Category Archives: it’s fun to be fat

Moving Pictures to Make You Not Want to Eat Chocolate Ever Again

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, it's fun to be fat
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Dr. Boyfriend evidently caught on to the fact that I was boooooooooored last weekend and decided to fulfill my need for mind-blowing adventure and enough excitement to satisfy for days by

taking me to his office.

BUT. He bought us some truffles from the Godiva store downstairs, which actually were so mind-blowing and satisfying that they made us make faces like this:

And if that isn’t gross enough for you, they also made us make faces like this:

And that is the best you can hope for on a Saturday afternoon in February when your boyfriend’s in law school and you have no life outside of him.

Restaurant Review: Quality Meats

Filed under it's fun to be fat, living in new york is neat, restaurant ramblings
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It’s Restaurant Week Winter 2009! A time for all of NYC’s top executive assistants and other underpaid mongrels to make their boyfriends take them to uber-expensive celebrity-chef-staffed venues to live out their wildest foodie fantasies at a fraction of the normal cost! A time for those boyfriends to say things like, “It’s not like I couldn’t afford to go there any day I wanted to,” and to get slapped in the face! A time to consume all the carbs I’ve been depriving myself of since Restaurant Week Fall 2008!

Said boyfriend took me to Quality Meats in the fall for Restaurant Week after I saw an article about the place somewhere deep in the interwebs and thought it sounded dreamy: dark woods, exposed dim lightbulbs, and MEATS. It wasn’t the most well-known or critically-acclaimed of our Restaurant Week ventures, but it was certainly the best.

The funny thing is that afterward, we had to think pretty hard to remember much about our actual meal; all we cared about was getting our hands on more of the bread they serve while you wait. It came in a deep white dish, soaked in butter and sprinkled in salt and an undisclosed spice that Kamran the Boyfriend thinks may be rosemary. And thinking about it had me so excited this morning that I didn’t eat any of the leftover cornbread in my office’s refrigerator for fear of sullying my palate with lesser breads.

Well, the dish it was served in had changed when we went back today, but the bread was still the same. We made up our minds to ask for seconds no matter how full we got, and boy, did we. We tried it first without any butter to savor it in its purest form, but when we both put some spread on our slabs, we looked at each other at the same time with the twinkle of oh-crap-butter-is-awesome in our eyes.

Oh, yeah, and we had some real food, too. The choices were:

Appetizers
Roasted Butternut Squash Soup with Gingerbread Croutons
Seared Diver Scallops with Candied Walnuts and Grapes
Traditional Steak Tartare
Caesar Salad

Entrees
Hanger Steak with Cherry Sauce
Open-Faced Shrimp Salad Sandwich
Baby Back Ribs with Spicy Apricots
Some Sort of Salad Something-or-Other with Seared Tuna

Dessert
A dressed up scoop of:
Pomegranate Pear
Chocolate Rum Raisin
Orange Creamsicle
Double Fudge Mint
Vanilla

I would never have admitted it to Kamran at the time, but compared to the fall menu, I was a little disappointed. Where was my charcuterie plate with the fruit spreads and the array of cheeses? Where was my giant pork chop? And a scoop of some ice cream out of a cardboard box? Not interested.

I really only wanted the soup for the gingerbread croutons, so I went way out on a limb and ordered the scallops, even though I don’t do seafood. And they turned out to be great! Mostly because they were swimming in butter. But also because they weren’t the gelatinous globs I expected but were thinly sliced and browned on the edges. The walnuts were perfect and perished any lingering scared-of-fish thoughts I might have had.

Kamran, of course, ordered the tartare, which arrived plain in a bowl with an egg on top but had a sidebar of sea salt, mustard, onions, Worcestershire, and Tabasco. Here’s a pretty disgusting video of him mixing it all together with complete disregard for his taste buds:

It’s so gross and squishy that my camera couldn’t even bear to focus on it properly.

We both ordered the steak, ’cause it’s a steak restaurant. The waiter warned me that a hanger steak cooked through would be tough, but I told him, “I like it tough,” and you know I do. But no! Apparently the chef was not having it, because my steak came out totally pink. And strangely in two pieces, while Kamran’s was just one.

It was awesome, of course, charred on the edges and dripping with cherry. As was our Corn Crème Brûlée. (Awesome, I mean. Not dripping with cherry.)

That’s right–Corn Crème Brûlée. My two reasons for living, baked into the same dish.

The dessert course didn’t disappoint, and we should have known it wouldn’t. We evidently underestimated the phrase “dressed up” on the menu, because for Kamran’s scoop of pear sorbet, it meant pomegranate seeds on top and stewed cherries and pears on the bottom,

and for me, it meant a chocolate chocolate chip cookie on top and a brownie bowl on the bottom. Plus, this wasn’t one of those spoon-shaped two-bite scoops you’re seeing all over town: this was a bowl full.

It was such a great second experience, and such a super way to start off Restaurant Week. Just look how happy we are!

And fat!

Pretty Much the Least Grateful Party Guest Ever

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, good times at everyone else's expense, it's fun to be fat
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Saturday night was one of my friends-from-when-we-worked-at-Barnes-and-Noble-together’s birthday party at a bar with the least character possible. Dominique was turning something ridiculous like 38–even though she acts more like eighteen–so it made sense that the party started at SEVEN P.M. And that everyone therefore left at nine.

I didn’t want to make polite/faux smalltalk with old co-workers and her family members who had driven in from Pennsylvania (what?), so instead, I sat and talked to my friend Nastassia all night and showed her my best seated dance moves, which are apparently not so impressive. The highlight of the night, though, was scraping all of the icing off the cupcakes Dominique had made–no doubt from the The Magnolia Bakery Cookbook

eating it, and wrapping the cake back in some used wrapping paper. I thought the crinkled mess would tip her off that it wasn’t really a gift, but she opened it with all of the gusto of Christmas morning:

And this is why I don’t have more friends.

Restaurant Review: Pommes Frites

Filed under it's fun to be fat, living in new york is neat, restaurant ramblings
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If there’s one thing I appreciate about New York City, it’s that despite the fact that everyone here is thin, everything begs us to be fat. A Salt & Battery in the West Village, for instance, has a daily menu that includes deep-fried candy bars. Which is, you know, the sort of thing you should only be able to get once a year at a county fair if you don’t want to have a heart attack and die at age 32.

And even worse is Pommes Frites, which is an entire restaurant devoted solely to french fries covered in your choice of 25 different sauces. The fries come in cones that are listed as Regular, Large, and Double but should be called Enough for Two, Enough for Twelve, and Enough for the Entire Neighborhood. They’re the giant Belgian fries that you think will be super-mushy but are actually plenty crunchy, even when drowned in Pomegranate Teriyaki Mayo. If you’re looking for recommendations, Kamran enjoys the War Sauce, and I’m a fan of the Wasabi Mayo, though be warned that it will burn your face off. The fry guys are very friendly and will let you try the sauces before you decide on one, so don’t be afraid to sample.

The restaurant itself is a tiny little sliver of a room with the counter up front and a couple of picnic tables in the back. It’s very dark and cozy but usually so crowded that we end up eating outside, either sitting in the two wooden chairs they’ve provided or standing in front of the convenience store next door with the surprisingly impressive array of foreign beers displayed in its window. Like so:

Put this on your List of Things to Do with Katie When I Visit Her.

You Could Ice a Cake with What’s in Our Thighs

Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, it's fun to be fat, jobby jobby job job
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Our boyfriends are under the impression that my co-worker/super-New-York-BFF Sonya and I are trying to eat right and lose inches off our ever-expanding assets, but the truth is that most of our day is spent at my desk doing this:

And boy, are we pleased with ourselves about it: