Donut Hole Babies

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, narcissism, why i'm better than everyone else

I spotted this picture on a Tumblr the other day, and it made me sad, because when one of my friends had a baby, I sent her this same pacifier as a gift:

I thought it was hilarious and pretty much made me the coolest fake auntie ever, but I’ve never seen it in the many times I’ve visited her since, and I’ve especially never seen it actually in the baby’s mouth. Her other kid does use the ice cream cone lamp my best friend, Tracey, and I got her. But still.

I should probably have kids just to buy them cool stuff. And I should especially have them with Kamran, because then they’d turn out looking like little donut holes:

25 Comments

  1. ells says:

    squeeeee!

    (Oof. Sorry about that. I’m starting to become one of those crazy people. I had a dream about having a baby last night. She had a scab on her face AND I LIKED HER ANYWAY. I’m scared.)

    • Baby face weirdness is always so . . . I don’t know . . . intriguing? I forget whose pictures I was looking at the other day–hopefully no one who reads this blog–and his or her baby had this serious red birthmark-looking line on its forehead, and I was wondering if it was temporary and if it was something the parents had done and if the parents were totally embarrassed by it. Obviously not embarrassed enough to not post 300 pictures of it.

      But anyway, this is clearly a sign that you’re not meant to have children. You’ll end up driving them into a lake in your van or something because you love them too much to watch them grow up.

      • ells says:

        Whoa. Infanticide fortune-telling!

        I’m pretty sure you just cursed me. When terrible things happen to my future blue-eyed children, I’mma come find YOU and drive you into a lake in my van.

        • I wish I’d been paying attention for the last month while Kamran’s been jabbering about the law nonstop while studying for the bar so I could tell you if my family’s lawyer will be using this statement against you in a court of law in my future wrongful death suit.

  2. Anonymous says:

    That is one scary-looking baby (the paci one, not the donut hole one). :)

  3. anne says:

    I am having a baby in March, and would love this pacifier. I would also take lots of pics and send them to you to prove how much my baby would wear it. Seriously.

    • You ARE?! Are you not posting about it on Facebook every day, because I swear you’re one of the people in my status-updates-I-actually-care-about group. Crazy!

      If you send me your address, I will totally send you that pacifier. Or a much, much worse one.

  4. Jessica says:

    Awesome. Especially that lamp. I think I need it for the nursery.

  5. Tessa says:

    If you haven’t seen a DIFFERENT pacifier in use, it could be that mom and/or dad is simply anti-pacifier. Not uncommon, right?

    • No one in Ohio is anti-pacifier, I’m pretty sure. More like pro-put-baby-in-the-doghouse-if-she’s-crying-too-loudly.

      j/k, Ohio!

      But yeah, she does use other pacifiers, so the absence of mine is peculiar. She saw this (oops!) and commented on Facebook that there’s a story behind why I haven’t seen it in Evelyn’s mouth, so I’m intrigued.

  6. Between you and Kamran, you guys would have the next Gerber Baby. With your genetics, you can’t lose. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE OF BOTH OF YOU!

    There are some people in the world who should be legally obligated to procreate. That’s all I’m saying.

    • That Gerber baby is pretty effin’ cute, huh? I just Googled to make sure.

      I do think it’d be a real shame for the world to lose Kamran’s smarts/humor/eyelashes/butt (for real) and my genius for baby names. If you and Guy find out you can’t make one of your own for whatever reason, give me a call.

  7. Sandy says:

    That doesn’t make you the best auntie in the world, it makes you a giant hillbilly. I hate those things almost as much as I hate 2-piece swimsuits for girls under 13 and t-shirts, wall-hangings, tote-bags, or anything else that says “Princess,” “Brat,” “Diva,” or “Mahdysennh.”

  8. Dishy says:

    The pacifier is a trip. It reminds me of these fake hillbilly teeth my sister and I got out of a vending machine in Virginia. We kept putting them in and laughed so hard we nearly cried. Then my husband rightly reminded me that many people have teeth like that and cannot help it and I felt so bad I nearly cried. Good times.

    I concur, you & Kamran would have the cutest baby ever. I am picturing lots of gorgeous dark curls and chubby cheeks you want to chew on.

    • If it makes you feel better, I once commented on a friend’s locked LiveJournal post and said her sister-in-law’s teeth were so bad it looked like she was from Molvania. And of course her sister-in-law was one of her LiveJournal friends and was able to read the post and replied to me, “Just because my parents couldnt afford to send me to the orthodontist…It’s reasons like this why I never smiled for pictures for many years!” FAIL! Fail times 100!

      But really, if those teeth were being sold in Virginia, the hillbillies were practically begging you to make fun of them.

      Also, “cheeks you want to chew on”?! I know exactly what you mean, but I’m still so scared.

      • Dishy says:

        Just you wait, sister. You’re gonna have a baby and pretty soon you’ll understand JUST WHAT I MEAN. Bwhahahahaha!!

        Kidding.

        My daughters though – both came out looking like scrawny old men. As soon as I started feeding them, they plumped RIGHT UP! Soon they were sporting these chubster thunder thighs, all I wanted to do was gnaw on one. Weird, YES. But true!

  9. Tracey says:

    I remember the pacifier you got her being more vampire-y. Or was that just one you were looking at?

    • Oh, um, maybe it was. Maybe I decided on the vampire one because the hick one hit too close to home. Either way, could you not come in here and taunt me with your superior memory?