Someday, when I’m old and famous and dying of an exploded stomach, they’ll ask me what the most important thing I learned in my immense life was, and I’ll say, “Make friends who not only fulfill you emotionally but also have nice cars, big pools, central air, and pets.” Several years ago, I made the very wise decision to become friends with my co-worker Ash, who later married Michael, who had already made the wise decision to be born into a family that owns a house in Cape Cod.
Kamran wasn’t feeling well, so I left alone for their apartment on a Thursday night a couple of weeks ago, and then we picked up our friend Jeff and drove the four hours to the cutest little cottage in the Cape:
my bedroom!
We woke up early Friday morning to hit Keltic Kitchen before the crowds. Michael had been talking about this place for months and telling me it was the best breakfast I’d ever have, but I just couldn’t believe him because of the kitschy name.
But OMG. It was all that he described and more. I had creme brulee French toast with an orange-flavored custard sauce. They had French toast samplers and home fries. We left so stuffed we were unsure we’d ever eat again.
After playing around in the restaurant’s Irish store,
we went to a grocery store to stock up on mostly sweets,
and a surf shop that strangely sold hermit crabs
to stock up on flip-flops and weaponry to protect us on the mean streets of Hyannis:
We headed straight for the beach but found the water cold and the skies overcast,
so we spent the whole time goofing around on a jetty full of fishermen:
Afterward, ankles still covered in sand, we went to Captain Parker’s for breadbowls full of clam chowder, and then spent the night . . . at the arcade in the mall . . . driving around and singing along to “Kiss from a Rose” . . . and seeing X-Men: First Class. Weird, right?
But it was vacation, and we’ll do what we want! We also had ice cream at Four Seas on Kim’s recommendation, and after watching Ash get ogled outside by a maybe-racist/maybe-just-too-smalltown-to-have-ever-seen-someone-not-white girl, I had some crazy concoction of peanut butter ice cream with peanut butter sauce and peanut-butter-infused baby limbs or something, because nothing that doesn’t involve human sacrifice can taste that good.
Unable to resist the call of Irish foodstuffs, we went again to Keltic Kitchen the next morning, and I got something EVEN BETTER than creme brulee French toast, if you can imagine that. It was the 2×4: two eggs (over hard), two Irish sausages, two slices of cinnamon French toast, and two bangers, or thinly-sliced pork belly marbled with fat that melts in your mouth and is a lot less scary than its name would suggest.
We went to a different beach that afternoon and left off the sunscreen this time, having learned our lesson from the day before. So of course it was bright and beautiful and we all burned.
I swear, though, Cape beaches are freaky. The first one was covered in so many shells you had to wear your sandals on the sand, and the second one was full of seagulls plucking crabs out of the sand mere feet from shore.
IS THAT WHAT I’M STANDING ON WHEN I’M IN THE OCEAN? I don’t think I’m enough of a grownup to know these things.
Afterward, we went to the Christmas Tree Shops, to which I can only say, “What a bunch of horse crap! There wasn’t a Christmas tree in sight.” But really, why would I want there to be in the middle of June? Rename your store, you East Coast pinko hippie holiday-loving scum.
Then we stopped for more chowder at Seaside Pub, also on Kim’s recommendation, and everyone agreed it was pretty tasteless, as Kimerly told us it was going to be, so I’m not sure who you want to trust here. For dessert, we went to Katie’s Homemade Ice Cream simply for the name and despite its three out of five stars on Yelp, so of course it turned out to be truly delicious and to have important flavors like cake batter.
That night, we went to Pirate’s Cove for “adventure golf” that included so many testicle jokes,
dancing to entertain people waiting in line at other holes,
holes in one by Ash and me,
and a shark bursting through a wall that I think has very little to do with pirates but was still cool:
Sunday morning, we left the house at 8 a.m. and weren’t allowed any Keltic Kitchen due to time constraints, but even despite that severe oversight, it was a relaxing trip that let me see a whole new part of the U.S. Too bad my beach cravings are only 100 times worse now.
Thanks, Mike and Ash!
20 Comments
Captain Parkers for the win! Next time you should venture out to Truro/Welfleet. Way less tourists (though still a lot of them – it is the Cape, after all) and more ice cream stores and clam shacks (CLAMS ARE DELICIOUS) than you know what to do with. Oh, and a flea market that’s held at a drive-in movie theater. A movie theater that my friend Harry Connick, Jr. likes to frequent. Just sayin ‘ ….
We planned on going to Truro for the wine (Michael had me sample some a few months ago and their house, and OMG, cranberry juice), but something kept us from going. Maybe it’s the name. Truro. It’s the only word dogs would ever say if they could talk.
Ohio has a flea market in a drive-in movie theater! I’ll bet Harry comes to that one, too. Clearly, I am meant for the Cape.
Also, YAY FOR SHARKS! But not in the water. And that shit on the bottom of the ocean? That’s why water shoes were invented.
Do people actually wear those? I was wondering.
I was also wondering if it’s embarrassing to wear them in the pool. I have a weird thing about pool bottoms.
Next summer: You, me, and the boys will rent a little cottage in Truro. Our summer house was there so I spent half my life there and know the ins and outs. I can show you where the absolute best ice cream of your life is. No joke. No toppings necessary. You hear that? NO TOPPINGS NECESSARY. It’s that good.
I’ve only recently started wearing water shoes in the ocean. I love the ocean, I grew up swimming in it, but the more I learn about it, the less I enjoy it. And last summer I started seeing tons of crabs and that sent me over the edge. Get me a nice pool or man made pond, thank you very much.
But as for wearing them in pools? Well, you’re just weird.
I meeeeeeeeean, my favourite ice cream, Graeter’s, requires no toppings. But it’s also full of chunks of dark chocolate as big as your face. Can you compete with that?
I always thought the ocean was safe because it’s so big that all of the poo and whatnot gets diluted, and of course I was never going to touch a crab or anything, because what are the chances it would just happen to be where I am? Riiiiiiiiiiight.
Favorite part: The extra-large marshmallows markets itself as “Great for snacking!”
Nutella is now marketing itself as “great to feed your children in the morning because it’s totally made of natural stuff that includes CHOCOLATE”, so it makes sense.
That stuff is nasty. But Claire loves it. So I tell her it’s only as a snack. If I fed it to her in the morning she’d go into a sugar shock then end up in the corner rocking back and forth.
What an amazing trip. Awesome food AND the beach? Yes!
Also, you must have some insane vacation time saved up. Jealous!
I’m just going to assume you wrote “in the Cape” to be ironic. Really. After everything we went through!
Sorry for the crap chowder rec. It was good in ’10! In the interest of full disclosure, I didn’t even like New England clam chowder until I was 26, so I’m not an expert even though I want to be. I maintain that Captain Parker’s is a tourist trap on a shitty marsh though, and for people who don’t like chowder so much as they like heavy cream so pfft. Chowderfest champions every year running or whatever be damned!
And I agree, you need to go to the lower Cape. I speak as a mid-Cape native and an elitist.
I’m guessing you had to give that shark a few strokes.
Seems the sporting thing to do (with its lack of opposable thumbs and all…). :)
Oh, oh, oh! We used to have that obnoxious dollar store gun when my MIL bought it for Luca. Needless to say, it stayed on the top of the fridge for about a year until it “got lost.”
And doesn’t every place along the ocean sell hermit crabs? Or do they all just have crabs in general?
Looks like a great time. The Ex’s family had a house in Cape Cod. I always enjoyed going there. Next time, try a Whale Watch. Nothing makes a person feel so insignificant as getting in close proximity with a whale.
Possibly the greatest opening sentence ever. And when I was in Rhode Island last summer my friend took me to the Christmas Tree Shops. I, too, was quite confused at the lack of Christmas trees, but they sure had a great makeup selection, so whatever.
OMG. Creme brulee french toast. I NEED SOME.
Also, I’m filing that life lesson with “You can marry more money in 5 minutes than you can make in a lifetime.”
That marshmallow picture looks like it could have been taken here in Ohio at Walmart. I’m jealous you’re having those experiences with people other than me.
Also, I hope you swiped that lamp from your bedroom. It’s too adorable!
Wait, wait, wait…
Cold? At the beach? What you say of cold beach?
Does not compute.
But my beach experiences are limited to the Redneck Riviera and Laguna, so that shows you what I know.
Dude. They have a Christmas Tree Shops in FLORENCE, KENTUCKY. So much for East Coast Hippies, amirite?
That is all.
I am having a-frame flashbacks from that first photo. Our friends cabin in VT is amazing, but you need to be 5 ft tall or under not to constantly be banging your head on the 2nd flr roof.
The rest of the post was great though! Glad you had a swell time. I have eaten more marshmallows this summer than I have the past several yrs. NO MORE, PLEASE. I beg my children to just say no.