Category Archives: adventure time

Adventure Time with Kat and Kam: Columbus, Ohio’s, German Village

Filed under adventure time, no i really do love ohio
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The moment Kamran arrived in Ohio on Thursday night, two hours late thanks to the rain, my best friend, Tracey, and I whisked him off to Skully’s to dance until 2 a.m. And then we went home and ate ice cream cake until 3:30.

German Village, Columbus, OH
Tracey told me I’d hate my duckface in this picture, and she’s right

I was still getting over a cold, too, so when his alarm went off that morning at 8, I was seriously dreading having to get up and spend the day in downtown Columbus. But we had decided to have Tracey drop us off in German Village before work so we could revisit some of the places Kamran remembered from the years he lived in Columbus from 2nd to 4th grade. It turned out to be one of the most memorable moments of the trip.

We started at Katzinger’s Delicatessen, where we ate bagels just piled with cream cheese while sitting next to cases loaded with rugalach and barrels brimming with pickles. It’s fitting that I never once went to Katzinger’s while at THE Ohio State University and have never once been to Katz’s deli while in NYC. Someday I’ll learn.

As soon as The Book Loft opened, we walked a few blocks through the cobbled streets and fallen leaves to explore its 32 rooms of books. It’s a creaky old building divided off into themed rooms of every shape and size.

German Village, Columbus, OH

This was the smallest room we found. Kamran thinks its doorway was hidden by a huge map the last time he visited in 2000 on his way from California to Princeton for grad school.

German Village, Columbus, OH

He bought a book on the philosopher Heidegger for himself and a book on lobsters for me, which I realize makes me sound like a child, but it’s a totally serious book!

As we left, a guy from the Human Rights Campaign accosted us and forced me to donate money to the gayz, so we had to go to Starbucks to make ourselves feel like a part of the system again. And not to be a sellout or anything, but you guys, I got a salted caramel mocha thingy, and when I put my cup down on the table next to my extra-plush armchair, the sweet caramel began bubbling through the hole in the lid. COME ON. I can’t resist that.

German Village, Columbus, OH

Across the street was the Golden Hobby Shop, which is an old school filled with gifts handmade by senior citizens. Everything seemed underpriced to us, but that may just be six years of NYC shopping talking. We couldn’t figure out how to transport 400 buckeye necklaces and some really creepy-awesome folk art cats back in our suitcases, but I can imagine that this place would be excellent for local Christmas shopping.

On our way to lunch, we saw a green Yoda pumpkin

German Village, Columbus, OH

and a beheaded Brutus Buckeye

German Village, Columbus, OH

and stopped to take pictures of ourselves being badass for posterity:

German Village, Columbus, OH

German Village, Columbus, OH

German Village, Columbus, OH

We made it to Schmidt’s Sausage Haus and Restaurant (excuse me, Sausage Haus und Restaurant) around 1, somehow thinking there wouldn’t be a line on a Friday afternoon.

German Village, Columbus, OH

After a 25-minute walk around the neighborhood, our names were called over the loudspeaker outside, and we were seated at the most adorable old wooden booth for two. We briefly contemplated ordering plated entrees but then realized we’d be idiots not to get the $9.50 ($9.50!!!) buffet, which has four kinds of sausage, two kinds of potato salad, sausage stew, sauerkraut, and everything else German you could want.

German Village, Columbus, OH

We only made it through one plate apiece, but we had a good time doing it:

German Village, Columbus, OH

And of course we saved room for their famous big-as-your-head cream puffs, which we got with pumpkin filling and which they so graciously topped with an extra piece of my very favourite Halloween candy:

German Village, Columbus, OH

I can really only remember going to Schmidt’s once or twice while living in Ohio for twenty-four years, and I’m pretty sure I was a vegetarian at least one of those times, so I wasn’t all that excited when Kamran said he wanted to relive his childhood there. Well, it really struck me while I was there how different and better it is than all of the chain restaurants I want to visit every time I’m back home, and now I know I’m going to want to go back every time I’m in Ohio. I’m still dreaming about that sweet and spicy sausage stew . . .

German Village, Columbus, OH

After filling our bellies, we walked a few blocks to Schiller Park, where we watched dogs run free, climbed the very smallest hill just to run down it, got weirded out by how into things like bones and catnip dogs and cats are, and planned to buy every one of the Victorian houses lining the park’s edges.

German Village, Columbus, OH
Kamran’s only pretending to not be sure about this whole thing

German Village, Columbus, OH

And now you should understand why I love Ohio so much and stop making fun of me.


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Adventure Time with Kat and Kam: Chinatown to Battery Park City and Back Again

Filed under adventure time, living in new york is neat
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It was Mother’s Day, and Kam and I were both motherless in the big city. Mine has been gone since 2000, and his is on the exact opposite side of the country. So free of lunch and flower obligations to anyone but each other, we took to the streets. That day, we noticed for the first time just how many apartment buildings in the East Village have rooftop happenings: little windowed rooms, little gardens, little backyards eighty feet in the air. We also saw several new-to-us instances of our favourite oft-seen graffiti, “WOMP”:

Speaking of graffiti, we passed this installation by Paul Richard:

I get a real kick out of that.

Our first stop was Congee Village, which Kamran has been pestering me about for two years and which I’ve been actively avoiding. The menu is full of things like braised whole sea cucumber, steamed bird’s nest with rock candy, duck’s blood with ginger and scallion, and sun dried dace fish steamed with preserved pig’s belly. You can see why this might have me a little worried, right?

I pictured this creepy old dive serving pork stomach porridge out of its kitchen full of old men in soiled pants, but it was this bright, friendly restaurant with the most delicious little treasures. We had soup dumplings, which look like moneybags that you bite the top off and slurp the soup out of before eating the meat and wrapper. We had shark’s fin soup ($14 a bowl!), which is like eating not-quite-set-up Jell-o with bits of seafood in it (and is actually good, despite the weird texture). We had sea clams with XO sauce, which I have thankfully since forgotten. We had beef congee, which is thick rice porridge that was truthfully mostly flavorless until we dumped a bunch of red pepper flakes into it. And we had fried bread, which is on the dim sum part of the menu but comes with a side of thick icing to dunk it in.

Please ignore my hair here. I hadn’t showered and was full of sea clam.

We continued into Chinatown for Quickly bubble tea (do not get the lemon), gawking at durian hanging out innocently in markets, and buying $22-a-pound beef jerky in flavors like oyster sauce beef and wet spicy pork at New Beef King:

Chinatown was wildly crowded, so we decided to head for the water, which is always so relatively desolate as to seem like the suburbs. We found what we thought was an entirely unnecessary Western wear store but then passed a random horse down a street not three blocks later:

On our way to the Hudson River Park, three little kids suddenly came from behind us on scooters. They made it to the West Side Highway and then turned back around to join their parents. Then they came at us again, this time coming so close to Kam that he accidentally knocked one in the head with his pound of beef. (And I don’t mean that as a euphemism.) I turned around and shot the parents the meanest look to control their kids, but then I realized I was the childish one wearing a t-shirt with a dinosaur vomiting a rainbow on it.

We followed them to Pier 25, where we found a massive playground, a soccer field, and stunning views:

Also trash:

We ran into the Irish Hunger Memorial, an elevated little plot designed to look like the Irish countryside. I guess. I’ve never been to Ireland. And Kam’s never been hungry, as witnessed by his poor attempt at trying to fake it:

We somehow found ourselves walking down an alley and winding through some trees and coming upon these giant rock walls that didn’t seem to serve any purpose but were wildly impressive. And then just behind one of them, we found a secret playground! It was tiny and had exactly one slide and nothing else in it, but still:

Walking back uptown, we found a walkway from Stuyvesant High School across the West Side Highway, allowing for a vantage point we’ve never been able to appreciate before. Highway 9A is a little scary from the ground as a pedestrian in a city otherwise full of one- and two-lane streets, but it seemed like a lazy country road from up above that day:

Meandering from the West Village to the East, we found nonsensical signs and our very favourite NYC tag that would make for the greatest gay gang name of all time (MuffinMilk!):

And then appropriately, we ended the day by finding what may be my calling in life:

6.9 miles!

Adventure Time with Kat and Kam: The Ten-Mile Walk Around Manhattan

Filed under adventure time, creepy boyfriend obsession, it's fun to be fat, living in new york is neat
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Months ago, my best friend, Tracey and her husband, Dan, introduced me to “Adventure Time”, the most imaginative little 15-minute program on the Cartoon Network. Kam and I started watching it together, and while we were out walking and uncovering unknown parts of the city a couple of weeks ago, we talked about how “Adventure Time with Jake and Fin” should really be “Adventure Time with Kat and Kam”. And at the same moment, we said, “We should probably start a blog for that.” Well, I can’t even keep up with the blogs I have now, so I’ll just try to make it a feature here.

So I present the very first:

The night before our walk, I submitted a plan to trek down 2nd Avenue to Meatball Shop, since Kam had never been there. He objected, citing the fact that we’re trying to live healthier, non-sandwich-oriented lives and blahblahblah. So instead I found us the health food restaurant Natureworks, where he would get something dumb like a Super Salad, and I would attempt to pass a meat lover’s pizza (with low-sodium cheese, Dishy!) off as something one might eat when one is not trying to slowly kill one’s self. And then we would go to my favourite pay-by-the-pound frozen yogurt joint, where I promised I would only get fruit toppings instead of my usual cookie-dough-gummy-bears-Cap’n-Crunch combo. (But I was lying.)

Fortunately for me, Natureworks is closed on Sundays. So instead, we decided to play it casual and look for something delicious on our way to the fro-yo. Thanks to Tasting Menu, Kam’s favourite food blog (other than donuts4dinner, of course), we knew to stop into Kalustyan’s for a falafel sandwich when we came across it, only we were never actually able to locate the falafel counter.

What we did find were rows upon rows of shelves upon shelves stocked with every single spice you have and haven’t heard of. We’re talking twenty kind of cinnamon, beet powder, granulated garlic, five kinds of mustard seed, tomato flour. We saw pickled wild cucumbers, every flavor of honey, canned ghee, every color of salt, nut mixes like you wouldn’t believe, fifty kinds of sugar. Kam was in I-haven’t-seen-this-since-the-last-time-I-was-in-Iran heaven, and I just enjoyed listening to Indian music while I perused.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

Next, we made our way down to Gramercy Park to admire the fine architecture (which still isn’t as pretty as Kamran’s building) and watch a squirrel dig a nut out of the ground (we don’t see a lot of wildlife around these parts, if that isn’t obvious):

NYC 10 Mile Walk

Kam informed me that Gramercy Park is actually private and requires a key for entry. Indeed, we saw tourists leering at locals through the iron bars and watched as one man flounced his coveted key about before unlocking the gate and settling down among the manicured greenery to read his Sunday paper.

We continued downtown and resolutely concluded that it was finally the day that we were to try Artichoke Basille’s famed pizza. Since its launch in 2008, Artichoke has been lauded as one of the best–if not the best–pizza in NYC. You have your Lombardi’s holdouts and your Grimaldi’s hangers-on, but I can tell you definitively and unquestionably that Artichoke is ten times better than either of those.

Let me state for the record that I like a thick crust. I would say that I like Sicilian-style pizza, but that’s not even true, because in New York, they always overbake the crust. The point of thick crust is that it’s bready. So what I’ll actually say I like is an underbaked crust. I don’t even mind if it’s straight up dough in the very middle.

Artichoke is not a thick crust. It’s a thin crust, and it’s a crusty crust, and I should not, therefore, like it. But it was delicious. It was perfect. It could convert me. It was done but not overdone. It wasn’t burnt! DO YOU HEAR THAT, OTHER NYC PIZZERIAS?! IT IS POSSIBLE TO BAKE A PIZZA AND NOT BURN IT.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

We got a crab slice and an artichoke slice, and although you’ll have to wait for the full review on donuts4dinner, I will tell you that the artichoke slice was like eating a piece of crusty bread coated in the Alfredo sauce they serve in the little cup with the pizzas at Olive Garden. I know that won’t seem like a big deal to you snobs who refuse to like chain restaurants, but those of you who have tried the Alfredo will understand, I know.

We also saw what we think might be the tiniest apartment building in NYC. Do you see how thin that thing is? Even if each apartment takes up the entire length of the building, that’s still only . . . 200 square feet? Less?

Next, we went to Porchetta, a tiny storefront where the pig is given top billing, both with the giant stencil on the wall and with the display case full of the most succulent scored pork:

NYC 10 Mile Walk

We took our sandwich to Tompkins Square Park and sat at one of the chessboards to chow down and throw back some ginger soda.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

The sandwich was–to put it lightly–very, very good. The pork juices soaked into the crusty bread and dribbled out onto our fingers, and the moments where we bit into those suuuuuuuuper-crispy bits of skin were truly blissful.

So blissful, in fact, that I guess I sort of audibly expressed my joy. Without realizing that a makeshift soup kitchen had been set up behind me. I had thought it was just a large family enjoying Sunday lunch in the park until Kam told me I might want to keep it down. “Soooooogooooood,” I was murmuring in a porkdrunk stupor as the homeless people behind me were eating what was probably their only meal of the day.

So what did we do to repent for our gluttony? EAT MORE! This time, we went to Pommes Frites, which literally only serves French fries with a bazillion different sauces of your choosing.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

We went with the black truffle mayo, which was delicious but probably too heavy to follow a slice of pizza and half a pork sandwich. Their wasabi mayo or peanut sauce is what you need when you’re already ten pounds heavier than normal due to pig and cheese grease. But we dutifully finished our cone of fries, dutifully scooped the strays out of the bag, and dutifully threw what we couldn’t eat onto the sidewalk for the homeless. And then Kam kicked them around a little accidentally, inciting a deep conversation about how much sidewalk flavor is too much sidewalk flavor for a homeless person.

Are we bad people?

Next, we casually walked through the Lower East Side and realized we were near our very favourite store for discount sweets, Economy Candy. But, you know, since we were eating healthy that day, we popped in for two tiny Cadbury Creme Eggs and popped right back out, no chocolate-covered s’mores in hand. And they were only 50 cents each! Why, that’s what they cost in places like Ohio! Kamran pocketed them for later and proceeded to make incessant testicle jokes.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

I was trying to push Kam to take me to a riverfront park, but the farther we got from the center of town, the shadier things started getting. There were parking lots and people playing Latin music from boomboxes in front of bodegas and . . . OH!

You guys, there was this one dude on the street who was literally just stopped dead in his tracks on the sidewalk with his feet at weird angles and his head lolling to one side. He was clearly unwashed and clearly on a bender, all stooped over with his arms hanging limply at his sides. I swore he was going to reach out and grab me as we passed, but he seemed to be asleep. Moments later, though, we turned back to stare some more, and he was hobbling along the sidewalk. SO CREEPY.

Needless to say, by the time we came upon this GANG GRAFFITI, we knew it was time to hightail it out of there.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

Just kidding! Nice mural, PS 140! Oh, yeah, have I mentioned that the public schools are named by number here? Pretty creative stuff, guys.

While we were down there, we figured, “What the hey, let’s cross the Willamsburg Bridge.” Because Kamran, believe it or not, has never set foot on a bridge in his five years here.

The Williamsburg Bridge is actually quite nice, despite what I’d heard. Everyone says it’s too loud for good walking, and it’s true that you walk alongside traffic for a quarter of it, but at that point, the traffic has continued on straight the whole time, but you’ve been steadily climbing higher and higher above it on the sloped platform in the center of the bridge. Then you run into this lovely sign that I think pretty much embodies NYC as a whole:

NYC 10 Mile Walk

It’s kind of pretty, but it’s also kind of super jacked up, and nobody cares to keep it nice, including the people who are paid to, so the sign ends up reading WI LIAMS U GH BRIDGE. But the nice thing about the bridge is that at the sign, the platform splits into two so that pedestrians get the lane to the right, and bicyclists get the lane to the left. If you’ve ever been almost run over a zillion times by bicyclists on the Brooklyn Bridge (not that I blame them, because pedestrians are always inconsiderate and hog the whole thing), you’ll understand what a good idea this was. Plus, the bridge was sooooooo much less crowded than the Brooklyn Bridge.

And had better graffiti, too.


mouseover this photo for hilarity

The one thing the Brooklyn Bridge has going for it is that it’s not entirely encased by fencing like the Williamsburg is. This isn’t really the best place to get pictures of the city from afar, youknow. But I kinda like ’em, anyway.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

We went halfway across the bridge and then started back, just in time to catch the J train whizzing between us and the cyclists, to find someone’s dropped keys but not do a damned thing about it, and to learn that Vomito loves NY.

NYC 10 Mile Walk

Just off the bridge, we found ourselves on Attorney Street, which was an excellent reminder for Kam that his New York State Bar results won’t come for another month and a half. But look how happy he is still!

NYC 10 Mile Walk

And look how trashy those girls behind him are. Is that a leather jacket you’re wearing backward over your denim jacket, ma’am?

We had been out for more than five hours, and our grocery shopping duties were calling, so we started back toward Kam’s apartment in Midtown. We walked up Avenue B past Luca Lounge, the bar he took me on our first date, lo those four and a half years ago, which has been closed for years but still sits abandoned.

At 23rd Street, we started to feel a little weak in the knees.

At 29th Street, we started talking about how much pain we were in. “But good pain!” we exclaimed, trying to fake our way into fitness.

At 34th Street, we had to sit down on a bench for five minutes.

By the time we got home, it hurt to lower ourselves onto the couch.

By the next day, we couldn’t stand without wincing. Five days later, we’re just now feeling normal again. So maybe we weren’t quite ready for a ten-mile walk. But we sure did have an adventure.


If you’re curious about our path, here’s a glorious map version with all the stops:

NYC 10 Mile Walk