My friend Jack (of infamous snarky comment fame) bought a shiny, new, two-bedroom condo in Downtown Brooklyn on Friday, and after four holy-crap-how-did-I-end-up-here? years in Williamsburg, I’m going to take his second bedroom until he finds a wife or buys a human-sized dog and kicks me out.
You cannot decorate your condo in tree wallpaper and expect me to resist.
The perks are numerous:
• I’ll be a short walk from THIRTEEN subway lines. I’m pretty sure that’s the most you can find anywhere, even in Manhattan. In the station of the one I’ll use the most, the black paint on the ceiling is peeling off and looks like blackbirds swirling above the trains. I will no doubt die of asbestos poisoning before the year is out.
• I’ll be one stop away from work, which is here.
• I won’t have to transfer anywhere to get to Kamran, who’s here.
• I’ll have MY OWN BATHROOM. Which will be marked with the women sign I found buried in my closet while I was packing. Jack doesn’t know this yet.
• Our appliances won’t be mustard yellow, and they’ll include a dishwasher, which I haven’t seen since 2005. Jack already has a system planned for telling whether the dishes in it are dirty or clean that is slightly more reasonable than my usual system of licking them and seeing if any flavor comes off.
• I’ll be in the middle of chain restaurant heaven–including an Applebee’s–so I won’t need to pretend to visit my family in Ohio just to get access to boneless buffalo wings. They’re also building a new Shake Shack on our walk from the subway to the apartment, which means I will literally never use the kitchen in this place.
• If I would need to eat real food for any reason, my local grocery stores will include a Trader Joe’s and a market with a Michelin-starred restaurant inside (what?).
• I’ll be in a building with roof access, a garden with a sunroom, a gym, and a laundry room. Which means I’ll have no excuse to be pale, fat, and smelly anymore. On second thought, I’m not moving.
Even if you discount all of that, I’m just excited to live with someone whose actions I can anticipate. My roommate of four years is the best when it comes to being quiet while I sleep, not having a live-in girlfriend, and buying toilet paper, but if you’re looking for someone who answers texts, goes out to dinner with you, or doesn’t actively avoid leaving his bedroom for days when your best friend visits from Ohio, he’s not your guy.
There’s a good chance Jack will play StarCraft with our other friends every night until 3 a.m., but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
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“my usual system of licking them and seeing if any flavor comes off.” – Why would you want to change this system? It is awesome.
“I’ll be in a building with roof access, a garden with a sunroom, a gym, and a laundry room” – I WANT. TO GO. TO THERE.
Jack kisses his cats way too often for me to be comfortable licking anything his fork has touched. Of course, I’m talking to someone who loves her dog just slightly more than her husband, so I’m sure you don’t understand.
You’re invited! So far, we have a couch, a chair, a TV that doesn’t work yet, and a refrigerator with ice in it but nothing else. PARTY TIME!
Yay! I can bring the booze. Toasted almond? :)
I was thinking 4-6 bottles of Johnny Blue, but I’m not picky.
I hate you.
I mean, except for the living in NY part. If you could lift up that apartment building and place it in Boston, then I’d actually hate you. But then again, I wouldn’t hate you because you would live in my city and we could play.
“Play”, eh? My interest is decidedly piqued.
Now you can come and stay with me when Alison leaves! Because my other roommate would not have been able to handle you, obviously.
While I’m not at all jealous of your cramped living quarters, I am extremely jealous of this:
“If I would need to eat real food for any reason, my local grocery stores will include a Trader Joe’s and a market with a Michelin-starred restaurant inside.”
I think the trade off is worth it.
“Cramped living quarters”?! But I have space to walk around on both sides of my bed! And you can both be in my bathroom AND close the door at the same time! And there’s an actual living room and not just a hallway with a TV mounted on the wall!
This doesn’t impress you?
I, for one, never EVER tire of reading about NYC apartments.
And that tree wallpaper is killer. In the words of Annie, I think you’re gonna like it here. Well, there. You know. Whatever.
OH YES I DID. I JUST QUOTED ANNIE.
You know, I realized that I don’t tire of reading about NYC apartments, either, when Kim started writing about her hunt and I freakin’ ate it up. I wonder what the sick fascination is. It has to be that carwreck syndrome kicking in, right? Because NYC apartments really are carwrecks.
The “dumb dog” song often gets stuck in my head these days, if it makes you feel better.
Also, Jack sent me this video yesterday during a discussion about blinds versus curtains, and I swear that woman could be your sister.
congrats on the move!!!! you are now in my old stompin grounds. here are my favorite places for takeout (in no particular order): joya(thai), bombay dreams(indian), lychee nut (chinese food im certain is not cat), chuang hing (chinese food that may be cat but is cheap and delicious), super taco (cheap mexican). and lastly- GO TO SAHADIS. it is heaven inside.
Hey, thanks! Very helpful. Especially the cat and not-cat suggestions, depending on my particular craving for family pet or not.
I think someone else mentioned Sahadi’s to me a couple of months ago when I first started talking about moving. I wonder if they have Persian cotton candy for my boyfriend. Not that he actually likes it. But just the idea of being able to get it . . .
That’s StarCraft 2, get it right!
(was that snarky enough?)
Hey, you’re lucky I actually cared enough to look it up to get that capital C in there. If it was up to me, it’d be all DDR, all the time.
As long as I have a swank place to stay when I come visit you. Or, say that I’m visiting you while actually coming to NYC to ride constantly in minivan taxicabs in an effort to get on Cash Cab.
I think the only reason Jack wanted me to live with him is that he knew I was bringing an air mattress with me.
I would recommend that you try to memorize that particular minivan taxicab’s number before coming out here, but your way would be much more fun.
Apparently Cash Cab is rigged – the contestants are pre-screened. (It has to be true – I learned it on TMZ!) I was horribly disappointed when I found this out.
Note to self: turn down all dinner invitations to Katie’s house, unless I bring my own china.
Sounds wonderful, Katie! I will pass the china warning to all of the Ohio relatives who may come to visit. Is Jack ready for us?
Jack e-mailed me a screenshot of your comment last night with the subject line, “Okay, now I’m scared.”
I promised to spread lots of lies at Thanksgiving dinner about how he uses the kitchen sink as a urinal and refuses to wear pants after noon so you guys will be too afraid to visit.
“They’re also building a new Shake Shack on our walk from the subway to the apartment, which means I will literally never use the kitchen in this place.”
If there was some awesome FedEx box that allowed you to send burgers and fries still crisp and fresh overseas, I would have to ask you to overnight a ShackBurger to me. You could just put it on the company FedEx account. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.
I don’t know whether to congratulate you or send your parents a mourning wreath. You sure you’re still breathing?
CONGRATS! SERIOUSLY.
So happy for you. This is awesome:
“Which means I’ll have no excuse to be pale, fat, and smelly anymore. On second thought, I’m not moving.”
Congrats on the new place :)
If you should ever venture to Ontario – I would love to host you! I’m sure you find my house fairly boring and suburban but I do have a dishwasher and i know when they dishes are clean or dirty without licking them (mostly because i’m usually the one who loads it”.
E