Author Archives: plumpdumpling

Haute Butt

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 6, 2009 – 11:02 am
Filed under too much information
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Do you spend all sorts of money on totally useless crap but feel unwilling to pay basically nothing for necessities?

I ask, because I was wearing a pair of really comfortable underwear yesterday, and whilst admiring their fabric and construction on the toilet, I realized that they belong to my best friend, Tracey. My first thought was, “I have to get these back to her!” Because really great underwear are not something I have in abundance, and I assume that’s true for everyone else, too.

But as I thought more about it, I realized that normal people probably don’t think of underwear like I do. My absolute favourite pairs, for instance, are from American Eagle. I don’t normally shop at that store and would have never thought to buy underwear from it, but my non-wicked stepmother took me there to return some of my step-siblings’ jeans after Christmas ’07 and forced me to pick out some for myself. I was generally skeptical despite the super-cute polka-dot and sailboat patterns, but I soon discovered that they’re the best underwear in life–soft, thick, durable, and generally not skanky.

Yet I’ve never owned any past those three pairs, appalled at the idea of spending $7.50 on something no one but Kamran will ever see. (Or, if my dad’s reading this, something NO ONE BUT ME will ever see.) I’m absolutely aware of the fact that these underwear are now two years old and are in perfect condition, yet $7.50 still seems crazy somehow. Even when I’ll drop $7.50 on a Chipotle burrito–something I’ll enjoy for a maximum of an hour, if you don’t count the four days’ worth of black bean burps–without a second thought.

So I went crazy on Friday and used a Visa giftcard from my work to buy 11 pairs of underwear online. I felt like such a badass money-waster. Even though I bought them on clearance, of course.

Do It Again!

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 3, 2009 – 3:22 pm
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am
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My friend Emily likes to tease me about the photos I take for this here blog. She says the number one thing out of my mouth on an outing is:

“You know that really awesome thing you just did? Do it again so I can take a picture of it.”

Which is entirely true. So in honor of all of my spontaneously hilarious friends who so obligingly re-pose for me, here are my favourite of the “do that again” photos of recent history:


Kamran about to bite the head off a prawn at a yakitori joint.


Adam sleeping while he was supposed to be teaching a training class of customers at work.


Emily looking so completely badass with some graffiti.


Sad LaChantee after being told that she wasn’t allowed to sleep under my desk at work.


Meredith looking innocent on our outing where we saw the rotating meat.


Kamran flapping the wings of our poor Cornish game hen on our first Thanksgiving together.


Bethany and Tracey “biting” into the pizza-themed glass cutting board my parents gave me for Christmas to mock my cooking skillz.


Sonya wishfully thinking.


Kamran being EATEN IN THE FACE by a monkey at Dave & Buster’s.


Katie being EATEN IN THE FACE by Nick’s alligator head at Evolution.


Oliver, WHO WAS MY BOSS, trying to get me to do GOD KNOWS WHAT by offering
a dollar up to me through the glass on a rainy night at a bar on a work trip in New Orleans.


Joanie and Tracey figure skating in a Kohl’s in Kentucky.


Dominique telling the obnoxious wallpaper in her apartment building to pipe down.


Mike and Jessica, the vegetarians, clearly craving some meats.


Sonya pretending to actually love Adam for more than just his hair.


Kamran casually eating his frozen yogurt after totally dropping a big brown splotch on his shirt.


The one time someone actually did the “do it again” to me.

Thanks, friends!

Bellies Full of Cheeses, Faces Full of Spleen

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 2, 2009 – 4:00 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession
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I’m leaving work early today to go to one of a long line of scholarship receptions for Dr. Boyfriend. Because even though the law firm where he’s a patent agent is paying for him to go to law school, he’s a genius and can’t avoid getting money thrown at him.

For some reason, I get all excited about these receptions. I just think it’s so neat that he works full-time and somehow still manages to be at the top of his class (mostly by staying home and reading cases when he should be taking his lady out dancing) that I feel sort of like a proud mother when the invitations come in the mail. I think about how the dean of the school will fawn over him, and how I’ll embarrass myself trying to make everyone laugh, and how we’ll fill up on cured meats and cookies.

But what I never remember is that by the end of them, this always happens:

Gimme Some Money

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 1, 2009 – 10:32 am
Filed under living in new york sucks so hard
Tagged as ,

It’s a funny thing, being an intensely poor lady who spends all of her time in her boyfriend’s richie-rich, circa-1920, hand-carved Italian stone apartment building with its own gym, laundry, and convenience store. Walking out of the lobby this morning, I followed through the revolving doors an older, classier woman with a Blanc de Chine shopping bag. And not, like, the paper bag they give you at DKNY or even the vinyl bag they give you at Scoop but a legitimate canvas bag that can be treasured and flaunted for years and years to come.

Now, that name wouldn’t have meant anything to me a few years ago, but you may remember back in 2007, when I hardcore coveted this Blanc de Chine cape that cost over $1600:

but instead bought this cape, which cost me $9:

I’m telling myself there’s no way that woman bought anything but a pair of cashmere socks, but I don’t think they hand out canvas bags for that.

Eruption on the M15

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 31, 2009 – 1:51 pm
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, funner times on the bus, it's fun to be fat, music is my boyfriend, my uber-confrontational personality, par-tay
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I was riding the M15 up from the East Village after a Friday night of karaoke classics at my favorite place to watch my friends make fools of themselves, Sing-Sing, when at a stop near 34th Street, a man stood up from his seat and began yelling at the person behind him, seemingly out of nowhere. This is precisely what I heard:

“You want to step out?! You want to step out?! You’re not so clean! Your butt is dirty! Asshole!”

He was a stubby guy with a backpack and the leftovers of an Asian accent, and his victim was a white-haired, cane-holding black gentleman who didn’t seem to notice that he’d just been given a verbal beat-down. Now to be fair, I was in the back of the bus behind a guy who was inexplicably grunting at ten-second intervals, but I’m positive that’s what the yeller yelled. How he knew anything about his fellow rider’s butt I’m less sure of.

He strutted off the bus with an air of accomplishment, and we were all left to wonder what the old man could’ve possibly said to rile him up.

(Posted on Examiner, which pays me for your visits (hint, hint))

And because I can’t resist:


Steven and Emily singing (or, you know, not singing in this photo) a romantic duet
of Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract”


Nik and Charles enjoying Jeff’s rendition of “Stayin’ Alive”


Roxanne showing her Jamaican roots with some Bob Marley, which earned her the eye
of the one other Jamaican dude who sings karaoke in NYC.


Adam unabashedly doing the robot while Steven gets DOWN.