Category Archives: creepy boyfriend obsession

Cheese Belly Spleen Face Redux

1
Posted by plumpdumpling on September 2, 2010 – 12:30 pm
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Kamran had the top GPA in his law school class for the third straight year, so we went last night to a reception celebrating his genius.

There were other students there to receive certificates just for being on the Dean’s List, and I felt such disgust for how pathetic and lowly they were that I wanted to comfort myself with a cured meats cookie sandwich, but my best friend and I are blogging about our love of low-carb eating these days, and I didn’t want to disappoint all of the people whose lives we’re changing.

So instead I amused myself by making Kamran reenact these amazing photos from another awards ceremony last year:


Then


Now

You think, “Slightly less creepy,” right? But then you see it up close:

It’s no wonder I have nightmares about showering in front of Simon Cowell.

I’m Going to California, and I May Not Come Back If the Grilled Cheese Truck is Good Enough

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 5, 2010 – 12:00 pm
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I sing Phantom Planet’s “California” nearly every time my friends and I do karaoke. I’ve loved the song since 2002, long before it was the theme song to a stupid teen drama, long before teen dramas about California were a thing, and long before I met Kamran.

By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be sharing a snackbox with him on our way to Orange County for 10 days of:

• In-N-Out burgers

• quality time with his family, which hopefully will include plenty of watching “Bonanza” and eating Persian dishes full of pomegranate and blackened pickled vegetables

• DISNEYLAND! with his friends Gary and Diana (but not their kids mwahahahaha)

• his friend Diana’s wedding, which I assume will not involve homemade moonshine, UNLIKE OTHER WEDDINGS I HAVE RECENTLY ATTENDED (god bless you, Ohio)

• trying out my Farsi on his parents (so far, I can say poop, pee, hungry, and thirsty, so obviously they will be impressed)

• hot dogs from Pink’s, where the line is apparently as long as it is here for Shake Shack

• Alberto’s carne asada burritos

• touring the San Juan Capistrano Mission (and reenacting scenes from The Birds using the Barbie my best friend bought for me)

• anything from Del Taco (because, come on, it translates to of the taco)

• a day-long tour of L.A. that includes Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles, the Santa Monica pier, maybe not going to the Chinese Theatre unless someone tells us we have to, and a very adult dinner with his uncle that will include quiet conversation

• generally being in Laguna and acting like a semi-retarded teenager

Obviously I’ll be singing “California” while we do every single one of these things, too. Look forward to the videos.

Why Life is So Great Right Now

Posted by plumpdumpling on July 30, 2010 – 12:00 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, everyone's married but katie, living in new york sucks so hard, no i really do love ohio
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1) Last weekend, I was out all afternoon on the hottest day of the year, and Kamran texted me at one point to say that he thought the air conditioner had stopped working. I arrived at his apartment later with a couple of iced coffees just to make fun of him and his overactive imagination, but no, there was definitely warm air coming out of his vent. We spent the remainder of the night sitting perfectly still on the couch, afraid that moving would allow the sweat rivers dammed in our hair to unleash on our foreheads. It. Was. Miserable.

Way wore than the night we lost power in my apartment, because Kamran lives in a studio with windows on only one side of the room, so there’s no way to create a cross breeze unless you open the door. And I wouldn’t have been entirely opposed to propping the door if New Yorkers weren’t so infamously curious about other people’s habitats; you know every single person who walked by would’ve stopped dead to watch us gnawing on ice as we watched Manhunter.

I texted my best friend, Tracey, about it, and she suggested I fly to Ohio and enjoy her central air. I also considered going back to my own apartment, figuring that a single wall unit for all 900 square feet was better than nothing, but I didn’t want to leave Kamran alone with his take-home law school exams. We went to bed around midnight, but Kamran woke up at 2 a.m. feeling like he was having trouble breathing and thinking we’d need to go to a hotel, which made me EXCITED. But then he remembered a box fan hidden in the back of one of his closets and aimed it right at us so we could at least not die during the night.

Two days later–after his exams were all finished, of course–his landlord graciously had a guy come and install a brand new unit with a timer and remote control so we never have to leave the couch again.


2) You may think of me as some huge important chef thanks to my starring role in Julie & Julia and my wildly popular food blog, but the truth is that about the most I do is heat up some hotdogs for breakfast in Kamran’s convection oven. But his oven went out in March, and we kind of didn’t bother to do anything about it, which means I’ve been heating up my hotdogs in skillets.

Skillets.

But early this week, when the new air conditioner went in, the landlord also sent him a new microwave. A huge one, with a light underneath to illuminate the stovetop, and a vent on top to keep the apartment from smelling like pigparts.


3) Last night, I met Kamran to go shopping for toilet paper (romantic!), and as we were leaving Duane Reade (a pharmacy that got its start in NYC at the corner of Duane Street and Reade Street–clever!), I realized that it was my chance to buy my favourite generic lipgloss, which I’ve been without for several months now but have been too lazy to walk an extra block to the Duane Reade for because the CVS near his house is so much nicer. I forget sometimes that the littlest things can make such a huge difference to my happiness.


4) I’m in Ohio for the weekend for my stepsister’s wedding! This means I’m the only one of the five of us kids who isn’t married. Last time I was home, I told my grandmother that Kamran and I are going to California to visit his parents early next month, and she said, “Oooooh, are you going to pin him down while you’re there?” And I said, “Um, haven’t I done that already? We’ve been together almost four years now. The only thing we haven’t done is move in together.” She didn’t like that.



And you?

Kammy from the Block

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 21, 2010 – 1:45 pm
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Kamran’s thinking about applying for a clerkship once he graduates from law school, which means he’d spend a year writing opinions for a judge. Seeing as he’s a genius with 800 degrees, I’m sure he’ll end up with a super-important judge, but he’s not convinced:

Kammy from the Block

By “scrappy immigrant”, he means “snobby Persian who was raised in Laguna Beach”. By “science background”, he means “B.S. in physics from Caltech, Master’s and Ph.D. in physics from Princeton”. By “night-school J.D.”, he means “working by day as a patent agent and letting his law firm pay for his J.D. by night”.

DO NOT BE FOOLED!

The only reason I mention this–besides the hilarity of Kamran thinking he’s a gangsta who made it off the streets–is that it means he might move me to someplace like Pasadena or Chicago or D.C.! The horror. What could there possibly be to blog about in those God-forsaken places?!

Haters Keep Hatin’

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 21, 2010 – 3:15 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, living in new york sucks so hard, narcissism
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The first time I saw Kamran’s apartment building, I’ll admit I was wooed. It looked like a castle on the outside and was filled with fresh flowers and gleaming chandeliers on the inside. One my friends recently said it seems like Harry Potter would live there.

After more than three years of visiting it, though, I’ve gotten used to it and its doormen, porters, and nice-men-who-pick-up-the-recycling-from-the-trash-room. Which is why I thought it was a pretty big deal when Kamran got an e-mail from the building saying they were going on strike if their union didn’t reach an agreement with the local apartment building owners.

But they did, and they didn’t go on strike, and I was a little offended by the piece in the New York Times about it:

A strike would have disrupted the daily routines of hundreds of thousands of middle-class residents from upper Broadway to Brownsville, as well as affluent owners of Park Avenue penthouses. Along with picket lines in front of many of their homes, they would be confronted with the loss of the people who sign for their packages, carry their luggage and let the pizza deliverers and dog walkers into the building.

I’m totally not wrong in thinking that’s written facetiously, right? MY DINNER AND PACKAGES ARE IMPORTANT!! Not the dogs, though.

Sitting on Your Head

Posted by plumpdumpling on February 17, 2010 – 9:45 am
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Sometimes I look through the folder on my hard drive full of things I intend to post here, and I find screenshots from chats with Kamran like this:

sitting on your head

WTF?

I had to Google image search it just to see if I’d ever posted it before, and while I didn’t find it, I did find something else, which I had to post on the new blog Tracey’s graciously sharing with me, because I apparently still don’t have enough of an online presence to suit myself.

In Which Kamran Fakes His Death on a Bus

Posted by plumpdumpling on February 1, 2010 – 3:00 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, funner times on the bus
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Kamran’s simulated crash face does not in any way reflect how our trip to Atlantic City on Greyhound’s Lucky Streak Bus went:

However, this is a fairly accurate portrayal of his feelings toward wearing a seatbelt on public transportation:

A full report is forthcoming.

Another Birfday

Posted by plumpdumpling on October 14, 2009 – 11:58 am
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Happy birthday to my big juicy Kamburger!

It’s a pleasure to spend another birthday with you, Kameroon, and not just because you’ve agreed to do all of the things I want to on your special day.

Even Your Dog Knows the Chrysler Building is Silver

Posted by plumpdumpling on October 2, 2009 – 9:00 am
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, living in new york is neat, stuff i like
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It’s funny to find myself nostalgic and grossly sentimental for the city I currently live in. I saw this ring from Henri Bendel in Time Out New York on the train the other morning and had a moment of heart palpitations.

I guess I have a special attachment to the Chrysler Building since dating Kamran, who goes to bed every night with it shining in his window, and since we took this photo in front of it two whole years ago. When I asked my brother-in-law to design a sticker for me and he sent a drawing with a skyline, I specifically asked if he could change one of the buildings to the Chrysler.

I don’t know if I love it enough to special order a $720 gold (gold?!) ring modeled after it, but it makes me sad to imagine not seeing it every day.

I’m interested–are there things in your city you feel this way about?

You Don’t Even Want to Know the Nicknames We Used to Wish Each Other a Happy Anniversary This Morning

Posted by plumpdumpling on September 14, 2009 – 12:40 pm
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Today marks the third anniversary of the day Kamran and I met at S’MAC in the East Village for macaroni, cheese, and a first date for the ages. I wore a black hoodie and old jeans because I thought I wasn’t going to care to impress him, and he said things like, “I spent the past six years living in New Jersey,” when he meant, “I spent the past six years earning my PH.D. FROM PRINCETON.” Afterward, he charmed the pants off of me (not literally) by taking me for drinks at a bar with red velvet furniture and telling me all about his guilty pleasure bands.

As we parted at the train station later, he said, “I’ll call you,” and I said, “Thanks for taking me out,” and he said, “The pleasure was mine,” which seemed really slick and grown-up at the time but would later turn out to be something he says on a daily basis. I gave him a hug to signal that he had my permission to run the hell away and never call me again, but he said, “I’m still going to wait until your train comes.” I said, “But we’ve already said goodbye! Now we’re gonna be all awkward.” He asked, “What’s better than two goodbyes?”, and I said, “No goodbyes.” Sexy!

Most days feel just as exciting as that first one did, and the days that don’t feel exciting still feel full of a deep, understanding love that I couldn’t even imagine until I met him but now probably take for granted because it feels like such a part of me. Even after three years, it still seems like our time together has just begun, and I hope that we end up just like the eternal embrace skeletons.

Even if it’s just because we strangled each other to death.

nobody likes me everybody hates me guess i’ll go eat worms

Posted by plumpdumpling on August 17, 2009 – 1:22 pm
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I love Kelly and her adventures in independence over at Bachelor Girl, but I’ve always thought people who live alone are crazy. Whereas I seem to go home to Ohio once a month these days, Kamran only gets to visit his family in California about twice a year because of work and law school, so I’m not used to being here without him. When he scheduled a trip home for this past weekend, this whole week, AND next weekend, I wasn’t sure I’d last ’til this morning. And then my best New York friend, Beth, announced that she was leaving for vacation, too. And then my best best friend, Tracey, announced that she and her husband were going to visit their in-laws and wouldn’t be available to chat. THE HORROR.

Kam and I took a cab to the airport on Saturday morning, where we enjoyed hot dogs wrapped in soft pretzel material, and then I creepily watched him go through the security line and waved to him and blew kisses every time he dared to look out of the corner of his eye to see if I was still there. And then I rode the bus and the subway back into Manhattan (because I’m cheap), decided I might as well cook for myself without someone there to take me out to dinner, and actually bought groceries for the first time in . . . so many months I can’t count. It felt terrible.

Other Things I Did Without Kamran Here to Entertain Me

1) Went to the gym on both Saturday and Sunday, allowing me to watch a whole lotta “Lost” season 5 on my iPod, and allowing me to grow to hate Ilana even more.

2) Whipped up some vanilla pudding, decided it was too plain, and swirled powdered Nesquik in for flavor. Don’t tell Kamran.

3) Watched the episode of “Degrassi: The Next Generation” where Alli decides to give it up to Johnny in the back of a van down by the ravine, only to discover that she totally wasn’t ready. When she confides in Johnny that she’s not going to DO IT again for a long time, he admits that he was a virgin, too. SWOON!

4) Cooked pasta, made pasta sauce, seasoned sausage to put in it and DID NOT HATE IT.

5) Saw District 9 with Jack, Eric, Eric’s girlfriend Christine, Nik, Jack’s friend Chris, Chris’s sister Vanessa, and Jack’s friend Andrew. Jizzed in my pants a little the first time we saw the aliens up in the ship.

6) Didn’t leave Kamran’s apartment building a single time on Sunday, but did leave the apartment itself to get a bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch, of course) from the convenience store downstairs. Planned to finish them all myself just to spite Kamran but sadly couldn’t hang.

7) Began watching season 2 of “Mad Men” without ever watching season 1. Felt like I may have missed out on some important stuff–Joan being a bitch, Peggy giving her baby up, a whole lot of women cheating on their husbands–but enjoyed it nonetheless.

8.) Caught up on “Big Brother 11″, which is not embarrassing, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

9) Realized that watching so much television is a little bit sad without Kamran there to make me feel like I’m being social.

10) Slept diagonally across the bed and found myself waking up with a smile on my face. (Sorry, Kam.)

So all in all, it wasn’t the worst weekend of my life. However, in less than 48 hours, I must have texted Kamran 15 times to tell him I missed him, so it’s probably safe to say I couldn’t make a lifelong go of this. And here’s the great thing about being alone for a week versus being alone for life:

When a nerdy-yet-pompous grad student across from me on the train in Queens started telling his nerdy-yet-pompous friend about a dream he had where he was making out with some chick (who was no doubt too hot for him) at some party (that he’d never actually be invited to), I got to put on my headphones and let Hot Hot Heat block them out instead of hanging onto their every word while trying to decide if giving up all of my self-worth was worth it for a date with one of them.

Poop of Love Deux

Posted by plumpdumpling on July 28, 2009 – 10:12 am
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, potty mouth
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After a tip from my super-Innanet-savvy co-worker Anthony, I sent Kamran this graphic from doodie.com:

And then we said this:

a) That’s why I love him, and
b) that’s why I love Gmail Chat.

Correspondingly, We’ve Never Been to a Drive-In Movie Together

Posted by plumpdumpling on July 27, 2009 – 11:37 am
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, living in new york is neat
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After a rooftop barbeque in Brooklyn on Saturday night, our friend Jeff offered to drop us off at Kamran’s apartment on his way home. As Kamran and I buckled ourselves in, we realized that in nearly three years of dating, it was the first time we’d ever been in a car together.

How totally New York City is that?

That’s not my boob he’s gnawing on, I swear.

Posted by plumpdumpling on July 24, 2009 – 5:44 pm
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I came up near to you
My arm around your waist
I was wanting to get to know you
Lean in and get a taste
I could hear your heart beating
And I found I wanted to eat your heart up
Chew it up and swallow
Get your blood to flow through my head
Oh no . . .

If I were to eat your heart up
And get your blood to flow in my wake
I’d be on to make the same mistake again
With someone else
You would be so easy to eat
You would be so easy to eat
You would be so easy to eat

– The Blow, “My Heart”

Poop of Love

Posted by plumpdumpling on June 30, 2009 – 5:17 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, no i really do love ohio
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Kamran and I get a little too excited when we jinx:

And now I’m going to Ohio to see the 4th of July fireworks!, because inexplicably, New York fireworks suck. And these things matter.

“Adventureland” is the New “Juno” or Something

Posted by plumpdumpling on May 14, 2009 – 6:12 pm
Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession, there's a difference between films and movies
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My friend Beth and I went to see Adventureland last night in its last night at the theatre near Union Square. It features Bill Hader, who I have totally seen twice while living in New York, but even without an appearance by one of my very best friends I’ve never actually spoken to, it was a seriously great movie: funny, beautiful, and very touching.

I’m not going to spoil anything for you, but I loved that New York–where I live now–was idling in the background while the characters lived out their lives in the Midwest, where I’m from. Everything they did felt so familiar to me, so college-y and carefree, and I got very nostalgic for those simpler days when I was all idealistic about what I’d make of myself. At the same time, the relationship in it felt so much like what I have now with the good doctor; all of the excitement and the closeness they felt was exactly what I feel with Kamran. There was a point when Kristen Stewart–who is totally great in this movie, for all of you who hated her after Twilight (which I didn’t see but heard horrible things about)–looks at Jesse Eisenberg and says something like, “You’re the coolest boy I’ve ever met. And the cutest.” And I totally made out with Beth at that moment and pretended it was Kamran, because that’s just what I think about him.

ANYWAY, did anyone else see this thing? Am I the only one who liked it?

Bellies Full of Cheeses, Faces Full of Spleen

Posted by plumpdumpling on April 2, 2009 – 4:00 pm
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I’m leaving work early today to go to one of a long line of scholarship receptions for Dr. Boyfriend. Because even though the law firm where he’s a patent agent is paying for him to go to law school, he’s a genius and can’t avoid getting money thrown at him.

For some reason, I get all excited about these receptions. I just think it’s so neat that he works full-time and somehow still manages to be at the top of his class (mostly by staying home and reading cases when he should be taking his lady out dancing) that I feel sort of like a proud mother when the invitations come in the mail. I think about how the dean of the school will fawn over him, and how I’ll embarrass myself trying to make everyone laugh, and how we’ll fill up on cured meats and cookies.

But what I never remember is that by the end of them, this always happens:

Massive Glasses on a Tiny Face

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 24, 2009 – 12:23 pm
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I was watching Dr. Boyfriend try on pants in the Banana Republic dressing room last week

and in my boredom, decided to try on his glasses:

So what do you think? When I get my new pair of glasses (say, this weekend), should I get the exact same pair?

WOULDN’T WE BE TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS?!

Nerds in Love

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 13, 2009 – 12:41 pm
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Kamran: I got salad, but I got too much.
1.5 lbs worth.
Defeats the healthy point a little.
me: Dang!
Kamran: I know, right?
me: Well, you’re a growing boy.
Kamran: Yea. I’m growing a strong gravitational field with all the mass I’m accumulating.
me: You keep pulling me into you.
Kamran: I got you in my orbit.
me: Along with a bunch of dust and metal.
Kamran: You’re my favorite orbital debris.

Your Fiery Red Color is MINE

Posted by plumpdumpling on March 10, 2009 – 5:19 pm
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My Iranian (pronounced ih-RON-ee-an) boyfriend informs me that tonight is the Persian festival Chaharshanbe Suri! YES! My absolute favourite Persian holiday!!!

No, I didn’t know what it was, either, so Kamran sent me the Wikipedia link, and here’s the best part:

The tradition includes people going into the streets and alleys to make fires, and jump over them while singing the traditional song, Sorkhi-ye to az man; Zardi-ye man az to. The literal translation is, Your fiery red color is mine, and my sickly yellow paleness is yours.

This is a face that’s never seen yellow paleness, am I right?