For a short while, the recording that played when you called my company was of my voice. When our new phone system was installed, the woman who records the greetings company-wide was on vacation, so the IT department asked me to record the greeting.
Wait. Actually, they asked me to recommend someone with a good speaking voice to do it. And I was like, “Well, people have TOLD ME that I should be a voice actor. I wouldn’t want to, you know, toot my own horn or anything, but . . .” And they were like, “Oh, all right.” Embarrassing.
Naturally, during this time, I had extensive fantasies involving all of my exes finding out about this and then calling my workplace continuously, waiting anxiously for the part where I seductively said quality assurance. I later went on to do the voiceovers for two of our marketing videos, which I now assume they’ve favourited on YouTube and listen to quietly in the bathroom on their iPhones after dinner, the soothing words enterprise content management system the only thing keeping them from raising their hands to their nagging new girlfriends and wives some nights.
These are the kinds of thoughts that get me through repeated friend request rejections by them on Facebook.
14 Comments
Too funny!
But… ‘enterprise content management system’?
I’m… uh… I’m a bit confused.
Am I supposed to press one at this point? Hello? Hello? Maybe I should try pound… or the star key… or, no… wait…
:)
Be careful. Press too many buttons, and you’ll end up making the greeting start over from the beginning. WHICH MAY BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, you perv.
Yeah, I work for a software company. Because that’s what you do with an English degree.
Wait, what does your company do? I do content stuff. They just do web content?
Also, what’s the number? I want to call. It still kind of weirds me out that you have a speaking voice that doesn’t match the one I gave you in my head.
We, um, keep your web content fresh and compliant. And manage your digital assets and stuff. They tell me very little about what actually goes on here. It could be a front for a prostitution ring, for all I know. Haven’t you stalked me on LinkedIn as heartily as I’ve stalked you?
Your speaking voice in my head now includes a southern accent.
Oh right! I was planning to come back and stalk you more later. If I end up hiring you guys (or whatever) will you get a commission?!
Absolutely not. But, you know, serial, it’s not about me. It’s about the company, and whether or not it can afford to supply me with free soda and lunch on Fridays for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Since I see you all the time and know what your voice sounds like, instead of trying to imagine those things, I tried to figure out which animated character would fit your voice if you were indeed a voice actor and the person they actually used did not exist.
I think maybe you could be Dory from “Little Nemo”, and no, not because I’m trying to picture you as a lesbian. Probably ‘coz she’s sweet, silly and a little strange haha! Being normal is so boring. I also think you could’ve done Belle from “Beauty & the Beast” since she reads a lot (even while walking!), and you definitely would’ve enjoyed that feast made by castle-staff-turned-into-home-goods. Obviously I think that if you had voiced these movies you would somehow be transported into their fictional dimensions.
You so crack me up.
I always like to think that my exes read my FourSquare updates and envy the interesting places I go, while they’re stuck going to monster truck rallies or whatever. Mind you, I can’t picture any of my exes actually going to a monster truck rally, but it’s fun to think about.
You really do have a fantastic voice. And you could definitely get voice-over work. Or be a phone-sex operator. But “voice actress” is way classier, so you should probably try that first.
HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHH!!
This is why you’re as good as – nay, BETTER, than the Oatmeal.
Oh this made me laugh.
I once had to do a voice over for a tutorial video at a software company because I had the least southern accents out of all the women employees there.
But, according to Cassie, I still have a southern accent, so I’m sure the tutorial still sounded hick to all their northern clients.
Hahaha!! This is hilarious! I love your blog!
DENIED.
I feel you, girl. Except, my exes would friend me just to either stalk me or brag.
Men.