Terror on the Elevator

Filed under living in new york sucks so hard

I always get a little freaked out when I get into an elevator and push the button for my floor, and then someone else gets on after me and doesn’t push a button. I wonder, “Does he really need to go to my floor, or is he going to follow me to my apartment, tie me up in the bathtub, and drip acid on my naked body for nine hours?”

It happened yesterday as I was going to Kamran’s apartment after work. I stepped in, pushed the button for my floor, smiled politely at the man who came in after me, and then glared at him menacingly when he didn’t push anything. In my mind. I pictured myself jabbing my keys into his eyes if he came too close, snapping my compact mirror around his balls if he stopped near Kamran’s door.

But just before the elevator doors closed, an extremely hot girl walked in and pushed the button for a floor two below Kamran’s. She was taller than I am, thinner than I am, wearing fewer clothes than I was, and had a less butch haircut than I do. She was chatting obnoxiously on her cellphone, and when the elevator stopped at her floor, she didn’t even notice that the guy followed her off instead.

And I cheated death another day.


  1. Sandy says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA. She’s dead now. OR, that guy’s missing his balls, thanks to a compact.

  2. mwa ha ha! you’re terrible! i thought i was the only person who plotted her death through various means 8,032 times a day. life is DANGEROUS!

    i look for people under my car in the parking lot, in the closet in my foyer, behind my office door–you know, all those killer hiding spots.

    glad you lived to see another day.

    • I’m so glad not to own a car anymore just so I don’t have to look underneath it every time I get in. Now that I only drive a few times a year, it makes me just that much more paranoid.

      The word foyer alone sounds ominous, so I don’t blame you for that one, either.

  3. Tracey says:

    The non-button pusher is one of those situations where I’m oddly confrontational. I always ask, “What floor do you need?” in a fake-nice, I’ll-push-the-button-for-you kind of way, making the creepy guy admit up front if he’s planning anything. The tension of not asking makes for a really great story, though.

  4. Cristy says:

    Was he obviously with the other girl or did he really just follow her off? That is really creepy.

    I picture the moves I’m going to do when in a potentially dangerous situation, too. My keys always play a big part in this fantasy, and popping eyeballs. Fun stuff women think about all the time. What a shame we have to!

    • He was pretty obviously NOT with her. I’m hoping that he just forgot to push a button at all, and then when he realized he’d forgotten to, he saw that she’d already happened to push the one he needed. Who knows.

      Seriously, though, I wonder if men ever think about things like we do.

  5. thickcrust says:

    You should have followed both of them out!

  6. Mike Lowrey says:

    Please tell me you got a picture of this hot chick!

    I mean seriously; you take 8 million pics of a dessert you ate last week but no pics of this obviously smoking azz chick!!

    You disappoint me so much.

    And Thickcrust is right. 2 is cool, but 3 is a party!

    • It sometimes amazes me how differently men’s and women’s brains work. I thought about this for a second and realized I’d much, much rather look at good pictures of desserts than hot men.

  7. Julie says:

    LOL! What fantastic luck you have!