I don’t think I’ve been to see a medical doctor since 1994. That was the last time I can remember seeing the inside of a doctor’s office, and even then, I only went because my appendix had ruptured four days earlier and was filling my body full of toxic gangrene.
So when Kamran started insisting recently that I go see a doctor, I was understandably reticent. I don’t know what happens at the doctor’s office. Do I take my clothes off? Where will they touch me? Should I save up my pee?
See, I’ve been going to the eye doctor and the dentist at regular intervals all along, so there are no surprises during the visit. I know the parts I like (the copious encouraged spitting at the dentist), I know the parts I don’t like (when the eye doctor’s assistant weirdly asks me what my hobbies are for my file and I say, “Eating?”), and I know I won’t have to do it again for a predetermined amount of time. Because nothing’s ever wrong with me at those places.
But all SORTS of stuff could happen at the doctor’s office. And I really don’t believe he can tell me anything I want to know or anything that’s helpful. I’d rather just quietly die of whatever unknown diseases are currently taking hold of me than have to worry about actually treating them. I’d rather think I’m totally fine and then keel over suddenly, and the only way to do that is to continue avoiding the doctor for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately, Kamran is nothing if not supremely manipulative. So when I refused to make an appointment for the 400th time, he announced that he wouldn’t be making any fancy dinner reservations for us until I did. So I said, “Oh, well.”
Then he started saying, “I really feel like going to Degustation for a tasting menu. I wish you’d make an appointment so we could go.” So I said, “I mean . . . I wish I could do that for you, but . . .”
Then he started saying, “I’m going to make a reservation at Eleven Madison Park, and I’m going to go by myself.” Now that we’ve been to Per Se, EMP is my new end-all-be-all of restaurants. So obviously I had to suck it up and go.
Thanks to my friend Ash and her husband, I ended up having a totally non-scary experience that didn’t involve any weird touching but plenty of peeing. Of course, my test results don’t come in for a few days, so that’s when the real fun begins.
And by “fun”, I of course mean “chemo”.
20 Comments
Have you not had your ladybits checked out? You NEED to have your ladybits checked out!!!!
Sorry, sorry, I didn’t know if the Internet was ready for me to discuss my ladybits. But yes, I go to see my ladydoctor every single year, even though I absolutely hate it and totally dread it for the weeks leading up to it. And truthfully, I wouldn’t ever go if I didn’t need my nobabydrugs.
That is totally fair.
I’m generally bad about going to the doctor, but I blame that on growing up without health insurance. Unless I am straight-up not getting better, I don’t even consider going.
And, hey, the last time I went to the doctor, I found out I have to have an organ removed. (But better when I still have my awesome health insurance!) So maybe there’s something to your fear.
LOL!!!
Girl, you are so funny – and by that I of course mean “just like me.”
I don’t have any desire to visit the doctor unless absolutely necessary. Part of this stems from having a freak disease, part from past flukes (lumps that come & go, abnormal whatevers that freak me out to great lengths, then go back to normal, etc)
So glad your visit was successful and you can now eat at the trough of freedom once more. Here’s to foodie fun (and my living vicariously through you)
Amen.
Exactly! I feel like I’ll KNOW if something’s wrong, and if it’s bothering me, I’ll take care of it. And if it’s not bothering me, I’ll just let it continue until it eventually kills me. No biggie. But he seems to think I should want to take care of my ailments so I can stick around and spend time with the man I love.
Oh I am the same way. I have to be on death’s door to drag my butt to the doctor. Outside of the whole birthing thing, I can’t remember the last time I went to a medical doctor.
Also, I think it’s funny that your boyfriend can manipulate you into going through food. Glad Mark hasn’t figured that out yet.
Babies, birth control, and contacts are just clever inventions designed only to get stubborn girls to see doctors. Thank god I’ve never worked anywhere that required a doctor’s note for a sick day.
I wonder when Mark will start using the “don’t you want to live to see our daughter grow up?” guilt trip on you. It has to be coming soon.
If I didn’t work with them, I’d be with you. BUT they see me all the dang time…so I’m stuck.
See, it might actually be better for me to be around them all of the time. Then I could just be like, “Hey, draw my blood real quick,” without having to deal with all of the undressing and the knee-tapping and the ear-peering-in rigmarole. Luckyyyyyy.
DUDE! I hate any/all medical appointment… stuff.
Doctor = Awful.
Dentist = Awful.
Even the eye doctor has that weird, puff-o-air in the eyeball glaucoma test thing (which I hate like crazy). Not fun. Any of them. At all. But at least they are all cheap.
:)
Cheap until there’s something wrong with you! Which is why you should never go find out that something’s wrong with you. I don’t mind the puff, but I really hate having to sit there not blinking while he shoves whatever instrument in under my eyelids. Freaky.
Yeah… I should have used my sarcasm font on that one.
You should see the bills that I have seen… it’s a scary sight to behold! :)
This is what happens without a free national health service. People feel happy to have their teeth and eyes checked but nothing else.
NO JOKE! I have what I think is pretty rad healthcare, but even so, I kind of freaked out last night when I realized that I’d just said yes to every test they wanted to run yesterday without asking if all of it was covered.
One eye exam, two dental exams, one physical, and one gynecologist exam are free for me per year. But after that, it’s $20 just to set foot in the doctor’s office, and I don’t even want to know how much actual procedures would cost me.
It’s a scary, scary place to live. And it’s even scarier that SO MANY PEOPLE are still anti- universal healthcare.
“Ladybits” would make a great all-female punk band name.
When the dentist asks me to spit, I bring one up from my toes and ask him where he wants it.
He never lets me show him how far away I can be and still get it in the little bowl.
There is no spitting at my dentist’s office. He has a machine that sucks it out of your mouth. It kinda freaks me out.
But I usually make my appointment during Saved by the Bell reruns, so it works out. Plus, I’m obsessed with that super clean feeling you get after a professional cleaning.
Can we talk about the eye doctor’s horrifying puff tests? And how absolutely anxiety-inducing it is to have a machine puff into your eyeball!?
Nope. Hate it.
I’m kind of the opposite these days and not happy about it. I schedule each week around my doc appointments. I really am starting to feel like it’s a bit ridiculous. Counseling is actually helping, so I’ll keep that one, but the others feel like a downward spiral. It all started w/an ER visit for a mother migraine like I’ve never had before and turned into this crazy list of docs I had to see, and it seemed like every time I went, they figured out something else I needed to get tested or treated for. Blech. I’m sick of doctors! (And, yes, the bills are a-pilin’!)
Oh God. Now I’m worried that my favorite blogger is dying of some rare and incurable illness. I just hope I don’t start Googling.
You KNOW how neurotic I am.
I used to hate going to the doctor. then I had two babies and I had to get over it. I swear that I’ve been to more appointments in the past 5 years than I have in my entire life. Twice over.