Tag Archives: all of my friends are prettier than i am

Long-Lost Videos of 2010: Part 2

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I know that people hate to/are unable to watch videos, but these are mostly for me.


Our poor, sweet German intern finds himself a Lucky Cheng’s drag show participant (“Ms. Tess Tickles”) during our company’s monthly dinner club. It’s long, but you guys, he dances.


Even when we’re on vacation, Kamran pays absolutely no attention to me. (This one couldn’t fit my “creepy boyfriend obsession” tag any better.)


My friend Sylvan tries to scare me my first time eating jellyfish.


Aaron visits from Australia and boldly sings Backstreet Boys at karaoke. When I ask if I can use the video on my blog, he says he sounds “like a really creepy old country/western singer” and then adds, “Of course you can use it.”

Long-Lost Videos of 2010: Part 1

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Kamran teases me with seafood at the Bally’s Wild West Casino buffet in Atlantic City.


Horseshoe crabs get it on in the Hamptons this summer, and Chantee provides colorful commentary.


A friend who shall remain nameless tells a racist story, and I make a hilarious joke. Math! Ahahahahaha.

This is What Being Good Gets You

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My roommate, Jack, and I stopped at the local Wendy’s recently to pick up a snack before heading home. A man sitting at the table just inside the door greeted us as we entered, but after being preyed upon countless times during my formative years here in NYC, I’ve trained myself to ignore anyone who might possibly try to pry what little money I have out of my grubby little Ohio hands. Jack, on the other hand, despite having lived here almost his entire life, somehow missed out on those teachings and shockingly turned to see what the man wanted. FOOL!!

Immediately noting the man’s homeless appearance, Jack tried to escape what was to come by innocently saying, “Let me just get my food.” But the guy had obviously been around the block once or twice and said, “Oh, god bless you, sir. Thank you, sir.” How could Jack resist a guilt trip like that?

By going out the back door–that’s how. When we spotted the alternative exit, it was like you could actually see the weight lifted off of Jack’s shoulders. He would simply grab his food, slip out the other door, and feel like he was off the hook just by virtue of inconvenience. Surely no one–even god–would expect him to walk all the way to the front of the restaurant just to hand over his money.

But as luck would have it, the guy apparently watched us work our way through the ten-minute line and then met us at the ketchup stand, where Jack was busy filling little paper cups with the manifestation of all our sins. “Thank you, sir,” he repeated. “God bless you, sir.” So of course Jack had to give him a dollar.

Heart-Shaped Chicken Nugget

And wouldn’t you know it, when he got home and unpacked his nuggets, nestled at the bottom was one shaped like a heart.

Disneyland: Part 1

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It has been brought to my attention that I’m never being taken back to Disneyland again if I don’t post the photos from our trip while in California, so here you are, three months later.

We invited Kamran’s friends Gary and Diana along,

Disneyland

thinking that they might enjoy a trip to The Happiest Place on Earth™ without their two kids in tow. Little did we know that Gary and Diana are Disneyland experts and basically made our visit 100 times better than it would’ve been had we gone alone.

After following these fine folks all the way through Anaheim,

Disneyland

the first thing Gary made me do upon our arrival at the park

Disneyland

was stop by City Hall to tell them it was my birthday and get a special button that entitled me to an entire day of Disney employees being forced to joyfully wish me a happy birthday. Even the guys picking up trash were smiling and calling me by name. It really appealed to the famewhore part of me.

Disneyland

Then Gary ran around like a madman, picking up as many FASTPASS tickets as possible while the rest of us stood in line for the less-popular rides like the Jungle Cruise and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh,

Disneyland

which was trippy as hell.

Disneyland
Pooh looks totally evil here, right?

It meant we were able to bypass the horrendous lines on rides like the Indiana Jones Adventure and Splash Mountain

Disneyland

and make little kids cry as they saw us jog past them and their weak little standing-in-line-for-more-than-an-hour legs. Kamran got a real kick out that, obviously.

Disneyland

No, really.

Disneyland

We saw the Sleeping Beauty Castle

Disneyland

and figured out that compared to Disney World’s Cinderella Castle, only the Seven Dwarfs could sleep here:

Disneyland
Although staying there is by invitation only, apparently, so even they probably couldn’t.
Stinky dwarf feet and all.

We went on Pirates of the Caribbean twice,

Disneyland

mostly to see this guy suggestively humping his canon:

Disneyland
Right? I’m not just imagining how dirty that is.

After seeing churros cart after churros cart,

Disneyland

we finally bought one, because I swear those things don’t exist at Disney World.

Disneyland
Also suggestive.

Disneyland

Along with cotton candy.

Disneyland

And a funnel cake.

Disneyland

Which gave Kamran the energy to conquer the feats of strength in Toontown. Which are of course meant for children.

Disneyland

Not that Kamran can in any way be considered adult.

MORE TO COME!

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010!

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Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
104 years of celebrating pumpkins, people.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
And celebrating deep-fried everything, of course.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
Do you think the very first Pumpkin Show was full of corndogs and chocolate-covered frozen cheesecake on a stick?

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
Or do you think they just stood around and worshipped the giant gourd? (This year’s was the largest ever!)

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
That’s right. 1600 pounds of pure pumpkin.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
It’s certainly changed from when Tracey and I first started going as kids. There are now BLACK PEOPLE there. And people speaking SPANISH. And this guy, whom I spotted almost as soon as we got there the first day.

“Serious or ironic?!”, I whispered to Tracey when I saw the back of his jacket. “Oh, my god, we have to find out,” she replied, a mischievous gleam in her eye. And then he turned around, and he was wearing a vest and tie. And then his boyfriend walked up. Swoon, swoon, swoon.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
Some things will always be the same, though, like this ancient carousel that shows up every year.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
And like the display of the outfit belonging to the current Miss Pumpkin Show. (When I showed my diverse group of co-workers the photos of the past Miss Pumpkin Shows, one of them said, “They’re all white!” And I was like, “I’m sorry, this surprises you somehow?”

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
It was the 10th anniversary of Tracey dragging her friends Justin and Dayna to the Show to eat wildly inappropriate-looking fruits-made-unhealthy,

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
so she made them some adorable commemorative pumpkin pins.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
Whether we planned to or not, we ran into absolutely everyone we knew in the three days we went to the Pumpkin Show, including my cousin Bethany and her brother’s baby daughter, Kaydence. Don’t fear; I have an entire series of photos of Bethany peeking out from behind the foods we ate, all creepy-eyed like that, which I’ll post over at donuts4dinner.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
I have a long history with the Circleville Pumpkin Show, you know. Why, my great-aunt was even featured on a magazine devoted entirely to it back when she was a mere girl.

Circleville Pumpkin Show 2010
But I have an even longer history with Pickaway County itself, which is celebrating 200 years of existence this year.

And I’m sure glad it exists.