Not Even My Mom Ever Looked This Middle-Aged

Filed under narcissism

Yesterday afternoon, I looked like this:

Like a baby bunny, right? A baby bunny who has to turn her head to the left or right to see you out of the two little holes she’s made in the curtain of curls that hangs down to her nose and refuses to be swept aside or pinned back.

Annoying.

So, last night, I went to see my stylist, whom I only started going to because she works at the same place where Felicity got her hair cut. And also because she charges $20 when I’m pretty sure you can’t get a haircut elsewhere here for less than four times that much. Or maybe ten times that much. I’m sure a real woman of the city like Jill could tell you.

Anyway, she lopped a little off as requested and then asked if she should blowdry it. I thought that meant use a blowdryer on it simply to keep me from catching a cold, but it actually meant blowdry it straight like probably every other woman who walks in there requests.

And you know what? It actually felt kind of nice not to have to worry about which curl was sticking up where and which curl had wrapped itself around which other curl to give me the appearance of a DNA model kit. But it felt awful to

LOOK LIKE THE MIDDLE-AGEST, MIDWESTERNEST WOMAN EVER!

I asked Kamran if he was going to knock boots with me before bed, and he said it’d be too much like gettin’ busy with his mom.

20 Comments

  1. ells says:

    oh holy hell never do that to your hair again

    • I’m glad you understand. Anyone I tell about this is all, “Why did you wash your hair?! Straight hair is so wonderful and normal and feminine!”

      But no! It was awful. And not in the way that Taco Bell is awful but in the way that Walmart is awful.

      • Serial says:

        I just came back to look at this, I think to double check that it’s as awful as I thought. It’s amazing.

        And I’m a straightener. So it’s not an anti-straight bias. Just … wow.

  2. meredith says:

    Yeah, whoa! I can only imagine if you were to drag a backpack on wheels around or drive a minivan in that haircut. Keep your stylist’s number at the ready for next Halloween, but I miss those baby bunny curls.

  3. Sandy says:

    Jesus Christ. I was all, did I wander into one of my much-loved Christian mommy blogs? BTW, you have my old blog linked over there on the right.

  4. Sarah K says:

    You look so much more like your sister with the straight hair. I don’t think she looks middle aged though!

  5. Alison says:

    At least you got a decent cut. The one time I went into Astor Place ended in the most tragic, most lopsided, most I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB HACKING AWAY AT THIS MYSELF haircut ever. It was so bad that the girl who cut my roommate’s hair saw me, stopped me, sat me down, and fixed it for free. Yup.

  6. Cristy says:

    Let the curls fly, sista! They’re begging to be free! :)

  7. Jessica says:

    I love the curls. In fact, I think you have the same hair as my husband. And I’ve never seen a child born to his family without that hair. I may be calling you in about a year or so on how to handle my daughter’s hair.

    But yes, stick to the curls. They suit you.

  8. chris says:

    four words:
    kid.on.a.leash.

  9. Tracey says:

    It’s not so much the straightness of the hair that’s so bad there, but the the way it’s curled under or something. The curls win, of course, but you could totally rock a stick straight look if you wanted to.

    Actually, speaking of your mom, I would LOVE it if you started wearing your hair super long, straight, half-up/half-down, and full of (hot-rolled?) curls like she used to wear it to school every day. You’d look much more adorably Midwestern.

  10. Your hair is aces in the first picture.

    Not so much in the second. But I agree with Tracey – I think it’s the fact that it’s parted on the side and curled under.

  11. caropal says:

    This post makes me sad because my hair looks like that frequently, without any help from me whatsoever.

  12. shawn says:

    aww, you just got the bad end of the blow dry! I think if she hadnt rolled your ends under it wouldnt come across so midlife crisis meets “Barb the counselor”. Straight with some sharp edged bangs wouldve probably made your eyes pop even more!

  13. spaghedeity says:

    i actually love it. you look like a history teacher.

  14. Kinard says:

    Ohio. Personified.

  15. Julie says:

    Oh, wow…that’s not right. I was thinking of buying a flat iron, but now I’m not so sure…