Famous People I Have Seen While Living in New York City

Felicity Huffman, who I saw in my first weekend here and who I wouldn’t have noticed except that my boyfriend-at-the-time, Todd (who would secretly like me to mention here that he’s written for Rolling Stone), was in love with her and practically peed his pants at the sight.

Steve Zahn, who was reading in a park near the West Side Highway and who Todd claims was oddly with Viggo Mortensen.

Carson Kressley, who I met in, like, my first week working at Barnes & Noble and who offered to cut my boyfriend’s hair.

Ted Allen, who went casually walking past me late one night in Chelsea.

Ann Coulter, who looked like a hag.

Conan O’Brien, who I never actually saw myself, although I tell everyone that I did, because my friend Meredith saw him, and for some reason, that makes me think I did, too.

An unidentified Olsen twin, who asked for my help finding books on indoor gardening while I was working at Barnes & Noble.

Ethan Hawke, who came into my Barnes & Noble frequently to check if his book was being showcased appropriately.

Colin Farrell, who tried to use the restroom at my Barnes & Noble but was denied because it was closing time.

Michael Stipe, who shared eye contact with me for several seconds over a table of bargain photography books at Barnes & Noble and who was wearing an amazing pin-striped outfit.

Chuck Klosterman, who did a reading of his new book at my Barnes & Noble in which he mentioned that he’d never seen the movie Mannequin. I bought him a copy (with my discount, mind you), and when he happened by the section where I worked to ask me where the restroom was, I told him to pee and come immediately back, whereupon I gave the film to him with a note about how he’s half a man for having not watched it before. And also my e-mail address. Which he never used.

Daniel Handler of A Series of Unfortunate Events fame, who quite possibly only owns one shirt.

Frank Portman, who later wrote me a hott MySpace message and who told me I look like I could be named Docile.

Molly Shannon, who had a discussion with me about stickers and Chapstick in the children’s section of Barnes & Noble.

Bill Hader, who is better-looking in person.

Mos Def, who asked me to grab his book from the hold area and who told me I’m the only person to see him in the Kevin Bacon movie The Woodsman, amongst other extremely intimate topics.

Meryl Streep, who I filmed scenes with as an extra in the movie Julie and Julia.

Brooke Shields, who I stood 2 centimeters away from while filming scenes as an extra in “Lipstick Jungle“, where I also stood 2 centimeters away from

Andrew McCarthy

and Rosie Perez

and Kim Raver

and Lindsay Price.

Don Cheadle, who I spotted outside a theatre in Union Square premiering his new movie

with Guy Pearce

and Busta Rhymes.

Jackie Mason, who was eating dinner at the Irish restaurant my friends and I were.