Saturday night while I was bowling, my best friend Tracey texted me to say, “I’ll be up late if you want to call me when you’re done!” When what she really meant was, “OMG OMG CALL ME NOW YOU STUPID WHORE BECAUSE I’M DYING TO TELL YOU THAT I JUST GOT ENGAGED !!!!!”

So after weeks of badmouthing her boyfriend for spending money on DVDs and flatscreen monitors when he needed to be saving up for a ring, it turned out that he already had the perfect white gold princess cut number and had been saving it for the right moment. That moment was oddly when Tracey was at work in the science museum and no one was around to videotape any of it for best friends and future generations, but we’ll forgive Dan for that based solely on his clever use of a Nintendo DS in his proposal. Because we are nerds.

So please join me in congratulating the smartest, funniest, most generous girl I know and her geekily romantic sweetheart on their engagement.

Why, yes, that is an Applebee’s box that Dan changed to say Applebutts.

And please remind them that all plans should be based on my availability and that I can’t afford to come home for a fifth wedding this year.