Monthly Archives: September 2009

You Don’t Even Want to Know the Nicknames We Used to Wish Each Other a Happy Anniversary This Morning

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 14, 2009 – 12:40 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession
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Today marks the third anniversary of the day Kamran and I met at S’MAC in the East Village for macaroni, cheese, and a first date for the ages. I wore a black hoodie and old jeans because I thought I wasn’t going to care to impress him, and he said things like, “I spent the past six years living in New Jersey,” when he meant, “I spent the past six years earning my PH.D. FROM PRINCETON.” Afterward, he charmed the pants off of me (not literally) by taking me for drinks at a bar with red velvet furniture and telling me all about his guilty pleasure bands.

As we parted at the train station later, he said, “I’ll call you,” and I said, “Thanks for taking me out,” and he said, “The pleasure was mine,” which seemed really slick and grown-up at the time but would later turn out to be something he says on a daily basis. I gave him a hug to signal that he had my permission to run the hell away and never call me again, but he said, “I’m still going to wait until your train comes.” I said, “But we’ve already said goodbye! Now we’re gonna be all awkward.” He asked, “What’s better than two goodbyes?”, and I said, “No goodbyes.” Sexy!

Most days feel just as exciting as that first one did, and the days that don’t feel exciting still feel full of a deep, understanding love that I couldn’t even imagine until I met him but now probably take for granted because it feels like such a part of me. Even after three years, it still seems like our time together has just begun, and I hope that we end up just like the eternal embrace skeletons.

Even if it’s just because we strangled each other to death.

A Post Basically Posted for the Sake of Fast Food

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 9, 2009 – 7:04 pm
Filed under no i really do love ohio
Tagged as

Here’s a hugely long rundown of my trip to visit the fam in Ohio, which is actually very brief if you consider everything I did:

Wednesday: My best friend, Tracey picked me up at the airport at 10 p.m. after my first on-time flight all year. After a stop at McDonald’s (YES!), we went back to her apartment to watch all of the reality TV on her DVR until, you know, 5 a.m.

Thursday: We woke up just in time to get lunch at Dairy Queen (YES!), where I sang along with every country song I remembered from my childhood growin’ up on the farm. We went shopping at Walmart (YES!) for Tracey’s parents and spent some time at their house in our hometown, using phrases like “this milk smells blinky” and admiring their new window trim. After picking up dinner at Arby’s (YES!), we visited Tracey’s friend Kim to admire her new house and watch “Project Runway” before our tradition of going to Ladies 80s at a local bar. We danced until 2 a.m., sat on the patio and reminisced about high school until 3 a.m., and then let the gays hump us until 4 a.m., at which time the place closed, and we had to go to Steak’n’Shake (YES!).

Friday: We woke up moments before noon and decided to see Julie & Julia at 12:50. I was desperate for Wendy’s new boneless buffalo wings and a Twisted Frosty, so we rushed inside and used our fatty skills to scarf down our food in mere moments. After the movie, Tracey drove me twenty whole minutes from her apartment to my parents’ house, where we saw my stepsister’s new Mastiff puppy, because she lives two houses away from my parents with her boyfriend and his 11-year-old twin girls. And who lives in the house in between? One of my stepbrothers, his wife, and their new baby. How country is that? My parents took us to Bob Evans (YES!) for dinner, and then Tracey and I went to a deck party at our high school friend Katie’s house. That’s right; they had a party for their new deck. We left at midnight and went to Momo2, an Asian hangout with karaoke, bowling, a lounge, snacks, and smoothies. We got a private karaoke room for two and literally sang everything we knew from the song book. The cashier had told us they might close before 3 a.m. if it was dead and joked that he wouldn’t forget about us, but at 3:06, we left our room and found all the lights in the place on, everything shut down, and our cashier with a very surprised look on his face.

Saturday: We had Dairy Queen again for lunch, because we think it’s hot to order frozen hot chocolate: not only is it not on the menu, but it seems to only be available in Ohio. Tracey drove me to my parents’ house in the afternoon for my dad’s birthday celebration, which involved homemade carrot cake courtesy of my stepmom and homemade ice cream courtesy of my dad. My sister came up from Kentucky, and we spent the night watching television shows about kidnapping, because there’s nothing else to do in the country.

Sunday: I went to church with my parents and sister, where we saw my crazy great-aunt Dorothy. Before I told her anything about my plans for the day, she said, “It’s a shame you can’t come over this afternoon–say about 1:30 or 2–because your cousins are going to be there.” I just nodded like, “Yeah, it’s a real shame.” But then at the end of the service, she told my sister and me that she’d see us another day, and my sister said, “Or maybe today!” So then she got all overly-excited and kept saying, “Okay, see you later today! You can come over any time! I’ll see you today! Oh, girls! I’ll see you later!” Godloveher. That night, Tracey and her husband picked me up at home and took me to Olive Garden (YES YES!), which exists in NYC but feels icky and touristy here. We went back to Tracey and Dan’s and watched the end of “Lost” season 5, which means I’m officially caught up with the series OMG.

Monday: We met our friend Katie for lunch at Wendy’s with her husband and baby and learned that adult conversation ceases once a baby exists, but it’s an awfully cute baby. Tracey and I spent the afternoon watching Adventureland, which was just as good the second time and is seriously a great movie–absolutely in my top ten–and it’s ridiculous that it’s not more popular, although of course I secretly enjoy that it’s not. I went home for dinner with my parents, which was supposed to be at a local pizza place we love but ended up being at O’Charley’s (YES!). My parents and I spent the entire meal fighting about public healthcare, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and whether or not there’s an impending civil war. My stepmom brought up death panels, I snapped at her for believing that nonsense, and she said she’s glad I’m not the one taking care of her when she’s old. It was a great way for us to end my time at home together, obviously. They dropped me off at Tracey’s, and she and I spent the next two hours talking about politics, inheritances, and how parental sickness really tears siblings apart. We finished the conversation while getting ice cream at our favourite place, Graeter’s, and then went back to her apartment to watch Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, which suuuuuucked just like I thought it would, and Welcome to the Dollhouse, which didn’t.

Tuesday: Tracey took me to Dairy Queen one last time before dropping me off at the airport. Coming back to the city no longer feels weird to me, but going home feels just as good.

Why does a well-tied tie only earn respect for men?

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 4, 2009 – 11:23 am
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am, fun times on the subway
Tagged as ,

My friend Chantee instant messaged me Wednesday morning about a fondling she received at the Hoyt-Schermerhorn subway station that night on her way home. We had been bowling with friends at Port Authority until well into the night, and Chantee is a classy lady, so she had worn a white button-down shirt with a grey patterned tie and was lookin’ good.

She took the A train to Hoyt-Schermerhorn after we finished our last incredibly low-scoring game, and as she was waiting for the G, an MTA night worker strolled by her on the platform and said, “Hey, beautiful.” Now, Chantee is a lovely lady with assets that are taken note of on an hourly–no, secondly–basis, so this sort of thing is old hat for her. She smiled politely and kept watching for the train, thinking that she hadn’t inadvertently issued any invitations for rape. She was wrong.

Read the rest here.

I Never Thought I’d End Up Here, Either

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 3, 2009 – 11:37 am
Filed under jobby jobby job job, potty mouth
Tagged as ,

There’s a very sweet woman who cleans our bathroom at work. She’s a couple of years older than I am, I imagine, with large eyes and shiny brown hair that grows past her shoulders. She’s fit but curvy, so she looks pretty smokin’ in the white shirtdress that serves as her uniform.

For some reason, we always end up in the bathroom at the same time in the mornings. She rolls a little cart full of toilet paper, seat covers, and paper towels in and goes about refilling each stall. I always say hello to her, and she always smiles and says hello back with a bit of a European accent. I always think about how she was probably a teacher or a surgeon back home, but I’d never talked to her enough to ask her.

I was waiting for the elevator with two other women from the floor at noon yesterday, though, and when the doors opened, she was standing inside in a colorful striped shirt and dress pants. I said, “Done already?”, and she said, “Oh, no, just going for lunch. I change clothes, though, because I hate my uniform.” She paused and added, “I hate my job.”

I said, “I love your uniform! It’s really adorable, actually.” She said thanks, and then, out of nowhere, she said, “This is the only job I can get. In my country, I got a degree to be a physician’s assistant, but it doesn’t matter here.” I asked where she’s from, and she said Albania. I said, “You hear that a lot here. People who speak multiple languages and are obviously intelligent had jobs they loved overseas but can’t get work here.” One of the girls with me said, “I’ve met more doctor cab drivers . . .”

We all bid each other good day as we began to part ways in the lobby, and I wanted to say something like, “Umm . . . you’re really great at your job, if that helps.” But then I remembered that this is the girl who has to put a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom stall I’ve just pooped in, and nothing I can say is going to comfort her.

Latez

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 2, 2009 – 9:18 am
Filed under no i really do love ohio
Tagged as

I’m leaving for Ohio tonight for an entire week of chain restaurant dining without guilt, Harmony Korine marathons (we’ve only ever seen Kids and Gummo OMG), and . . . okay, probably nothing else. But Ohio is still totally fun, I swear!

I mean, only in Ohio do high school notes between best friends such as this one happen:

Katie: Is he hot or what?
Tracey: His value went up even more when he said “llama”.

And only in Ohio do penny horses operate themselves at Meijer while Tracey and Katie creepily film them:

See you in a week! (And don’t write anything important in your blogs between now and then, thanks.)