Category Archives: narcissism

Cheese Belly Spleen Face Redux

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Posted by plumpdumpling on September 2, 2010 – 12:30 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, narcissism
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Kamran had the top GPA in his law school class for the third straight year, so we went last night to a reception celebrating his genius.

There were other students there to receive certificates just for being on the Dean’s List, and I felt such disgust for how pathetic and lowly they were that I wanted to comfort myself with a cured meats cookie sandwich, but my best friend and I are blogging about our love of low-carb eating these days, and I didn’t want to disappoint all of the people whose lives we’re changing.

So instead I amused myself by making Kamran reenact these amazing photos from another awards ceremony last year:


Then


Now

You think, “Slightly less creepy,” right? But then you see it up close:

It’s no wonder I have nightmares about showering in front of Simon Cowell.

Why I Don’t Read Your Blog (Hint: It’s Your Fault)

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 10, 2010 – 12:00 pm
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Almost as a rule, I don’t read your blog unless you read mine. I don’t mean to be, like, overly sensitive about the importance of my blog, but I don’t have enough time to read all of the blogs of the people who do leave me comments, so I can’t afford to just go gallivanting around the Internet willy-nilly. If I find a blog I like, I usually add the RSS feed to my Google Reader, comment on the posts whenever the mood strikes me for the next few days, and hope to develop the kind of relationship I have with all of the people I’ve linked to in my sidebar.

I understand that not everyone replies to comments on their own blogs, so I don’t expect to check back on a blog I’m newly reading and see some gloriously personal reply, but I do expect the author to have made it clear in some way that she’s read me, too. If she doesn’t? BANISHED. I’m actually amazed at bloggers who don’t comment on other blogger’s posts. Do they think their stuff is so worth the time that some stranger would read every day without getting any sort of contact in return?

My Google Reader has an “Every Day” section that’s filled with the blogs of people I want to read the moment they post: Unapologetically Female, Bachelor Girl, Good Hair, Kim Luck, thickcrust, Serial Monogamist in her various forms, bluzdude, and lots more. I don’t always get to these people every day, but I get to them eventually no matter what. The rest of my feeds are divided up into food blogs, personal blogs, and fluff like Awkward Family Photos. I basically never look at these. So if I don’t comment on your blog regularly, it’s because you personally offended me and got shoved out of the Every Day section. Haha, just kidding. (Except not really.)

Then there’s the problem of the “important” blogs, like all of the food blogs that review all of the same restaurants I do but are twice as popular and half as good. Just kidding again! (Except not at all.) I used to feel like I had to read them just to see what they were saying about the restaurants I was going to, but then Tracey gave me the ingenious idea of shoving them into the sections I never read and using the search function if I ever want to find anything specific.

I know other bloggers who don’t think like this, though. Bachelor Girl, for instance, is forever posting articles on her very active and interesting Google Buzz account from big name tech blogs that I’m sure don’t pay any attention to anyone. And my best friend, Tracey, godblessher, reads all of the big feminist blogs but doesn’t comment on a single one of them, even though she has a feminist blog herself and should be trying to drive traffic to it.

So, what about you? Am I the only compulsive one here?

How’s It Hangin’?

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 6, 2010 – 12:00 pm
Filed under jobby jobby job job, narcissism, potty mouth
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I just noticed today, after working at the same company for almost four years, that the woman who refills the toilet paper in our bathroom puts one roll into the side-by-side holder so that the paper’s dispensed on top and one roll in so that it comes from underneath.

I love that the janitorial company cares enough to not take sides in the over/under debate, even though one of the sides is clearly incorrect.

ANNOYINGLY EXCITED

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 4, 2010 – 12:00 pm
Filed under jobby jobby job job, narcissism, restaurant ramblings
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My friend Anthony took this photo of me outside of Dim Sum Go Go, where my co-workers past and present and I met for our monthly dinner club a couple of weeks ago:

Look how freakin’ excited I am about pork buns! And look how hard Meredith‘s pretending not to know me.

Haters Keep Hatin’

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 21, 2010 – 3:15 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, living in new york sucks so hard, narcissism
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The first time I saw Kamran’s apartment building, I’ll admit I was wooed. It looked like a castle on the outside and was filled with fresh flowers and gleaming chandeliers on the inside. One my friends recently said it seems like Harry Potter would live there.

After more than three years of visiting it, though, I’ve gotten used to it and its doormen, porters, and nice-men-who-pick-up-the-recycling-from-the-trash-room. Which is why I thought it was a pretty big deal when Kamran got an e-mail from the building saying they were going on strike if their union didn’t reach an agreement with the local apartment building owners.

But they did, and they didn’t go on strike, and I was a little offended by the piece in the New York Times about it:

A strike would have disrupted the daily routines of hundreds of thousands of middle-class residents from upper Broadway to Brownsville, as well as affluent owners of Park Avenue penthouses. Along with picket lines in front of many of their homes, they would be confronted with the loss of the people who sign for their packages, carry their luggage and let the pizza deliverers and dog walkers into the building.

I’m totally not wrong in thinking that’s written facetiously, right? MY DINNER AND PACKAGES ARE IMPORTANT!! Not the dogs, though.

This is Not a Game of Dress-Up

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 1, 2010 – 12:15 pm
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Kamran said he was going to buy me his glasses for my birthday last year, but then he bought me a Wii instead, so I had to resort to getting myself cheap plastic ones from my local teenybopper store:

Big Glasses

Big Glasses

Please host 80s-themed events and invite me so I have an excuse to wear them and jump into the foreground of every photo you try to take of yourself and your real friends.

Materialistic and Proud of It

Posted by plumpdumpling on January 14, 2010 – 2:00 pm
Filed under holidays don't suck for me, narcissism, stuff i like
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You know when you get gifts from people that prove they really, really know you? And not only know you but actually get you and possibly even don’t mind you? Here are a few that I received at the end of the year that made me go, “Oh, crap, you actually pay attention to me when I talk to you, don’t you?”

In order of appearance in my life:

1) From Tracey, a pirated copy of The Peanut Butter Solution, which is probably my favourite childhood movie aside from Labyrinth. I don’t know why my mom would’ve taped it off of TV, but she did, and I must have watched that thing 700 times as a kid. It scared me to death, but it likely also cultivated my extreme taste for peanut butter as an adult. Having it back in my life feels like regaining a lost limb.

2) Also from Tracey, Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds Barbie. I don’t, like, collect Barbies or anything, I need you to know, but I do love the film, and I love that someone at Mattel is weird enough to suggest they make a doll WHO IS BEING ATTACKED BY PLASTIC BIRDS. I think she’s crazy-beautiful.

3) An owl locket ring from Kamran. Not two days before this arrived in the mail, we were discussing the steampunk movement on the way to work, and I told him that steampunk isn’t really my style. What I meant was that I like the aesthetics of it but that I’m too lazy to outfit my computer keyboard with typewriter keys and too conservative to wear goggles ‘round my neck every day. Having searched Etsy for the word steampunk to find the ring, he was worried I wouldn’t like it, but umm . . . it’s an owl on a locket with scrollwork on the band. There is nothing about this that is not me.

4) OMG, a vintage mink stole. Like, for real. It was fate, too, because mere hours before it arrived in the mail, Kamran and I saw this girl in the elevator wearing a fur, and I was like, “Why does she have that and I don’t?” And he totally goaded me into talking for ten minutes about why I love fur so much with absolutely no regard to animal life, knowing that I’d be getting one from him later in the day. It has a giant minky button in the front over the closure, and it’s so soft I no longer care to think about–let alone touch–kittens and bunnies.

My dad also got me a copy of Glenn Beck’s Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government for Christmas, but I prefer not to discuss that.

Photodump Part 2

Posted by plumpdumpling on November 18, 2009 – 11:50 am
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The Pool Party on the Williamsburg waterfront this summer with Dirty Projectors.


The view down a lonely Williamsburg street at the last rooftop party of the summer.


Emily brings her hypoallergenic Yorkiepoo to work, and I convince Jack to stick him in the fridge. Emily is not amused.


Steve receives an Amazon gift card from Michael Jackson with the following note: I’m really happy for you, Elvis, and I’mma let you finish, but Steve is one of the best kings of all time. Of all time.


An accidental snapshot confirms that I’m a robot with lifeless doll eyes.

Photodump Part 1

Posted by plumpdumpling on November 9, 2009 – 2:00 pm
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On the way back to Kamran’s apartment with lunch on a Sunday afternoon, the Chrysler Building still stops us after three+ years of living by it.


At a GRE study session before dinner, Bridgette tells us about the molestation case she just finished jury duty for that afternoon, and Chantee is incredulous. Either that, or this is where we were arguing over the definition of the word assail, and Chantee was really into it.


A view of the Yankees World Series ticker tape parade in downtown from my office building.


Crazy Aunt Dorothy™ bakes me her famous German chocolate cake when I visit Ohio for my birthday.


After a visit to the Fashion Institute of Technology’s Seduction exhibit, Beth and I appropriately pass the Museum of Sex and learn a new fun fact.

Geocities is Dead! Long Live WordPress!

Posted by plumpdumpling on October 27, 2009 – 3:46 pm
Filed under i used to be so cool, narcissism
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Sunday night around 7 p.m., Kamran just happened to be napping, and I just happened to be wasting time with my Google Reader when I happened upon this article from “Huffington Post” about Geocities shutting down on October 26th, the very next day.

Horrified, I went to the Geocities website and read the entire FAQ where they said something to the effect of if you don’t right-click on each of your individual pages and save them to your hard drive, your information will be lost FOREVER. Not for a second did I think about how annoying that was going to be or how a much better use of my time would be creating a new website, because my Geocities homepage was my LIFE from 1998 to 2002, and the Internet would be a sad, sad place without pages such as


the one in which I rate facewashes by how gross they taste,


the very first “blog” entry I ever wrote online in 1998,


and the one in which I have potential suitors fill out an application to marry me.

So I went through each of my maybe 100 pages, right-clicked, saved, and breathed a sigh of relief knowing that someday, I’d be able to go back and read the online diary that used to get me in so much trouble in high school whenever someone found out I’d called her a skank in it. Only when I got about 30 pages in, I started getting an error on every page telling me that it couldn’t load. I started flipping out again, searching the Geocities website for an apology about their overloaded servers and the promise that they’d keep the sites up for an extra day so everyone could have time to save their PRECIOUS MEMORIES. What I found was that Geocities had an hourly download rate, and that I’d surpassed it and had to wait to access more of my pages. I was prepared to sit in front of my computer until midnight on the dot, still downloading as the clock ticked from 59 seconds back to 0.

Hours later, I finally finished grabbing everything I could, including the pages that weren’t linked from anywhere and that maybe two people in the entire world had seen accidentally via a Dogpile or Metacrawler search back in the day. I started thinking that maybe it was a good thing the site was disappearing. Maybe I didn’t want the world knowing how I referred to myself as The Katie™ not infrequently or how I had an entire series of connected pages chronicling how perverted Mister Rogers is. Now that everything was safe within my hard drive, it didn’t matter that no one would ever fill out my Application for Husbandry again.

But then I woke up on October 26th, and the site was still there. I kept checking, and it kept being there. I almost got pissed off. That’s my private writing! Who does Geocities think they are, keeping that stuff around?! Ten minutes ago, in the midst of writing this, I checked again, and sure enough, there it was. I typed my address into the historical record of Geocities, and it was there, too.

But two minutes ago, I checked again, and now it seems to be officially dead. The historical record is showing the first page and then “Not in Archive” error messages when I try to click on anything from there.

I’m relieved. I’m saddened.

The Canon S90 Has Been Released, and I Can Finally Move on with My Life

Posted by plumpdumpling on October 19, 2009 – 11:45 am
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On Clint’s recommendation, I spent all summer waiting for the Degustation review turned out so much better than all of my other food photos just because of a little light difference, I realized I had to suck it up and find an alternative so I could move away from my four-year-old point-and-shoot.

What I found was the Canon S90, a digital small enough to fit into my tiniest clutch but with manual controls and a low-light setting.

The camera hadn’t been released when I ordered it from Adorama, so I was just going off these reviews. They promised a mid-September release, and it was the beginning of September, so I expected something akin to immediate gratification.

AND THEN IT WAS OCTOBER, AND I STILL HAD NO EFFING CAMERA. I seriously was Googling the release date every day and getting no results, calling Canon every day and hearing them know nothing, checking my bank account to see if the money had been withdrawn and finding I was still rich.

But then, on Thursday, the day after Canon told me the S90 would be in stores in a few weeks, it arrived on my doorstep in all of its compact manual glory. I’m still too scared to actually use it, and I may just be leaving it on auto for the first six months after I start, but YAY!

The Day That Belongs to Me and No One Else, Especially Not the Other 18 Million People Born on This Day

Posted by plumpdumpling on October 9, 2009 – 12:45 pm
Filed under holidays don't suck for me, narcissism
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Oh, birthdays. I never thought I was one to flaunt THE EXTREMELY SPECIAL DAY THAT’S ABOUT ME AND ME ONLY, but as it turns out, I’m actually very much into flaunting it. As early as October 1st, I was writing e-mails to everyone in my office to tell them things like, “Your monthly subway passes are in, and oh yeah, my birthday is October 9th.” Strange.

So far, the two best birthday wishes I’ve received have been from:

1) My best friend, Tracey, who wrote this amazing birthday blog post for me. And I use the word wrote very loosely. As you’ll see in my comment, I first read the post from my BlackBerry this morning and had no idea that someone out there was actually making cakes that look like babies. The creepiest babies ever at that.

2) OkCupid, who sent me this e-mail:

This is the third year in a row they’ve had to send me the “sorry you’re in a relationship” e-mail thanks to Kamran being great. But I really love how they can’t help themselves and have to include links both for me to login instantly and to find my birthday matches. Way to wreck relationships, OkCupid.

I’ve invited my ten closest friends to a marathon of karaoke tomorrow afternoon, but tonight, I’m going to have a quiet evening at home with Kamran that will involve pizza, several kinds of chips, cupcakes, ice cream cake, and playing with the Wii we bought each other for our joint birthday.

YES!

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 24, 2009 – 1:58 pm
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Shameless Self-Promotion

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 17, 2009 – 5:30 pm
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I somehow convinced my very accomplished brother-in-law, owner of MaxWeb, to design an Unapologetically Mundane sticker for me recently. There’s no point to it, obviously, except that it serves my vanity in ways that simply linking to my posts in my Facebook profile never could.

So if you’d like me to send you some stickers to plaster all around whatever podunk town you live in, please e-mail me at plumpdumpling at unapologeticallymundane.com with your address. Or if you just want one for your creepy (but in a hott way) shrine to me, also e-mail me at plumpdumpling at unapologeticallymundane.com with your address.

Where the Streets Have My Name

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 11, 2009 – 9:01 am
Filed under bigtime celebrity, narcissism
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I pass these barriers every day after work on my way to Kamran’s apartment, and I never could figure out why they creeped me out until I realized the other day that

ONE OF THEM IS CALLING MY NAME. Albeit backward.

Don’t Call It a Netbook

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 9, 2009 – 1:54 pm
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Ever since the great Mac-out of February ’09, I’ve been thinking about having a second computer just in case my Mac ever truly dies on me. I didn’t want to spend the money on a new Apple when I barely spend any time on my laptop, and I didn’t want to own some clunky ten-pounder that would be too much of an eyesore to enjoy using.

And then I found this:

The Dell Mini, a 10″ beauty with a faster processor, more RAM, and more hard drive space than I have on my 12″ Mac. And this envelope case, which tells the world how much I love letter-writing despite my 3000+ unread Gmail messages.

It’s so tiny that I can carry it everywhere and so self-important that it won’t notice when the big laptops make fun of it every afternoon at Starbucks. I haven’t actually, you know, turned it on yet or anything since receiving it on Saturday, but I know I love it just from its glittery finish.

What’s so hipster about being literate?

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 28, 2009 – 1:22 pm
Filed under i used to be so cool, narcissism
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Look at this fucking hipster is basically photos of all my neighbors in Brooklyn wearing their stupid 80s clothes and not brushing their stupid unwashed hair. As much as I love being a voyeur of it, I’m usually glad that I’ll never be featured on it, because that involves looking like this:


So rough and tumble!

and I look more like this:


So sweet and innocent!

But yesterday, the site posted this, which is basically the tattoo I’d get if I ever got a tattoo. Except that mine would include way cooler books, of course.

Yeah, I took honors English, and I want the world to know. My senior year, my honors English teacher told the whole class that I’d be the only one of us to score a perfect 5 on the AP exam. Boo-yah!

And then I got a 4 just like everyone else. But still!

Looks Like SOMEONE Needs to Buy Me a New Camera

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 26, 2009 – 2:39 pm
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Hi. Can anyone tell me what the hell is on my lens? And furthermore, how the hell I get it off? I can’t seem to physically rub it off the outside, which leads me to believe that something has infested the inside of my camera.

Don’t let the look on my cupcake face fool you. I am not a happy lady.

Massive Glasses on a Tiny Face

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 24, 2009 – 12:23 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, narcissism
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I was watching Dr. Boyfriend try on pants in the Banana Republic dressing room last week

and in my boredom, decided to try on his glasses:

So what do you think? When I get my new pair of glasses (say, this weekend), should I get the exact same pair?

WOULDN’T WE BE TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS?!

Nerds in Love

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 13, 2009 – 12:41 pm
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Kamran: I got salad, but I got too much.
1.5 lbs worth.
Defeats the healthy point a little.
me: Dang!
Kamran: I know, right?
me: Well, you’re a growing boy.
Kamran: Yea. I’m growing a strong gravitational field with all the mass I’m accumulating.
me: You keep pulling me into you.
Kamran: I got you in my orbit.
me: Along with a bunch of dust and metal.
Kamran: You’re my favorite orbital debris.