No “Game of Thrones” Spoilers Contained Within

Filed under a taste for tv, living in new york is neat, super furry animals

On Saturday morning, I took a cue from Han + Diana and invited Kamran and our friends Nik and Marco to The Dutch for herbed cocktails, fried chicken, and pie so tall you could use it for a baby’s highchair:

lemon meringue pie at The Dutch, NYC

Marko is the thoughtful brother, and Nik is the outrageous brother, and together, they’re a very good time. We spent most of the meal signing each other up for the Draw Something app on our various Apple products, and then I tried Kamran’s tripe and almost threw up in my mouth because it’s cow stomach lining, but then I stopped myself because it’s delicious. And it should be, because it’s made by the same chef who owns Locanda Verde with Robert De Niro. I tell you that so you’ll be dazzled by my brushes with celebrity.

Afterward, I went back to my own apartment and spent the next ten hours marathoning the entire first season of “Game of Thrones” with my friend/roommate/landlord/co-worker, Jack, and my friend Kim, whom I will always refer to as “Kim of Good Hair, Kim Luck”, even though her website has been defunct for almost a year now. As soon as I arrived, Jack handed me a save-the-date postcard for Beth‘s wedding, and Kim acted as if it’s weird that I actually want to attend the nuptials of a person I only know from the Internet, even though there was a time when I only knew Kim from the Internet, and now we’re NYCBFFs.

Game of Thrones Direwolf Collage

We ate direwolf cupcakes with grey sprinkles, looked at The Khaleesi’s boobs, and picked and re-picked our favourite characters from 6 p.m. to 4 a.m. and then had a sleepover for all of five hours before I had to get to Kamran’s and Kim had to get to the gym or something ridiculous, and then neither of us watched the premiere of season two. So don’t spoil it for us. A-holes.

$640 Million and Counting

Filed under uncategorized

I wish I hadn’t bought a lottery ticket so I could properly mock all of these yahoos crowding my bodega with their pathetic dreams of job-quitting and Tahiti vacations and “helping people in need”.

The difference between them and me, though, is that my ticket is actually the winner.

Giant Gummy Bears on the Streets of NYC

Filed under arts and crafts, living in new york is neat, stuff i like

On one of our weekend walks around the city, Kamran and I ran into an installation called “Bear Forest” by Spanish artist dEmo in the THE LAB gallery in the Roger Smith hotel. Imagine the wonder of rounding a corner and coming face to face with a roomful of these:

Bear Forest by dEmo at LAB Gallery

Bear Forest by dEmo at LAB Gallery

Bear Forest by dEmo at LAB Gallery

Bear Forest by dEmo at LAB Gallery

Bear Forest by dEmo at LAB Gallery

Gummy bears! With pectoral muscles! And questionable intentions! (Am I right in thinking that these things could be straight out of a cute-things-turned-deadly horror movie, a la Gremlins?)

Overnight New York, where I got all the information about the exhibit–because of course I was too busy daydreaming about gnawing on some bear bellies to actual take note of what this was–says the exhibit goes away on March 30th, so see it while you can!

Amar’e Stoudemire’s Battle of the Bulge

Filed under a taste for tv

My friend Nik* caught this little gaff live last night during the Knicks/Bucks game:

What commentator Al Trautwig meant to say:

It’s much more complicated for Amar’e Stoudemire. He did not finish Saturday’s game against Detroit. An MRI reveals a bulging disc in his lower back, and it will be treated non-surgically.

What commentator Al Trautwig actually said:

It’s much more complicated for Amar’e Stoudemire. He did not finish Saturday’s game against Detroit. An MRI reveals a bulging dick in his lower back, and it will be treated non-surgically.

The comments on the video are unstoppable:

“Hate it when my dick bulges after a long day of hooping.”

“Dunno about you guys but I’d hate to wake up with a bulging dick in my lower back.”

Thank you, sweet Internet, for the bountiful gifts you so selflessly provide.

*Nik can also be thanked for the brilliant title of this post.

The Time I Lost My Cool After the Biggest Jerk on the Bus Called Me Fat

Filed under funner times on the bus, living in new york sucks so hard, my uber-confrontational personality

The last time we left our hero (yes, me), I had accidentally been engaged in a fight with a man so feebleminded that the only comeback he could produce to my most snide comment was, “You need to go on a diet!” I suppose he was one of those men who thinks the surest way to offend a lady is to insult her weight, but little did he know that I’ve achieved my current level of pleasant plumpness by enjoying dinners at the very finest restaurants in town with my beloved. I thought about returning the insult:

“I could lose weight, but you can’t lose ugly.”

“I could lose weight, but you’ll never get back your hair.”

“I could lose weight, but you’re stuck with that tiny–” Brain. Tiny brain.

But I figured that someone who isn’t clever enough to argue without immediately attacking outward appearance–pointing out that someone is black or gay or handicapped as if that person doesn’t realize it–isn’t worth my time, and I really didn’t want to lose any more of my cool, so I just said, “That’s very adult of you.”

“Keep stuffing your fat face, lady!” he called back from four rows away. “Maybe it’ll at least keep you quiet.”

I laughed, because at that moment, I was eating a low-carb, low-fat nutrition bar. It couldn’t have been more ironic.

Read the “exciting” conclusion here!