I didn’t watch the Oscars last night (and similarly didn’t see a single one of the nominated movies this year, because seriously, what?), but here’s what I gather happened based on the tweets and Facebook updates of my friends:
• Billy Crystal appeared in blackface (this has to be a joke, right?)
• J. Lo’s nipple slipped
• People liked Rooney Mara but not her name
• Everyone thought it was funny to talk about current nominees winning for previous pictures (“if Christopher Plummer doesn’t win for The Sound of Music . . .”, “Meryl Streep has it in the bag for Death Becomes Her“)
• Cirque du Soleil was really the whole reason to watch, unless you were a straight male, in which case it was “gay”
• Someone named Octavia Spencer exists and did something that people are “whoo!”ing about
• Last night was the first night that anyone ever noticed Angelina Jolie is skinny
• Someone sang a song and was missing a tooth
• People exist who don’t like Tom Hanks (WHAT?!)
• Jonah Hill got fat again (YES!)
• People care more about zombies than award shows
I didn’t see The Artist, but here’s my favourite Facebook post about its winning, by my friend Steve:
“What a shock! A mediocre movie that makes people feel that they’re smart and sensitive. Once again, the Academy sinks to the occasion.”
His friend Drew asked, “Was it the ‘Here Come The White People To Save Us!‘ movie?”
Steve said, “No, it was the ‘It’s Silent So It Must Be Art‘ movie.”
Until next year, when I don’t watch again!
