I’ve never worn a bikini. I burst forth from my mother’s womb at 145 pounds, already wearing footie pajamas to hide my shame, so my beach attire has always included one-pieces and t-shirts. Well, my friends and I are soon going back to the Hamptons beach house we rented last year, and I’ve been actively searching again for the perfect swimsuit after last year’s tankini disaster at Laguna Beach.
I think I finally did find a suit that I’ll like, but more importantly, I was reminded that everyone else likes the wrong suit. For reference, here is the only person who should be wearing a bikini:
I don’t mean to be anti-feminist here, but seriously, if you don’t look like that, why are you wearing one?
Do you just looooove the way the water feels on your stomach? Hey, guess what; water actually soaks through swimsuits right to your skin!
Were you hoping for some awesome bikini tan lines? TAN LINES ARE NOT SEXY.
I imagine you’re not doing it to show off your love handles or the fact that no amount of padding will give you sideboobs.
And I kind of doubt you want people noticing that your midsection’s shaped less like an hourglass and more like one of those fat pencils we used to use in kindergarten.
You know what hides love handles, weird foam padding, and your giant potbelly that sort of reminds one of a poisonous growth on a treetrunk?
ONE-PIECES! For me, even models look better in them:
I guess I’d just rather see less and imagine perfection than to be assaulted by how imperfect everything is. And don’t try to tell me that imperfections are beautiful, you bikini-wearing sap.
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Are you implying that… that… I don’t look nice in my bikini?! Well… that is almost too much to take! I’m shocked, I’m hurt, I’m… oh, it’s just too painful!
:)
what did you end up with?
You know, even when I was the tiniest ever in my life, I had a pooch (from bc pills, started at 14), but I’ve worn bikinis most of my life (even on my honeymoon, at age 30), and I think I will again – they’re just more comfortable to me – I actually like the direct water feeling. *shrug* I guess I’m one of those people you’d hate that wears them when I should be doing the onesie thing. Eh, I’m not ashamed. Everybody else can turn their heads, including YOU, Ms. Ett! :)
I used to be terrified of wearing a bikini. And then I stopped caring. I am conscious enough not to wear one that causes spillage (really, why are people so afraid to go up a size? Better than a muffin top, yo!), but, really, I like the sun being able to reach as much of me as possible during the few months of the year I can get away with it in Chicago. Besides, my beach is covered in shiny, greased up gay dudes in speedos – believe me, they’re not checking ME out. (But they have come up and asked David for some sunscreen before! David gets all the gays…)
I have to disagree! For the longest time, having a very unmodel-like body, I thought, like you suggest, that I needed to wear a one-piece. Then at some point in my 20s I decided to try out a bikini for giggles and realized that it worked way better on my weird pear-shaped body. So, for the sake of my fellow pears, I must argue for an embrace of the bikini, even with a less-than-perfect figure (model girl is quite airbrushed, afterall)!
That model (the bikini example) is Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who is from Tavistock, Devon (in the UK)… the teensy town where I used to buy all my groceries when I lived on Dartmoor. Several of my coworkers went to high school with her. She was apparently nice and not particularly interesting. Some of them are still good enough friends to have her on their phones and stuff.
So it wasn’t JUST sheep and cliffs, I guess…
Also, I have a really hard to fit torso. I stand a slightly (slightly) better chance of finding a swimsuit that fits if I buy a two-piece.
I thought by the title that this post was dedicated to me. I was kind of relieved that it wasn’t. Can you tell I’m dealing with some post-caesarean guilt these days?
Even if I did have that body, they don’t make bikini bottoms that cover your ass, and I don’t want to spend all day at the beach picking my suit out of my bum.
Besides, retro one-pieces are soooooooooo much cuter.
I went back and read your tankini nightmare, which I must say – sounds strikingly similar to some swim sessions I have had. I also have worn underpants as a bikini bottom (technically tankini) because they are so much more comfortable. I also sometimes wear bralette tanks instead of swimsuit tops for the same reason. No one notices, and if they do eff em. I am there to get my swim on, not provide eye candy for a bunch of tossers. Hope you have an awesome time at the beach!!
I love you. Yes to all of this.
Have you ever worn JCrew’s suits? Their motto this season is “ruching is your friend” and they’ve got some really cute one-pieces for under $100. I got one and thoroughly enjoy prancing around pretending to be a pin-up girl rather than acknowledging that it really just means I’m too fat for my bikinis this year.
I’m with you. People always complain about their post-pregnancy bodies, but I figured I really didn’t have much to lose going into it. After all, I’ve never ever been one to bear my mid section.
I love that one piece! Too bad my boobs would never look that awesome in it. I’m with Lisa, retro one pieces, ftw!
Where’d you find that second suit? I want to order it RIGHT NOW please.
Also, I agree. I don’t wear bikinis in public. Haven’t since I lost my gymnast’s body.
It’s Victoria’s Secret, Andrea.
This is exactly why I have not worn a bikini since I had my kid. I didn’t have a c-section, but I have a pretty massive patch of stretch marks.
I did find a pretty smoking one-piece last year, though, so I suppose I don’t have much to complain about.
Airbrushed! They’re all airbrushed!
That’s all.