Monthly Archives: June 2009

Unjunked

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 3, 2009 – 5:33 pm
Filed under why i'm better than everyone else
Tagged as

When my company decided about a month ago that my boss–the president until we were acquired by a larger company–wasn’t needed any longer, I offered my immense catalog of services to our marketing department. Mostly so I could attend marketing seminars and steal all of the SEO info for my blog but also because I’m a supremely motivated individual. Who didn’t want to lose her job because no one could figure out what she did anymore without the president around.

In this time, the marketing department has allowed me to use my writing skillz to send out a couple of branded e-mails to our customers, inviting them to events and reminding them that the best place to spend money in this time of economic disaster is on luxury software. And in this time, I’ve also found out that bigtime executives who don’t care about my invites and reminders do this fun little thing called unsubscribing.

Which is something I’ve never even considered in my many years of Interneting. I buy all sorts of things online and inadvertently get signed up for every mailing list in existence, but I’ve always figured that’s what junk e-mail addresses are for. The other day, though, I signed into my junk mail address and unsubscribed from all of the mass mailings I get. All of the offers on my favourite underwear from American Eagle, all of the daily temptations from Amazon.com, all of the NRA propaganda my dad signed me up for and laughed about later.

And it feels amazing. I like unsubscribing so much that I’ve started unsubscribing on my work e-mail, too. I’m starting to become one of those super-indignant people who’s like, “Bitch, did I not send you an unsubscribe request yesterday?! GET ME OFF YOUR LIST!” My former life with a spam-filled inbox just seems so childish. I really feel now as if I have the power.

And now I’m off to tell FreshDirect to take their 10% off e-mails and shove them.

Public Bathing is Better Than Public Urination, I Suppose

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 2, 2009 – 10:31 am
Filed under fun times on the subway
Tagged as ,

I’ll admit that it was well after midnight when I spotted this sign in the Union Square train station, but even if my brain had been functioning at normal daytime levels, I’m pretty sure my first thought would’ve been the same.

I imagine there’s some sort of equipment behind the door that can’t get wet, but all I can picture is so many homeless people inexplicably bathing themselves outside of this particular door that the MTA had to put a sign up to discourage it.

(also posted to Examiner)

Minister for Hire

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 1, 2009 – 5:28 pm
Filed under all of my friends are prettier than i am
Tagged as

My friend, co-worker, and neighbor Steven is your typical Brooklyner: unwashed hair, ironic t-shirts, indie rock collection, random facial hair, the works. The only time we won the weekly Pete’s Candy Store Quizz-Off trivia competition, it was because he and his brother were there. You can count on him to show up to every social activity and to make it better with amazing karaoke and drinking skillz. You can also count on him to perform your wedding.

Steven became an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church a while back, but he just recently got his marriage officiant certification and can now join a man and a woman in holy matrimony. He’s unsure if he’s allowed to join a man and a man or a woman and a woman, but he’d certainly be glad to if he finds out it’s okay. As long as they’re in love, he says.

You’d trust this man with the most important day of your life, right?