What in that thesis of a message was supposed to win you over? The fact that he doesn’t like drunk girls? The fact that he and his friends can get into bars for free? The fact that he’s a cheapskate unwilling to pay $200 for a bottle? The fact that he’s seen one of the top 10 DJs in the world?
Did you reply?
I’m pretty sure that creepy 50 year old man would be happy to walk up to you in a bar and say those things to your face. Maybe saying those things is just what they used to say in the olden days.
OH MY GOD. I just got this message, and I immediately sought out this post so I could paste it here!!
“Hi.
Don’t pay any attention to me. I’m a crazy old coot looking for someone to love that’s half his age. Why? Have you seen what most women over 40 look like? I have kids too. My daughters have all dated older men. Much older.
So I thought if it’s good enough for them then it must be okay to write people who I think are beautiful without worrying about the stigma of being around people who’re younger. Besides, I don’t fit in very well with people my own age. I don’t know why. I love to skateboard and hangout at beaches and get stoned.
Though I don’t drink or smoke cigaretts I do smoke weed. That is a MAJOR problem for older women. I kind of got stuck at 28 and I’ve been there ever since. Not really a good thing I guess. It does make it hard to meet people.
Consider a older man. He would worship the ground you walk on. Give you anything in his power to give you. Be permissive and understanding beyond what any man in his 20’s or 30’s could manage.
Talk to me. See what I’m like then decide I’m an unworthy old fart. lol”
Most appetizing thing ever, RIGHT???