Category Archives: everyone’s married but katie

Don’t Do Something We’ll Both Regret

Posted by plumpdumpling on January 27, 2009 – 11:30 am
Filed under everyone's married but katie, good times at everyone else's expense, no i really do love ohio
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Today at noon, I leave for three days in Ohio and then two days in Kentucky to see my baby sister GET MARRIED. Seeing as how we agreed long ago to never, ever wed, I obviously feel very betrayed by this. She and her fiancé have been together for more than three years and already own a house together, so this marriage is totally unnecessary and clearly just a way of hurting me.

However, I’m going to look awesome in my dark red bridesmaid’s dress that she picked out, so I forgive her.

But just in case this wedding is only a means of making it more socially acceptable when Joanie and Josh start having millions of babies (in Kentucky, no less), I just want to remind her of this picture of her holding our cousin’s son during Thanksgiving dinner:

Take the feeling you felt here and multiply it by ten thousand, Joanie.
And then imagine feeling it every moment of every day.
This is what it’s like to have a baby.

(Thank you and goodnight to all of my baby-owning friends out there.)

You Can Take My Childhood, but You’ll Never Take My FREEDOM

Posted by plumpdumpling on January 9, 2009 – 4:22 pm
Filed under everyone's married but katie, narcissism, why i'm better than everyone else
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This morning, one of the blog writers I just started to follow wrote the following:

I’d love to write about parties and dates and where I went to eat. Impress you with the cutting-edge emo playlists on my iPod and casually mention that I caught such-and-such eyeliner-and-irony-clad band at a hole in the wall bar the other night.

At this point in my life, those stories would include a lot of Hot Wheels, mad dashes to the early movie, and tales of Ruby Tuesdays. My iPod playlists are full of songs to keep toddlers quiet while I’m on conference calls in the car.

Sweet, right? Snore.

And I was like, “OMG, please never let me grow up.” I get that women’s feelings apparently change hardcore after they have children, and I’m told that even I may devolve into something nurturing and selfless was I ever to give birth, but not being encumbered by adult stuff feels so good. As Dr. Boyfriend said after spending time with his married/babied friends over the holiday break, “I really appreciate the little life we’ve made for ourselves.” That little life being one that involves never eating dinner at home, dancing on Friday nights, and non-stop caring only for ourselves.

So in celebration of my perpetual youth, I offer you:


My (unexpected) teenage celebrity crush, which is not really a crush but an example
of how I’d like to conduct myself if I was to become famous. Look how cool his wave is.


My overly-emo song of the moment.


My really amazing birthday dessert sampler at Max Brenner that included
POP ROCKS covered in liquid chocolate.


And my best friend and me, looking soooooo badass
on New Year’s Eve at our friends’ house party. (No?)

Sure, most of that party was spent taking pictures of their baby eating the husband’s nose

but I was wearing my homemade Bulletproof necklace while photographing, so they cancel each other out and leave nothing but my natural hardcoreness and me.

My Last Trip to Ohio in Ten Words and Eighty Pictures

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 18, 2008 – 1:30 pm
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, everyone's married but katie, no i really do love ohio
Tagged as , ,

I’m leaving for a week in my home state of Ohio tomorrow night at 7:45 p.m. To give you an idea of how that might look, here’s some photographic evidence from my last weekend trip back in April:

I went dancing at Skully’s Music-Diner with some of my best old friends from back.in.the.day, including my best best friend, Tracey:

It was totally raining, but we still managed to look TOTALLY BADASS, no?:

Tracey and I attempted boob-touching photos, but people kept trying to cover the camera at the last moment to keep our sin hidden from the world. Still, we’d say we prevailed:

Then I watched my grandmother–who is like the exact opposite of me when it comes to being able to tan, right?–get married in my old hometown church:

and spent some quality time with my family, including my dad–who is a farmer and has an excuse for being creepily tan–:

and my little sister, who let me take lame engagementy photos of her and her fiancee:

Then Tracey and I went to our friend-since-we-were-born Katie’s baby shower and made a mockery of the whole thing by pretending the baby shower was actually for me:

and by possibly making out with her husband:

This time, I have more dancing, my cousin’s wedding, pin-curling my hair with my old college roommate, visiting Katie’s baby, going to as many superstores as I can with Tracey to make up for half a year of shopping in tiny bodegas, and generally thinking about how much more time I’d have to be creative if I lived in Ohio.

I’m only mad that she’s not marrying ME.

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 28, 2008 – 10:34 am
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, everyone's married but katie

Saturday night while I was bowling, my best friend Tracey texted me to say, “I’ll be up late if you want to call me when you’re done!” When what she really meant was, “OMG OMG CALL ME NOW YOU STUPID WHORE BECAUSE I’M DYING TO TELL YOU THAT I JUST GOT ENGAGED !!!!!”

So after weeks of badmouthing her boyfriend for spending money on DVDs and flatscreen monitors when he needed to be saving up for a ring, it turned out that he already had the perfect white gold princess cut number and had been saving it for the right moment. That moment was oddly when Tracey was at work in the science museum and no one was around to videotape any of it for best friends and future generations, but we’ll forgive Dan for that based solely on his clever use of a Nintendo DS in his proposal. Because we are nerds.

So please join me in congratulating the smartest, funniest, most generous girl I know and her geekily romantic sweetheart on their engagement.


Why, yes, that is an Applebee’s box that Dan changed to say Applebutts.

And please remind them that all plans should be based on my availability and that I can’t afford to come home for a fifth wedding this year.