The last time we left our hero (yes, me), I had accidentally been engaged in a fight with a man so feebleminded that the only comeback he could produce to my most snide comment was, “You need to go on a diet!” I suppose he was one of those men who thinks the surest way to offend a lady is to insult her weight, but little did he know that I’ve achieved my current level of pleasant plumpness by enjoying dinners at the very finest restaurants in town with my beloved. I thought about returning the insult:
“I could lose weight, but you can’t lose ugly.”
“I could lose weight, but you’ll never get back your hair.”
“I could lose weight, but you’re stuck with that tiny–” Brain. Tiny brain.
But I figured that someone who isn’t clever enough to argue without immediately attacking outward appearance–pointing out that someone is black or gay or handicapped as if that person doesn’t realize it–isn’t worth my time, and I really didn’t want to lose any more of my cool, so I just said, “That’s very adult of you.”
“Keep stuffing your fat face, lady!” he called back from four rows away. “Maybe it’ll at least keep you quiet.”
I laughed, because at that moment, I was eating a low-carb, low-fat nutrition bar. It couldn’t have been more ironic.
12 Comments
I think you need to be commend for not resorting to swinging a sock full-o-batteries.
Just saying.
:)
So, wait, what did you scream?!
Your initial prospective retorts were along the line of what I was going to propose, which was,
“I can lose weight, but you’ll always be an asshole.”
Or: “Your dad likes me this way… if you can even remember which one he is…”
You showed much more restraint than I would have. I think people like that are used to getting their way through bluster and volume. I don’t think he’s used to anyone standing thier ground, especially a woman.
Give’em hell, Ett!
I think every woman on that bus was PROUD of you for standing up to that asshole, which means you’re a perfectly good role model just the way you are.
GAAAAH. I hate when it erases my perfectly written, funny, witty comment.
Le sigh.
ANYHOW, No means no, man. So I’m glad you screamed it. Stupid ass. I’d kill him.
Kill him with my wit, that is.
I’m also curious about what exactly you yelled at him. Do tell!
You really showed remarkable restraint. I’d have clobbered him with my purse.
What did you say? I imagine that it was like that episode of Buffy called “Hush” whereupon hearing the words, his head explodes.
He TOUCHED you?! OH HELL NO.
I’m so impressed that you actually maintained enough presence of mind to restrain yourself to the degree that you did, but just so you know, I’m pretty sure all your readers can agree that we would have been equally proud if you had decked the jerk.
What a jerk! I can’t believe he touched you.
I think I would have just kept quiet and regret it later – I think it’s good that you screamed at him, he totally deserved it.
I was going to say that you need more trilogies like this on your blog, but that would make it sound as if I hope you have more run-ins like this one.
I do think that you maintained the perfect balance of restraint/composure and not being a total pushover. Well done. Once he touched you, he deserved whatever floodgates of hell you unleashed on him. Except for the landfill jab .. that one hit too close to home ..