I’m under the impression that everyone thinks the way they live their lives is superior to the way everyone else lives theirs. I’ll tell you all day long that I don’t begrudge anyone for wanting to live a quiet life full of children and pets in Hell, Michigan, but the truth is that I’ve made the decisions I’ve made BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BEST DECISIONS. And I’m guessing that everyone else feels that way, too. (Except for women who had abortions in college, because everyone knows that all women regret that.)
But I sometimes forget that everyone’s walking around in a bubble of life-choices-related superiority, and thank god I have my dear great-aunt to remind me. When I was home last month, my sister and I went to visit Crazy Aunt Dorothy (or CAD™) between our three family Thanksgivings. My sister is clearly the favourite with her, a fact that I didn’t realize until recently. I live a 10-hour drive away from home and visit anywhere from six to nine times a year, depending on how often Cassie clicks on my blog ads and earns me money for plane tickets. My sister lives a mere three hours away in Kentucky and visits half as much. I assumed that this made me the most beloved great-niece, but I guess it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, because my great-aunt couldn’t get enough Joanie.
And Joanie is great. She also has a husband, a house, a cat and a dog, future plans for children, classic fashion sense, shiny hair, and a job at the university. A SMALL-TOWN GREAT-AUNT’S DREAM. But I’m the one who does all the work! I’m the one who comes home for a week at a time and sees her multiple times and goes shopping with her and eats her German chocolate cake when I don’t even like German chocolate cake. Our great-aunt and -uncle talk nonstop about how wonderful Joanie’s husband is, how he’s “such a character” and “such a catch” when–and I’m not exaggerating–he spends 95% of his visits with them messing with his iPhone and hoping they’ll leave him alone. Meanwhile, the one time Kamran came home with me, he let them teach him how to play The Official Card Game of the Great State of Ohio™, Euchre, and then played all afternoon with them.
JUST SAYING.
Anyway, on this visit, Crazy Aunt Dort announced that she had bought something so cute and went to the back of the house to retrieve it. She emerged from the room where they keep her scrapbook collection and his pocketknife(!) and rifle(!) collection with a plastic bag and announced to me, “I’m going to give this to Joanie, because she has a house.” And I was like, “EXCUSE ME? I don’t have a house? I have a house that we pay $3000 a month for! I have a house in the most important city in the world! My house is better than Joanie’s! It has a doorman and a gym built right into it! What do you mean I don’t have a house?!”
And then we all sat awkwardly silent for a second before I laughed and said, “Juuuuuuuuust kidding.” And I kind of was kidding, because I’m not going to fight my darling sister over a ceramic turkey napkin holder, but as I sat watching her and CAD talk about it, I did feel sort of lonely about my life choices. I told myself, “I don’t need to define my success by my great-aunt’s approval of me,” but of course I want recognition that I’m doing okay. I want her to be like, “You are making different choices than most Ohio-bred women do, but they are the correct choices for you. You have always been different, nay, special.”
When I talked to my BFF, Tracey, about it later that night, she said, “Aunt Dorothy just doesn’t even understand what your life in New York is like.” And it’s true. She can’t imagine what it’s like to live in an apartment instead of a house and to have a boyfriend of six+ years but feel no need to get married and to love a job that might not guarantee me a billion dollars. I mean, this is a woman who once told me that Kamran’s easier to love because he makes money. She later told me that she hopes I meet a nice boy like my sister did, and then clearly remembered Kamran’s existence again and had to assure me that he’s a nice boy. She never asks about my job, because she doesn’t understand what I do. She doesn’t care which movies I’ve been in, because she doesn’t have a DVD player. She doesn’t care about the amazing restaurant I went to or how lucky I am to have an awesome roommate or which magazine did an article on me. Ugh.
I don’t need anyone to think I’m doing it better than they are, but I wouldn’t mind if they just didn’t think I was doing it wrong.
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But WEEEEE love you Katie. And to prove it, you can send me all the German Chocolate Cake that you didn’t want to eat.
You’re welcome.
In barf form? Because you know I’m too nice to have flat-out refused to eat it. It’s in my belly.
Well, dang, U.M…
this made me… kind of… sad! And I’m not the type of dude who spends a lot of time on fancy things like ’emotions’ or whatnot.
If it makes you feel any better, it sure sounds to me like you are doing it right. Take that for what it’s worth, though… because I know that I am doing it all wrong. Constantly.
Of course to me, you can do no wrong, because you’re an artiste. That makes sense to me. This wasn’t supposed to make you sad, though! If anything, it should make you feel not alone in doing it wrong.
Well, she IS crazy. And you’re awesome.
But I completely understand the need to feel accepted, especially by family. My grandma has always made it known that my sister is superior and all that, and even though I gave her her first great-grand kids, and email her regularly, she still likes Carly more.
Sometimes you just can’t win.
Seriously, the great-grandkids should have done it. It’s like, what more can we do? And it’s a shame, because it makes me not want to try as hard. I mean, I loooooove her, and she’s been generally wonderful to me, but when she called me last weekend, I found myself thinking, “Why should I bother picking up? My sister never has time to talk to her and is still beloved, so screw it.”
Also, I clicked four ads.
I need to play more euchre.
Everyone does. Although you can make up for a lack of Euchre with The Official Barn Game of the Great State of Ohio™, Cornhole.
Did I ever tell you about the custom Ohio State cornhole set we received as a wedding gift?
This post is laced with so much humor that I don’t feel as if I can give the emotional response I want to in order to help you validate your existence. So let’s just say, you go girl. I think you are kicking Ohio farm girl butt all over the place. I mean I wrote a grad school paper about you, after all. (That sounds super creepy when I phrase it like that.)
Validate me! Actually, you’re a person who never, ever makes me feel like you’re judging my existence, and that’s really validation enough. I’ve been dying from the flu all week and haven’t had a chance to read the paper yet, but I’m going to be deeply disappointed if it’s not creepy enough.
I wonder if this is a generational thing sometimes. My grandma is the same way. She was once comparing her two (step) grandchildren, two wonderfully adorable and talented sisters, and she just went on about “Oh, E is cute and all, but A is just SO BEAUTIFUL.” and it made me want to scream. She also told me she used to tell her kids (one of them being my father), “You are no better than anyone else but you are just as good.” And she said it like it was the best parenting advice anyone could ever bestow. Like “Hey kid, you aren’t special, but don’t let Tommy next door think he’s better than you. YOU’RE WELCOME!” Maybe it’s not bad advice but it seems kind of bitchy.
Anyway, those are just two examples of some sort of Greatest-Generation-Baby-Boom-Producing-Wisdom. I’m sure there’s great pop psychology behind it. I don’t know. What I do know is that I found your tale very moving and I like it when you write with poignancy. I hope your Aunt comes around one day and even if she doesn’t , I hope you don’t let her bring you down and that you can enjoy your visits to Ohio without such negativity.
It’s funny, because my great-aunt is so careful to make sure to call us all equally beautiful. My youngest cousin won 2nd attendant in this fall’s local pumpkin festival, so everyone was going on and on for a while about how beautiful she is, but my great-aunt would always be sure to turn the conversation back around to how also-beautiful my sister and I and the other cousins are. So there’s that. Of course, I don’t value beauty as much as other traits, so it’s lost on me.
If my experience with my great-aunt makes me want to try harder to understand other people’s lives and life decisions, I wonder if there was something in your grandma’s past that made her want her kids to feel not-special.
This is what is so freaking fabulous about the holidays. In case it wasn’t clear LAST year, all of my family members will again make it clear they are still disappointed with me! In my case it’s because I choose not to be religious and also it seems my vagina doesn’t work properly, therefore I have produced no children (which is my sole purpose in existing, of course).
If it helps, I personally approve of your life choices and think you deserve all of the hideous turkey napkin rings!
At least you have pets. Keeping pets alive proves that once your vagina does what they want it to, you’ll know how to care for children, too. I’ve proven nothing. Looking forward to your post-Christmas rant-blog all the same.
Iiiinteresting. I definitely don’t think the way I live my life is superior to the way anyone else lives theirs. My decisions have not been the best, for me or for anyone. And I assume more people feel that way than feel like they’ve really done everything right.
That said, family members playing favorites sucks. Have I told you about my grandma who sucks? One year, she asked all the grandkids what color of toy hammock they wanted. Remember those things? They were SWEET. And I was SO excited for one. I would lay in my room thinking about how pretty my hot pink toy hammock would look.
Christmas came and went. No hammock. Weird. But then I saw one at my cousins house in her favorite color (purple). And another cousins. Odd. I found out years later that she’d bought toy hammocks for all of the grandkids except me and my sister, claiming something like we seemed better off than the other cousins and probably didn’t need them. (We weren’t better off, my mom was a waitress at that point) My mom threw a shit fit and said that she needed to get something for every grandkid, even if it was a pair of socks. And for the next 15 years she spitefully wrapped one pair of socks for every grandchild.
So, obviously, this is the grandma I’m named after.
But . . . but . . . your life IS superior! Or maybe you’re just superior, and therefore whatever decisions you make seem like the right ones. At least I know you feel superior about your food-grade plastics knowledge.
The toy hammock story is the beeeeeest. Partly because my sister had a toy hammock, and partly because your grandma is a deliciously spiteful bitch.
Oh, Katie. This was great.
This is excellent timing, since I have been panicking about buying a house for the past several months. I guess I’d been thinking that if I kept renting then I could someday pack up all of my belongings and move to not-Ohio. Even though I now have my dream job here and a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to leave Ohio. I’ve been resisting doing what’s expected of me (house-buying, retirement planning, etc.) because I, too, am DIFFERENT/SPECIAL.
But, hey, my choices led me here, and I have become who I am because of them, and just because I’m buying a house and committing to living in Ohio for the foreseeable future doesn’t mean that I’m NOT special. We have both found lives that make us happy, and that’s brilliant.
Plus, my new house is AWESOME and I can’t wait to move in.
It’s so funny to hear these things, because of course I look at your life and think it’s super. Why would you want to leave Ohio?! I mean, sure, the state has banned you from marrying who you want to, but . . . at least you can work your dream job and actually afford a house!
I think I do spend a lot of my time making sure everyone knows how special I am; how strange to realize that I don’t think you’re any less special for living in Ohio, buying a house, settling down with one person, etc. It turns out I’ve made all the wrong choices!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD, KATIE.
I was just having a conversation with my husband about my latest nerves with the impending holidays… his parents ALWAYS glorify his siblings’ struggles and triumphs (“they just have to work SO hard!” “she just has so much on her plate!”) – very dramatic – and act like the crap we’ve been through or the achievements we’ve made is just a part of our existence… a tidbit, a good piece for small talk – IF they even care to know what’s going on in our lives. But I can tell you all the horrendous/stupendous details of their monotony… EESH.
AND my Grandmother didn’t come to our wedding despite my parents offering to pay for her ticket and/or drive 14 hours to pick her up (she’s in Ohio, too), but she declined for “health reasons”… only to discover this past month she traveled to Michigan for my cousin’s high school honor club induction. I MEAN REALLY.
And people wonder why I drink a lot.
Anyways, I wanted to run all the way to NYC to your awesome house with a gym and a doorman and give you and your living-in-sin lover a big, squishy hug. Because I empathize so much.
Side note #1: I can tell you I am proud of my decisions, despite how weird or poorly planned or crazy they were because DARN IT, at least I’ve had a life and I’ve learned so much.
Side note #2: Love that picture. :)
Side note #3: For what it’s worth, I pick bloggin’ favorites, and you’re definitely one of those. <3
I have so much to say about this, but it’s bound to be offensive (not to you, I find you superior) and I’m tired of fighting on the internet, so let’s have an in-person rant.
It’s mostly because have already talked about this, but you the know the line that stood out to me in this post was, ” I don’t even like German chocolate cake.”
HOW ARE WE FRIENDS?
(Just kidding.)
So I’m assuming that none of the many packages that have been arriving at my house for you contain Christmas present for Aunt Dorothy this year?
Several years ago, one of my grandmothers arranged a full-family portrait (ie, them and all their children/grandchildren). Every household got one 8×10 framed picture except for me – I was living in an apartment by myself, so I just got a wallet-sized one.
I feel ya.
I feel the same!!!!! Just because I am not married and don’t have any kids yet doesn’t mean that I’m not making the right choices for ME. It’s hard to live in big cities like New York and LA and there is a reason that I moved here instead of saying in Ohio, because that’s not what I wanted!!
So many exclamation points!!! But I agree so much!!!!
Why is it we want our families to accept us so bad? I’ve made decisions to benefit my life a couple of times and it took me months to work up the courage to tell my parents because I knew they’d disapprove. It’s worse when there’s a sibling being compared to you, as if sibling rivalry weren’t hard enough.
I’m sorry your Auntie is belittling you, but know that I personally think your life is absolutely amazing.
WELCOME TO MY SINGLE YEARS. And I didn’t even have the benefit of living in New York City! I had to feel superior in Shreveport, Louisiana! Do you have any idea how hard that is?!
Juuuuust kidding. Well, sort of, because I do understand how maddening it is when you have achieved exactly the life you want but other people clearly think you’re pathetic. But we’ve already established that other people are quite often dumb. All of which is to say: Your life IS fantastic and YOU are fantastic and your CHOICES are fantastic. Keep being fantastic and buy your own damn turkey napkin holder.
Oh Katie! Let me be your CAB (Crazy Aunt Bybee). I promise, I’m in your corner. I’ll champion you!
I kind of get the same thing. People think I’m selfishly farting around by living and working overseas rather than earning a living. I get variations of “when are you gonna stop that nonsense and come back?”
This post made me sad, particularly because it was really relatable for me. I think everyone has one or more of those family members who think that our way of life is weird if it doesn’t conform to some suburban-cookie cutter mold. I think it’s important to not let their opinions get to you, no matter how hard it is, and just remember why you made the choices you did and be happy knowing that YOU are content with your life. I think people who live in smaller towns tend to think “city folk” are ‘lost’ and ‘weird’ – it’s unknown territory to them, and it probably scares the shit out of them.
I think you’re doing it right! I never understand how people can be so judgmental about the way other people live their lives — it doesn’t affect you, so what does it matter? Everyone finds happiness in their own ways.
I know this is trite but let your sister have this one. You are living a life that many people envy, and baby, that should be enough.
I love you, Katie Ett! And you’re totally doing it right! And you, much like me, look EXACTLY THE SAME as you did when you were little. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
Amen, sister friend. I am the only person in my family to a) go to college, and b) move away (to a city, no less). When i’m with them, I feel like the odd woman out. It’s like, I don’t have any kids or pick-up trucks to talk about so what could I possibly say that is of any value? But, like your friend said, they don’t understand.
Black, educated, independent sheep over here. Can I get a hell yeah?
I know we already talked about this topic before, and you know I feel as though I’m never good enough for the parent figures because I’m such a weirdo. But I also was thinking, no matter what choices you make, you will at times, even for just a few moments, regret not being on the other side. Like, I like that I’m married and in a stable relationship and living in New York City but I sometimes wonder what my life would have been if I did move to Hawaii and try to be a surf chick while doing all sorts of random jobs, or if I had pushed myself to really become a freelance developer and just be able to do my job at a beach somewhere and not worry about anyone missing me. That would have made my parents a lot less happy, but it still could have been fun. But then I remember how much I love my life now having my family and of course having you to hang out with, and I forget about it, until the next wanderlust-themed movie comes along. You OBVIOUSLY have a fantastic life here, but I get how frustrating it is to be judged based on all the wrong details.
I loved this post and loved the comments even more.
Also, what the hell do you do for a job?!