I’m leaving tonight to spend the next four days in OHIO. My plans are as follows:

Tonight: arrive at the airport at 10 p.m. and get whisked away by my BFF, Tracey, to one of several fast food joints I don’t have access to in NYC. Steak ‘n Shake, Taco Bell, and Arby’s are strong contenders. Go back to her house, put on a shit-ton of gaudy of makeup, and go dancing with our friend Kim at Skully’s for Ladies 80s night, where I will want to hear The Cure, Tracey will want to hear anything she can play air saxophone or flute to, and Kim will rap along to every single lyric of every single 80s hiphop song. Arrive back at Tracey’s at 3 a.m., reeking of sweat and with “I’m Too Sexy” ringing in our ears.

Friday: hopefully spend the entire day stuck on Tracey’s couch, watching reruns of something like “Breaking Bad” or “The Killing”, stopping only to drive down the street in our pajamas to Dairy Queen. Revel in the fact that neither of us have kids and can therefore be totally selfish with our time. Drive down to our hometown for a photoshoot with our elementary school friend Stephanie and her family in the massive woodlands nearby. Say hi to my dad as he shells corn in a combine on one of our farms and possibly hitch a ride with him for a few rounds, reliving one of my favourite childhood memories. Go to Caffé DaVinci to relive another favourite memory, eating this, and then see our friends Erin and Jenn for a game of Cards Against Humanity, which makes Apples to Apples seem as dull as Go Fish.

Saturday: hang out with Tracey aaaaall day, then hang out with my family–including my little sister, who will be driving up from Kentucky–aaaaall night.

Sunday: possibly go to church with my family to see all of the people I used to see every Sunday for the first eighteen years of my life. Go to my great-aunt and -uncle’s sixtieth wedding anniversary, where I’ll play a pivotal role as punch bowl girl.

Monday: hang out with my great-aunt and -uncle aaaaall day, proving that I am the greatest faux-granddaughter and deserve all of the love and attention and homemade red velvet cake. Go back to NYC and nap.