My former co-worker/former friend/now bitter enemy Adam was one of the most admired/most feared people at my company because of his crushing sardonic humor. I figured I would never be on the receiving end of it because I kept him well-supplied with Bit-O-Honey candy and because we have a shared homeland: the lush, rolling hills of Ohio. So when I asked Adam to write a guest post for me–because his brilliant blog has now been dormant for a year–of course he decided to write about Ohio sucking.
I’m not entirely sure why Katie asked me to guest write this blog. Maybe she’s trying to throw me a bone because she feels sorry for me that I have 2% of the number of followers she has on Twitter. I don’t need your charity!
I like Katie’s blog, so I agreed to write a post for her. I don’t want to go into completely uncharted territory my first time, so I decided to write about one of her “favourite” topics: Ohio.
Like Katie, I am from Ohio. Unlike Katie, I am not proud of this. I am from the part of the state that is best known for–depending on your age and your politics–the transvestite from the TV show “MASH”, or Joe the Plumber, or nothing at all. And while I was raised and educated in Ohio, I wasn’t born there, which allows me to honestly answer questions about where I’m from without mentioning the state.
Why my hostility to Ohio? It’s nothing personal. But this blog is normally filled with Ohio-pride, so I feel it’s my responsibility to temper that.
The best I can say about Ohio is that it isn’t that bad. I mean, you never hear of anyone dreaming about moving to Ohio. Today, that is. Tomorrow is another matter.
Two things make up Ohio’s northern border: Michigan and Lake Erie. Michigan is notable for being shaped like a hand. Lake Erie is notable for being one of the five Great Lakes. The Great Lakes are notable for holding over 20% of the fresh water that currently exists on the entire planet.
Lake Erie is the second smallest of the Great Lakes, but it’s still a pretty big lake. At almost 10,000 square miles, it’s bigger than 6 states, including New Jersey. And at one time it was almost as polluted as New Jersey. In 1969, a river that feeds Lake Erie caught fire. That river and others like it had been catching fire sporadically for 100 years by that point. But the 1969 fire was a significant enough embarrassment to virtually every level of government that it served as a catalyst to the creation of the US Environmental Protection Agency.
Global warming, climate change, tree-hugger chicken-little bullshit… whatever you prefer to call it, if it’s actually happening, access to fresh water may become a source of wealth and power, much like access to energy sources are today. So it’s actually conceivable that people will dream about moving to Ohio in the future.
God, I really hope that day never comes.
20 Comments
Are you sure the pollution didn’t come from New York’s moldy toenail?
I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually pulled up a map of New York to try to make some sense of this comment.
My mother (and, obviously, her family) are from the Cleveland area. They’re all insane. Like, literally.
But I love them. And I have fond memories of middle American vacations to the “motherland.” Amish delicacies are among my top favorite things in the world.
That said, did I mention my Ohio family is ‘effin nuts?
Amish delicacies deserve a little bit of explanation, because it sounds like some sort of euphemism along the lines of Rocky Mountain Oysters.
You’re pretty good at blogging, guest blogger, but where you excel is clearly in the comments section.
The fresh churned butter! The fluffy carb-laden delights! The quilts, man, the QUILTS!
Adam lived in the same part of Ohio that I did, so I should probably be all offended. But then I was out in the sticks, rather than down town, which could definitely run shady. I blame its proximity to Michigan.
All I’ll say about Lake Erie is that I pulled a bunch of great tasting walleye out of there. So pay no attention to the 3 nuclear power plants on it’s western perimeter… just eat the fish.
Don’t let my sophistication fool you: I’m not from “down town”. I’m 100% suburban. I have to look at a map to know how to get to downtown, not that there’s any reason in the world for me to go downtown.
A band I used to like has a lyric which says, “Ohio has the flavor of a water chestnut/It’s not too crazy and it’s not the best, but…” I’ve always felt that was pretty spot-on.
Exactly, but that’s a pretty tenuous rhyme, and it suggests that Ohio has some quality that redeems its blandness. What is it?
I just can’t hate on a state that’s home to the rollercoaster capital of the world.
I thought long and hard on this comment, and all I could come up with is, you’re right. I do have happy childhood memories of riding rollercoasters.
Unfortunately, now, when I think of rollercoasters, I don’t think of Cedar Point, but of The Cyclone at Coney Island. I don’t understand how, in a society where people sue – and win! – when their coffee is too hot, how a contraption like that remains open.
Is it weird that I still want to ride it? I feel like I’m not allowed to call myself a true rollercoaster lover until I ride it — it’s such a classic! That would probably be the last thing I did in life though haha.
It’s next to impossible for me to believe that anyone actually enjoys The Cyclone. It shakes you around in a way that hurts, and not in a good way. I had never before – nor since – experienced my brain banging around in my skull. I had a splitting headache the rest of the day.
ok i haven’t been back to CP in about 10 years but in my mind, it’s still the best thing about ohio. it’s pretty awesome. but i hate going back to ohio in general so i still never go there!
How does a body of water catch on fire? That’s impressive in and of itself.
And I still want to go to the Pumpkin Show.
Technically, the pollution in the water is what caught fire, but that doesn’t offer a bit of comfort.
Is it wrong that I kinda want to pee in Lake Erie now?!
Not if you’re a fish. Otherwise, yes, it’s wrong to want to expose your penis in the vicinity of such pollution.
I dream of moving to Ohio. I mean, just to Circleville for the duration of the Pumpkin Show, but still. That counts, huh?