Category Archives: good times at everyone else’s expense

Steve Jobs Makes My Ears Hurt

Posted by katie ett on October 6, 2011 – 11:00 am
Filed under good times at everyone else's expense, music is my boyfriend, stuff i like
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The only sad part about Steve Jobs being dead is that now I’ll never get to tell him personally how awful the iPod earbuds are.

Seriously, is there anyone out there who regularly uses his or her iPod or iPhone and hasn’t bought separate in-ear earbuds for it? And if you haven’t, is it only because you’re cheap and don’t believe that you should have to purchase new ones when you already paid for the sucky ones that come with every Apple purchase?

Kamran bought me some of the in-ear ones a couple of years ago, and the moment I put them in, I was like, “HOW HAVE I SPENT THE LAST THREE YEARS IN MISERY WHEN THESE EXIST?” Because the Apple earbuds are miserable. When my earbuds from Kamran started only half-functioning last week, I pulled the crappy Apple ones out of my old Nano box–I had clearly hung onto them because I anticipated wanting to punish myself for something later in life (maybe this post?)–and was immediately reminded that they almost seem engineered to suck.

Not only are they way too huge for my delicate, feminine ears, but because they don’t actually fill my ear canal, I now have to actually, like, hear children talking about the nonsense they always do to their parents on the bus. I had to listen to a kid complaining about wanting her hair brushed for TEN ENTIRE MINUTES the other day. Why are you not brushing your kid’s hair, mothers? And why are you letting them audibly complain about it during my morning rush hour commute? AND WHY DID YOU THINK THE WORLD NEEDED YOUR SPAWN IN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Anyway.

Apple earbuds are the very worst, and here are ten much better alternatives I found in five minutes of Googling:


bullets


Jelly Bellys


rubber ducks, which Tracey bought for me, because rubber ducks are of course my favourite animal


Care Bears


Mickey Mouse


Mario


Domo


Superman


M&Ms


cupcakes

I win this one, Jobs.

The One in Which I Lose the Two Black Friends I Have

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 2, 2011 – 12:00 pm
Filed under good times at everyone else's expense, living in new york is neat
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A salon in Downtown Brooklyn:

So, then, what is white elegance? Is it too racist if I say “spelling things correctly”?

Accidental Racism is Probably Still Racism

Posted by plumpdumpling on July 11, 2011 – 12:00 pm
Filed under good times at everyone else's expense, jobby jobby job job, my uber-confrontational personality
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Sometimes I pass the one black lady with natural hair on our floor at work and think about that sign I put up that one time on the bathroom door about going to stall #4 “if you want to see the longest pube ever” before I knew there was a long history of black people’s hair being compared to pubes, and even though it could’ve totally actually been a pube, it probably was her hair, and she never says hi back when I say hi, and I kind of understand why.

Cover Up That Caesarean Scar, Fatty

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 12, 2011 – 12:00 pm
Filed under good times at everyone else's expense, it's fun to be fat, my uber-confrontational personality, stuff i hate, why i'm better than everyone else
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I’ve never worn a bikini. I burst forth from my mother’s womb at 145 pounds, already wearing footie pajamas to hide my shame, so my beach attire has always included one-pieces and t-shirts. Well, my friends and I are soon going back to the Hamptons beach house we rented last year, and I’ve been actively searching again for the perfect swimsuit after last year’s tankini disaster at Laguna Beach.

I think I finally did find a suit that I’ll like, but more importantly, I was reminded that everyone else likes the wrong suit. For reference, here is the only person who should be wearing a bikini:

I don’t mean to be anti-feminist here, but seriously, if you don’t look like that, why are you wearing one?

Do you just looooove the way the water feels on your stomach? Hey, guess what; water actually soaks through swimsuits right to your skin!

Were you hoping for some awesome bikini tan lines? TAN LINES ARE NOT SEXY.

I imagine you’re not doing it to show off your love handles or the fact that no amount of padding will give you sideboobs.

And I kind of doubt you want people noticing that your midsection’s shaped less like an hourglass and more like one of those fat pencils we used to use in kindergarten.

You know what hides love handles, weird foam padding, and your giant potbelly that sort of reminds one of a poisonous growth on a treetrunk?

ONE-PIECES! For me, even models look better in them:

I guess I’d just rather see less and imagine perfection than to be assaulted by how imperfect everything is. And don’t try to tell me that imperfections are beautiful, you bikini-wearing sap.

This is Why I’m Not Beloved in the Scrapbooking Community

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 19, 2011 – 12:00 pm
Filed under good times at everyone else's expense
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When I was home at the beginning of the month, my best friend, Tracey, showed me her Project Life scrapbook. Designed by Becky Higgins to be used without a bunch of extra supplies, it’s about the most ingenious thing I’ve seen for the lazy cropper. You supply the pictures and the words, and the kit supplies the book, pocketed inserts for holding everything, journaling cards, and embellishments so you end up with effortless little pages like this:


Sorry, person I stole this layout from! I don’t remember who you were!

And it just so happens that the Amber Edition of the kit is covered with the brocade pattern I love so much!

Now, I’d usually write about the kit on our scrapbooking/cardmaking/general pretty things blog, but I have to tell this aside. See, Tracey’s taking a picture a day for hers, which seems like a great way to go for me, since I sometimes forget to document the everyday-to-me but totally-interesting-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things stuff here in NYC.

Well, I got off the bus near Kamran’s apartment the other day, and right in front of me was a little person! And I don’t mean a child, because you know I don’t consider children people, but a tiny adult in a well-appointed miniature trench coat and rain boots. I wanted to take her picture so badly, because there wasn’t a chance I was going to see anything cooler that day, but I realized there’s no quicker way to get yourself called an asshole than to snap a picture of a dwarf behind her back.

I thought, “Maybe I can use my extremely long and graceful normal-sized legs to catch up with her and ask to pose for me!” But then I realized that wouldn’t work either, because you know there’s not a chance I could’ve spoken to her in anything other than a baby voice.

So I played it safe and took a picture of myself instead. The only thing dwarfish about me is my sense of tact.