Category Archives: funner times on the bus

Two at a Time

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Things are a little crazy in downtown Manhattan right now post-Hurricane-Sandy what with the 1 stations closed indefinitely, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers set up in Battery Park, and random generators buzzing on street corners to keep work lights glowing. When I got to my bus stop last night for the first time since my office lost power two weeks ago, the ticketing machines were dark and had signs taped on them that said, “Machines are down. Board the bus.”

There were plenty of people waiting at the stop, but that’s normal for 5:30, and I had every expectation of a nice, quiet ride home. Incredibly, two buses pulled up at once, and while half of the crowd went one way, I went with the other half toward the second bus.

We all ambled toward the front entrance, forming a single-file line. Of course I could’ve passed the older women in front of me what with my powerful hind quarters, but I am a lady and chose to stay back. But just as the woman in front of me was slooooowly making her way into the bus, this girl in the generic black coat/black skirt/black tights/black ballet flats work uniform of anyone who’s graduated from college in the past five years came out of nowhere, annoyedly huffed once in my ear, and attempted to cut me off and board the bus at the same time as the older woman.

Now, I understood that this was not the type of bus where you have to stop and pay once you’re inside, but the only time I’ve ever seen two people try to enter the bus at once, it resulted in an all-out physical fight. So I did what any woman with a purse stuffed to the gills with ten pounds of wallet, Kindle, keys, and lipstick would do, and I thrust my arm out to block the door with it.

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Rewarding the Crying Child on the Bus

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I was raining Friday morning, which always adds an extra level of chaos to public transportation. Suddenly there are wet umbrellas to contend with–if not sitting on the seat you’d like to have, then brushing up against your legs as you stand trying desperately (if you’re a decent person) to keep your own umbrella from dripping onto the person sitting in front of you. I let an older lady into the bus ahead of me and followed her to a two-seater that was miraculously empty. She looked around and asked no one in particular, “No one wants to sit here? Is there something wrong with it?” I chuckled and followed her into the seat, and she said, “There’s usually a reason when it’s completely empty.” Thinking of my experience with empty stinking train cars, I nodded in agreement without hesitation.

She told me she usually doesn’t take the bus because it’s slower but wanted to be picked up closer to home because of the rain, and I indulged her chatter briefly but then pulled out my Kindle before she could become too attached and try to show me pictures of her grandkids all the way to work. (It’s happened.) She took the hint and occupied herself with staring out the window. At 14th Street, a woman with two beastly children boarded and sat the kids together in one seat right behind me, which I’m sure was a joy for the person in the other seat right next to them. One of the kids, a girl, was whimpering about someone or something named Tony; in a low moan right next to my ear, she kept repeating, “I want Tooooooooooooooooooony.” And her mother was doing nothing about it.

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How to Ride an NYC MTA Bus

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I’m going to start a series soon on the top reasons to ride the bus in NYC, but I realized that before I do that, I should talk about how to actually use the bus system. New Yorkers, especially Manhattanites, equate public transportation with the subway; transplants like me are excited to ride it as soon as we move here, and we learn where to transfer from the A to the N before we know the name of the guy who lives across the hall in our apartment buildings. I have friends who’ve lived here longer than I have and have never ridden a bus. I have friends who stare at me with wonder when I tell them I take the bus home from work at least four–and usually five–days a week. No longer, friends!

Here’s a quick primer on using the NYC buses that will hopefully leave you feeling confident enough to hop aboard:

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No Free Rides

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Watching people get escorted off the Select Bus Service buses for not paying their fare is a real joy in my life. Waiting at the bus stop next to someone who’s being written up for not paying her fare is even better, I discovered this morning. The fare inspector had politely led this woman off of the M15 SBS toward Houston Street this morning while I was stuck looking for one going all of the way down to South Ferry. I got to listen in as she pretended to dig through her purse for the receipt she should have grabbed from the fare collection machine at the bus stop wherever she boarded uptown, muttering to herself, “This is the first time I rode this bus.”

I wanted to be like, “Lady, get your story straight.” Either you know how to ride the SBS and you got your receipt, or you’re totally new to this and have no idea what receipt the inspector’s talking about. There is no “this is the first time I’ve ridden this bus, and I didn’t know to get a receipt, but let me comb through my bag in case I happened to pay my fare while sleepwalking and my somnambulic body somehow knew to hold on to it”.

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Keeping Classy on the Bus

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My bus has really quieted down in the mornings now that school’s out, so there are many fewer people being pushed back outside onto the sidewalk just as the doors close to make more room for the people inside, homeless dudes in plastic-bag-shoes being dragged off by cops, and standing riders ending up in other people’s laps as the driver punches the brake every five seconds as if he doesn’t realize there’s a bus full of people behind him with one hand on the metal bar and one hand holding the bags of stuff all New Yorkers are required to haul around thanks to our not having cars to leave them in. But I can still rely on mean old ladies for entertainment.

Yesterday, the bus stopped at Wall Street, and I looked up from my book just in time to see an old white lady in a teal lace shirt that was way too sexy for her stumbling over the old Indian woman sitting next to her in white linen pants and a black ruffled tank top that was also way too sexy for her. The white lady had been sitting in the window seat but ended up sprawled across the Indian woman’s lap, legs still by the window but face suspended over the aisle, almost in the crotch of the guy across the aisle from them. The white lady righted herself and collected her things to exit the bus, but she wasn’t two steps down the aisle before she turned and gave the Indian lady the craziest stink-eye I’ve ever seen from anyone over the age of ten.

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