Category Archives: fun times on the subway

Ahhh, the pleasure I get from the misfortune of others.

Posted by plumpdumpling on November 11, 2008 – 12:39 pm
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Leaving the subway station the other night, a girl in a posh red swing jacket, black trousers, and black heels cut in front of me. As I followed her up the stairs to the street, her pants swished around her ankles and revealed bright white cotton socks.

Not even realizing it was going to come out, I said under my breath with delight, “White socks!” The girl totally turned around and looked at me, and I was like, ” . . . ,” but there was no one else around to blame.

I really feel myself becoming a strange old woman.

I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 16, 2008 – 10:06 pm
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This morning at Grand Central, there was a hold-up going through one of the turnstiles into the subway, and I couldn’t figure out why. The people in front of me kept getting in line behind this one guy, pausing for a second, and then stepping into another line instead of, say, punching him in the spleen and catapulting themselves over his crumpled body. So I waltz up all pardon-me-ladies-while-I-take-care-of-bizness, and then I hear the guy say, “I’ll call the police on you, I swear.” And I see that he’s face-to-face with an angry girl on the other side of the turnstile, neither of them getting out of the way to let the other through. I naturally side with the girl, both because I want to keep up this strange chivalry thing society has going and because I’ve been shoved aside by one too many businessmen commuters from Jersey in the morning. He’s wearing a brown tweed blazer with mismatched olive pants and has a pretentious leather bag slung over his shoulder, while she’s some greasy-haired teenager in a t-shirt, probably on her way to school. He might try to play the Respect Your Elders card if he was five years older, but it might not matter, because this is the kind of girl who mocks back, “Did you really just say you’d call the cops?” He gives up that angles and instead tries, “I already swiped!”, and at first I’m pissed for him that she’s trying to make him waste his $2, but then I figure he probably saw her coming and swiped his MetroCard anyway just to ensure he’d get in before she could come out. Because that’s how commuter businessmen from Jersey roll. Especially ones that then say to young girls, “Move, or I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT.”

Awesome!

Seen on the Subway: Pure Booze

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 20, 2008 – 2:55 pm
Filed under fun times on the subway, living in new york is neat
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This delightful bit of graffiti was on the wall of the L platform at 1st Street:

It’s funny that I didn’t, you know, notice that the Unicef logo on the truck was obscured by the overhead lighting, but I don’t get paid to pay attention, yo.

If You Leave a Stupid Ad in a Public Place, We WILL Have Fun with It

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 4, 2008 – 11:46 am
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, fun times on the subway, living in new york is neat
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These are the sorts of things we do on weekends to amuse ourselves:

Zig.

Zig zag.

Zig zag ZOOM!

Kamran’s flailing arms aside, my favourite part of the video is the beginning where I have to tell that woman she can walk in front of the camera. I swear New Yorkers are only polite when they’re being filmed.

Also, I should mention that this is from months ago, just in case you get freaked out by my short hair and the fact that we’re wearing coats in the midst of summer. Because I know our every move affects your emotional health.

The Robin Hood of Rudeness

Posted by plumpdumpling on July 31, 2008 – 2:11 pm
Filed under fun times on the subway, living in new york sucks so hard, my uber-confrontational personality
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I got to Grand Central a little late yesterday morning, and there were a few too many people crowded on the platform. I took my place behind them and pulled a magazine out of my bag to take my mind off the heat and, you know, my loathing of all New Yorkers, when this girl not much older than I am walked right up and crammed herself and her giant duffel bag into a space in front of me that should’ve fit no more than a quarter of her. I let it go for a moment, not wanting to break a sweat, but when the train pulled up, I realized I wasn’t going to get a spot if I didn’t act fast. So I took one step to the side and one step forward and then outright pushed the girl back to make room for myself. She let out a huge scoff, I half-turned my head and smiled in victory, and she moved to a different line of people to try her luck there.

Later at work, I called a deli to order food for a training class that was taking place in the office and asked, “Can you have it here no later than 11:45? I won’t be available to sign for it after that.” The woman assured me it was no problem, and I got a call from the deliveryman that I should come to the lobby and sign for it at 11:44. Pleased that they were true to their word, I imagined myself thanking the guy for his promptness and giving him an outrageously large tip. But when I got downstairs to the lobby, there was no one there. And I realized that the guy had called me a few minutes ahead of time, figuring it’d take me a while to get downstairs, NOT REALIZING THAT I HAD A LUNCH DATE 80-SOME BLOCKS UPTOWN AND NEEDED TO ACTUALLY LEAVE ON TIME. So when he arrived, I didn’t smile politely, I didn’t thank him, and I slashed that tip to a shell of its former self.

Then yesterday evening, I was walking toward the exit of CVS when this very large woman stepped right out in front of me from a side aisle. She was wearing a huge orange tunic that screamed, “I am fat! Pay attention to me!” I sped up a step to pass her, but she cut me off and then walked as slooooooooooooowly as possible down the aisle, listening to her iPod and pretending not to notice that I was patiently waiting for her to git goin’. Finally, she stopped and turned to look at something on one of the shelves, and I took my opportunity to rush past her, being careful to brush against her bag and sort of push it off her shoulder. She said, “Jesus!”, but I kept on walking in my seersucker dress, swinging my white leather clutch and generally feeling superior.

But then I left the store and thought, Maybe these people don’t see me as the Robin Hood of Rudeness that I am. Maybe they don’t understand that I’m robbing from the rude-rich and giving to the rude-poor. (Namely myself.) Maybe they think I’m just being plain obnoxious like I think they are. Maybe they’re trying to teach me a lesson.

But surely not, right?