plumpdumpling

Author Archives: plumpdumpling

The One in Which I Lose the Two Black Friends I Have

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 2, 2011 – 12:00 pm

A salon in Downtown Brooklyn:

So, then, what is white elegance? Is it too racist if I say “spelling things correctly”?

How Many Times Can I Talk About Excrement in One Post?

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 1, 2011 – 12:00 pm

Filed under just pictures, living in new york is neat, living in new york sucks so hard, potty mouth
Tagged as just pictures, living in new york is neat, living in new york sucks so hard, potty mouth

A pretty fountain in the gardens outside of Kamran’s apartment building that speaks of a grander time when you noticed the 1920s handmade Italian tiles on the sides of the buildings more than the streaks of not-quite-cleaned-up-well-enough dog poo on the sidewalks. Not that I blame them. Touching feces through a plastic bag is still touching feces.

And speaking of poo, I finally posted another poll on IS IT PEE-PEE? today. This one was motivated by Dishy of The Daily Dish and The Daily Dish, and her hilarious bloggin’ daughter, Madison.

They Grow Up So Fast

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 30, 2011 – 12:00 pm

Filed under a taste for tv
Tagged as a taste for tv, hell's kitchen, most eligible dallas

Along with turning my brain to mush and making me think I might want to do something ridiculous like go to culinary school when I can’t even eat tomatoes, reality TV shows are currently making me question how much of an old lady I am.

It started yesterday afternoon with this woman, Courtney Kerr, when I saw an episode of “Most Eligible Dallas” on Bravo:

As soon as I saw her, I thought, “God, why does Bravo keep doing shows about old people?” But then I realized that their demographic is probably the middle-aged housewife living out in the middle of nowhere (i.e. Dallas) and not the twentysomething wannabe-culturehound living in NYC.

But THEN I saw her age flash across the screen: twenty-nine.

That is what a 29-year-old woman looks like? I was under the impression that this person was in her late 30s or early 40s and had maybe had some work done.

Then I saw the age of another of Dallas’s supposedly most eligible:

Early 40s, right? Or, like, maybe even 60 but with a decent plastic surgeon. But no, she’s TWENTY-THREE! Is that even possible?

Then there are these two from “MasterChef”:

Adrien, 28, and Jennifer, 34. To me, Adrien looks solidly in his 30s, and Jennifer could be Helen Mirren’s slightly younger sister.

I’m not saying any of these people look bad, but none of them look remotely close to the image I have of myself. I know I look older than your average college student, because when I look at girls who are 21 or 22, they look like babies to me. Like, almost to the point that they seem a little gross and unwashed. Maybe a little drooly, even.

But when I look at all of these people, I feel like I’m the baby. Does the camera add ten years in addition to ten pounds, or do I just look like an old lady in my late 20s and not realize it?

HURRICANE WEEKEND!!!

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 29, 2011 – 12:00 pm

Filed under living in new york is neat
Tagged as hurricane irene, living in new york is neat

• Friday morning: Kamran and I cancel our Saturday night dinner with Kim and have a fancy lunch instead to fill our weekend fine dining quota.

• Friday afternoon: I attempt to order groceries through FreshDirect but find that all of their delivery slots are sold out already.

• Friday evening: Kamran and I stop at the grocery store for cheeses, meats, chocolates, Oreos, and a bottle of water. Not a gallon. A bottle.

• Friday evening: Kamran and I order chicken fingers parmigiana sandwiches with cole slaw, potato salad, and French fries for dinner, citing that it’s “Hurricane Weekend” and we have to store up fat.

• Saturday morning: Kamran and I order $80 worth of noodles and crispy pork belly from a restaurant on Seamlessweb to last us the weekend, wait an hour, call them to see where our food is, and find that they’re closed.

• Saturday noon: The subways and buses shut down. My best friend texts me and asks how I’m doing. I tell her we’re STARVING TO DEATH.

• Saturday afternoon: I call around to every restaurant in the neighborhood. One pizzeria is open. We order enough calzones and pizza for two days.

• Saturday afternoon: Kamran realizes I’ve had some roses he bought me sitting in a vase for approximately two months now and curses me under his breath as he throws them away and fills his apartment with stinking water smell. I tell him to take it down a notch, because this is Hurricane Weekend, and we’re trapped in his apartment together for two days.

• Saturday afternoon: The mandatory evacuation of the neighborhood where my office is begins. My dad texts me and tells me to go to Kamran’s, which of course I already have. My great-aunt calls to make sure I’m still alive. It hasn’t even started raining at this point.

• Saturday evening: Kamran’s building warns that we won’t be able to flush the toilets if the power goes down. We consider filling his bathtub full of water for approximately three seconds. Then we consider at least filling his sink. Then we go back to watching “Jersey Shore”.

• Saturday evening: I buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Red Velvet Cake ice cream from the convenience store in Kamran’s building and eat it all, citing once again that it’s Hurricane Weekend.

• Saturday evening: Kamran and I do absolutely nothing to prepare for what’s about to happen overnight, deciding that if the water reaches us at more than ten stories high, we deserve to die.

• Sunday, 3 a.m.: I wake up to some light sprinkling outside.

• Sunday noon: Absolutely nothing has happened.

• Sunday afternoon: Everyone feels really embarrassed about those 24 gallons of water taking up 3/4 of their studio apartments.

• Sunday evening: Kamran and I go outside for the first time since Friday night to survey the damage and find what amounts to this: