I went to dinner with my friend Ash last night at Famous Dave’s (chain BBQ!) in Times Square, and then we went to see the dreaded final Twilight movie. (And not dreaded because we’re going to miss the series so much, mind you.)
I wasn’t planning to see this one any time soon, because, you know, they’re generally terrible, awful, horrible movies to begin with, but I especially couldn’t justify spending a month’s rent to see this one after Edward had that amaaaaazingly bad line in the last one. Hold on. Let me find it.
Oh, oh, here we go: “Jacob imprinted. They can’t hurt her. Whoever a wolf imprints on can’t be harmed. It’s their most absolute law.”
SO BAD. Especially in context. The screenwriter was clearly like, “Ahh, crap, I forgot to work in the wolves’ most absolute law earlier in the series. I’ll just have a character announce it out of nowhere. The audience won’t care. They’re all teenage girls and middle-aged women too busy having mindsex with Robert Pattinson to notice.”
But this one was easily the most enjoyable in the series! I’m actually–dare I say–glad I saw it in the theater? Without giving away any spoilers (because I knooooow you’re Fandangoing your tickets as we speak), here are the high/lowlights:
• The opening credits were really artistic and convinced me the baby’s face wouldn’t be CGI this time
• Not only was the baby’s face CGI, but it stayed CGI as she grew up for no apparent reason
• Renesmee got too old too fast, and you realize there’s no way Bella could have possibly loved this kid who skipped right over all of her time as a baby, which is of course the only time children are cute enough to tolerate
• So many creepy imprinting-pedophilia jokes
• Brilliant job working a fight scene into a chick flick
• I actually teared up when one of the wolves fell down the chasm, which I realize is insane
• No cringe-inducing characters-saying-lines-only-to-fill-plot-holes
• Edward and Bella were less annoying now that they could just be together instead of constantly emoing out over not being able to be together
• Bella actually looked kind of hot with her giant Amy Winehouse hair
• The super-extended cheeseball end credits made you feel like you actually loved these characters, as long as you can forget about how ugly everyone was in the first movie
But the real highlight was the costume display outside of the theater and the Jacob mannequin’s manboobs:
15 Comments
What’s funny about this movie was that I thought it was bad, but not horribly bad as they usually are, just sub par bad. The CGI’ed baby was so totally creepy and I at first was excited when the whole ‘you know what’ happened, and then it ‘you know what?” lame. Personally, I think they owed it to Stephanie Meyer to completely ruin the ending of her book because it was, in fact, awful. But whatever. It’s happy. The end.
Yeah, that part was SHOCKING to me. I finished the books years ago and then immediately forgot them, so I had no idea that the end was going to happen that way. My whole theater gasped and then laughed.
Well, I saw the last one and it was so terrible but I guess I have to check out part two then! :) Thanks for the review and for making me laugh! I love your writing!
It’s definitely a step or two up from the last one! There were a few times at the beginning where we laughed at how awful it was, but then we couldn’t help but love the story. See it and let me know what you think!
I can’t decide if I’m really curious enough to see in theaters. My friends and I snuck alcohol into the first two, then chickened out after that when someone got arrested for doing the same. Needless to say, it just hasn’t been as fun since.
I mean . . . it’s pretty epic. I’m not going to push it on you, because of course it’s ultimately a fluff series, but if you tolerated the other movies, I’d say this one is the one best seen in theaters. Too bad about the lack of drunkenness, though!
So you’re obviously Team Jacob then. I knew it.
I really am! I was so happy when she started half-cheating with Jacob and so sad when she stopped. But I secretly think Stephenie Meyer did a good job of throwing the Jacob-lovers a bone when it comes to the imprinting.
The Vampires from Underworld would totally eat these guys’ lunches.
Team Selina, baby!
I’ve never seen those movies, for some reason, but I AM Team Kate Beckinsale. Totally gorgeous despite being British.
I saw it in NYC the weekend it came out and, as a fan of the terribly written books, I was pleasantly surprised that Kristen didn’t annoy the shit out of me.
Your post on Facebook was one of the things that made me agree to see it!
So… this is the one where they fight Voldemort, right?!
;)
Of course. Michael J. Fox also reprises his role as Teen Wolf to help in the battle, and Shaun of the Dead makes a quick cameo to kill Dakota Fanning.
You know, a student of mine just finished telling me the same exact thing about this movie being the least sucky of them all. I truly cannot believe it. To me, the trailer looks so god-awful that I have been terrified to actually shell out money and see it. I mean, I want to see it in that I’ve-made-it-this-far-so-I-kinda-have-to sort of way, but my heart isn’t in it.