Tonight at 8:40, I leave on a plane for Ohio. My plans are as follows:
Tonight: My second-best friend from high school, Mike, his wife, Jessica, and our friend Jonathan will pick me up at the airport at 11 p.m. and take me to Skully’s for Alternative Ladies 80s, where we will meet my first-best friend, Tracey, and dance so hard. She and I will hopefully make out with all of our ex-boyfriends who happen to be there, not tell our current boyfriends, and spend the rest of our lives bound by our secret.
Friday: Tracey and I will wake up early and go shopping for our stupid pregnant friend Katie’s stupid baby shower, even though we both hate the idea of having children and hate Katie for ensuring that all of our conversations with her from now on will be child-centered. Then we will drink smoothies with Tracey’s mom and slop pigs with my dad, because we are from the country.
Friday night: I will go to a rehearsal dinner for my grandmother’s wedding. That’s right. My grandmother’s wedding.
Saturday: I will attend my grandmother’s wedding. I will remind her that my grandfather hasn’t even been dead two years, because his sister (my great-aunt)–who isn’t invited to the wedding because of a long-standing feud between the two of them (awesome!)–still loves him despite the feud, thinks my grandmother is a hussy for remarrying, and will reward me handsomely in her will to tell my grandmother so. I will also remind her that I spent $300 on a plane ticket for the occasion and that she’d better make it up to me in my Christmas present this year. I will gossip about the family with my sister, say for the thousandth time that it’s a shame I don’t get to see my cousins more, and wear shoes that no one will approve of but that everyone expect from me because I live in New York City now.
Saturday night: I will karaoke my little heart out, if someone gets their shit together and figures out the name of that one Japanese restaurant we used to go to in college. I will sing so much Heart and Pat Benatar that feathered bangs will actually come back into style.
Sunday: I will go to my friend-since-birth Katie’s baby shower with Tracey. I will not be happy about it. Not because I hate children but because we’re too damned young for this sort of thing. Now all parties at their house will involve some kid crawling around on the floor, we’ll all have to keep our drinking in check to ensure we don’t step on it, and Katie’s husband will probably become all responsible and upright and stop posing for lewd pictures with me on their pool table. I’m so pumped to see Katie looking all fat, though. And I will make plenty of snide comments about her weight to prove it. (Kidding! Love you, Katie!)
Sunday night: ROCK BAND! GUITAR HERO! SNIFFLING LIKE CRAZY BECAUSE I’M ALLERGIC TO TRACEY’S BOYFRIEND’S CAT, EVEN THOUGH I GREW UP WITH 3 CATS AND HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING IN MY LIFE!
Monday: Hopefully I will eat pizza with ex-boyfriend Todd at the pizza place that only he and I like out of everyone in the entire state of Ohio. I will try not to mention Kamran too much, and he will try not to touch my vagina (but will fail!). And then he will hopefully drop me off at the airport, because my dad has to drive to Indiana to pick up the new field cultivator he found using this newfangled thing called the Internet that he just signed up for a couple of weeks ago. Whee!
Monday night: I’ll return “home”.
