I went to dinner with my friend Ash last night at Famous Dave’s (chain BBQ!) in Times Square, and then we went to see the dreaded final Twilight movie. (And not dreaded because we’re going to miss the series so much, mind you.)
I wasn’t planning to see this one any time soon, because, you know, they’re generally terrible, awful, horrible movies to begin with, but I especially couldn’t justify spending a month’s rent to see this one after Edward had that amaaaaazingly bad line in the last one. Hold on. Let me find it.
Oh, oh, here we go: “Jacob imprinted. They can’t hurt her. Whoever a wolf imprints on can’t be harmed. It’s their most absolute law.”
SO BAD. Especially in context. The screenwriter was clearly like, “Ahh, crap, I forgot to work in the wolves’ most absolute law earlier in the series. I’ll just have a character announce it out of nowhere. The audience won’t care. They’re all teenage girls and middle-aged women too busy having mindsex with Robert Pattinson to notice.”
But this one was easily the most enjoyable in the series! I’m actually–dare I say–glad I saw it in the theater? Without giving away any spoilers (because I knooooow you’re Fandangoing your tickets as we speak), here are the high/lowlights:
• The opening credits were really artistic and convinced me the baby’s face wouldn’t be CGI this time
• Not only was the baby’s face CGI, but it stayed CGI as she grew up for no apparent reason
• Renesmee got too old too fast, and you realize there’s no way Bella could have possibly loved this kid who skipped right over all of her time as a baby, which is of course the only time children are cute enough to tolerate
• So many creepy imprinting-pedophilia jokes
• Brilliant job working a fight scene into a chick flick
• I actually teared up when one of the wolves fell down the chasm, which I realize is insane
• No cringe-inducing characters-saying-lines-only-to-fill-plot-holes
• Edward and Bella were less annoying now that they could just be together instead of constantly emoing out over not being able to be together
• Bella actually looked kind of hot with her giant Amy Winehouse hair
• The super-extended cheeseball end credits made you feel like you actually loved these characters, as long as you can forget about how ugly everyone was in the first movie
But the real highlight was the costume display outside of the theater and the Jacob mannequin’s manboobs:
