Unapologetically Mundane » a taste for tv

No “Game of Thrones” Spoilers Contained Within

katie ett — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:00:51 +0000

On Saturday morning, I took a cue from Han + Diana and invited Kamran and our friends Nik and Marco to The Dutch for herbed cocktails, fried chicken, and pie so tall you could use it for a baby’s highchair:

Marko is the thoughtful brother, and Nik is the outrageous brother, and together, they’re a very good time. We spent most of the meal signing each other up for the Draw Something app on our various Apple products, and then I tried Kamran’s tripe and almost threw up in my mouth because it’s cow stomach lining, but then I stopped myself because it’s delicious. And it should be, because it’s made by the same chef who owns Locanda Verde with Robert De Niro. I tell you that so you’ll be dazzled by my brushes with celebrity.

Afterward, I went back to my own apartment and spent the next ten hours marathoning the entire first season of “Game of Thrones” with my friend/roommate/landlord/co-worker, Jack, and my friend Kim, whom I will always refer to as “Kim of Good Hair, Kim Luck”, even though her website has been defunct for almost a year now. As soon as I arrived, Jack handed me a save-the-date postcard for Beth‘s wedding, and Kim acted as if it’s weird that I actually want to attend the nuptials of a person I only know from the Internet, even though there was a time when I only knew Kim from the Internet, and now we’re NYCBFFs.

We ate direwolf cupcakes with grey sprinkles, looked at The Khaleesi’s boobs, and picked and re-picked our favourite characters from 6 p.m. to 4 a.m. and then had a sleepover for all of five hours before I had to get to Kamran’s and Kim had to get to the gym or something ridiculous, and then neither of us watched the premiere of season two. So don’t spoil it for us. A-holes.

Amar’e Stoudemire’s Battle of the Bulge

katie ett — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 14:00:00 +0000

My friend Nik* caught this little gaff live last night during the Knicks/Bucks game:

What commentator Al Trautwig meant to say:

It’s much more complicated for Amar’e Stoudemire. He did not finish Saturday’s game against Detroit. An MRI reveals a bulging disc in his lower back, and it will be treated non-surgically.

What commentator Al Trautwig actually said:

It’s much more complicated for Amar’e Stoudemire. He did not finish Saturday’s game against Detroit. An MRI reveals a bulging dick in his lower back, and it will be treated non-surgically.

The comments on the video are unstoppable:

“Hate it when my dick bulges after a long day of hooping.”

“Dunno about you guys but I’d hate to wake up with a bulging dick in my lower back.”

Thank you, sweet Internet, for the bountiful gifts you so selflessly provide.

*Nik can also be thanked for the brilliant title of this post.

“Survivor: One World”: Colton Goes Home with an Apendicitis and the World Rejoices

katie ett — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 02:50:58 +0000

Am I right in thinking that tonight’s “Survivor” ended in the only way it could in a perfect and just world? Colton Cumbie, the biggest jerk in “Survivor” history in my mind, went home with a suspected appendicitis after ensuring Christina all episode long that she was the next to go, that she had no friends, that she could wait out her sentence on the island or “jump in the fire” and end it for herself.

photo by CBS

I know that Russell Hantz is largely regarded as “Survivor”‘s most evil mastermind, but Colton was an even worse kind of awful: the kind who cried like the kid picked last on the playground when he was the only gay guy on a team full of macho men he assumed wouldn’t accept him and then became a snotty, snobby diva spewing hate the moment he didn’t have to fear being voted off every single week. At least Russell had the decency to be terrible all of the time. Watching Colton fall from grace—from a country club brat who laughed when he said the one black person he knows was the family’s servant to a wretch coiled up on the bare ground, hilariously thinking his stomach pain was constipation—felt so, so sweet.

And then he took the hidden immunity idol home with him to boot instead of passing it along to his closest ally (Alicia), the only person who took pity on him during his sickness (Christina, who is a princess among women), or one of his teammates for a future Tribal Council. I was amused by him for the first episode, I felt sorry for him for the second episode, and I wanted him full of gangrene by the third episode. If we see a future “Survivor: All Stars” with Colton in the cast, I’m out.

The Voice, Erin Martin, and Why I Should Be the Judge of All Things

katie ett — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 17:00:44 +0000

Did anyone else see this singer on “The Voice” and feel really, really betrayed by the judges?

They claim that this is a completely new sound, but if you heard (and were annoyed by) Macy Gray in 1999, Erin Martin’s voice shouldn’t seem the least bit exciting to you. And they, the music professionals, should recognize that. Instead, they pressed their buttons in awe, they stood up in their seats, they said things like, “THAT is cool!” She has foot-high hair, a foot-long skirt, and a headband on her forehead. Not. Impressed.

Now, I actually like “different” voices. I love being able to recognize a vocalist. Jack White, Chris Cornell, Andrew Bird, Thom Yorke, Rufus Wainwright, Neil Young, Beck, David Bowie, and of course Adam Levine—these are voices you know in an instant no matter what they’re singing, and I love them all.

Last season on “The Voice”, Dia Frampton was a huge hit with her whispery vocals, and I thought she should’ve won:

The difference is that Dia’s voice sounds genuine. I get really tired of voices that sound “put on”. Like, I can sound exactly like Macy Gray and Erin Martin if I try. By forcing myself to sing with a baby voice while purposely mispronouncing letters.

It’s the same thing with Duffy, Eddie Vedder (although I think I like Pearl Jam because they got to me at an age when I was still an innocent non-hater), and basically every single person who auditioned for “American Idol” this year after of the success of vocal-weirdos Haley Reinhart and Megan Joy Corkrey.

I know different people have different tastes and that Erin Martin will probably do well on “The Voice”, but I wish the judges would just call a baby-voiced spade a spade.

Secret-wish-to-be-a-rockstar-fueled rant complete.

katie ett — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 01:37:56 +0000

Every time they show one of the Real Housewives of New York or New Jersey out to eat, all I can think is, “If you’re making five figures per episode, why are you dining at a restaurant I’ve never heard of?”

Not to be a snob.

They Grow Up So Fast

plumpdumpling — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:00:56 +0000

Along with turning my brain to mush and making me think I might want to do something ridiculous like go to culinary school when I can’t even eat tomatoes, reality TV shows are currently making me question how much of an old lady I am.

It started yesterday afternoon with this woman, Courtney Kerr, when I saw an episode of “Most Eligible Dallas” on Bravo:

As soon as I saw her, I thought, “God, why does Bravo keep doing shows about old people?” But then I realized that their demographic is probably the middle-aged housewife living out in the middle of nowhere (i.e. Dallas) and not the twentysomething wannabe-culturehound living in NYC.

But THEN I saw her age flash across the screen: twenty-nine.

That is what a 29-year-old woman looks like? I was under the impression that this person was in her late 30s or early 40s and had maybe had some work done.

Then I saw the age of another of Dallas’s supposedly most eligible:

Early 40s, right? Or, like, maybe even 60 but with a decent plastic surgeon. But no, she’s TWENTY-THREE! Is that even possible?

Then there are these two from “MasterChef”:

Adrien, 28, and Jennifer, 34. To me, Adrien looks solidly in his 30s, and Jennifer could be Helen Mirren’s slightly younger sister.

I’m not saying any of these people look bad, but none of them look remotely close to the image I have of myself. I know I look older than your average college student, because when I look at girls who are 21 or 22, they look like babies to me. Like, almost to the point that they seem a little gross and unwashed. Maybe a little drooly, even.

But when I look at all of these people, I feel like I’m the baby. Does the camera add ten years in addition to ten pounds, or do I just look like an old lady in my late 20s and not realize it?

“Big Brother” and the Inability to Accept Compliments

plumpdumpling — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 16:00:26 +0000

Like the other 99% of Americans who think “Big Brother” season 13′s Rachel is catty, fake, pathetic, and trainwrecky, I saw right through her ruse about Cassie being a threat and a liar. Cassie is pretty and sweet, and Rachel is pock-faced and bitchy. (When the Head of Household trivia competition revealed that America thinks Porsche’s more likely to steal a man than Rachel is, Kamran said it’s not because Rachel doesn’t want to be a homewrecker but because no other man would ever have her.) (Also, yes, there is a woman on “Big Brother” named after a car.) I was as disappointed as anyone when Cassie was voted off, but I was even more disappointed by her exchange with host Julie Chen in her “reaction” interview:

Cassie did such a great job of not saying, “I am pretty and therefore everyone hated me,” but twice she made fun of herself for not even trying to look good while on the show, and twice when Julie said, “But you still looked gorgeous,” Cassie ignored the compliment. I don’t know why, but that makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t think my parents taught me to duck compliments, but somewhere along the way, I started laughing off or denying most nice things people might say to me. And it seems like it’s that way with a lot of the really talented people I know, too. Kamran, for instance, told me he went to “grad school in New Jersey” on our first date instead of bragging that he got his Ph.D. from Princeton. And my best friend, Tracey, will never tell you that she’s an amazing writer/scrapbooker/singer.

It’s like we all think looking like we all have no self-esteem is favorable to just saying “thank you”. Or maybe we’re all so secretly full of ourselves that we know our answer to any compliment will accidentally be, “I know, right?”

Haha, Remember When Sitcoms Starring Black People Used to Be on Primetime Television?

plumpdumpling — Wed, 11 May 2011 16:00:33 +0000

Remember the 80s sitcom “227” starring Jackée Harry as Sandra and Marla Gibbs as Mary? Well, Kamran and I both grew up watching it, and now he loves to say “Mary” in the way that Jackée used to on the show. Which is of course something more like MAAAAAAAAAAY-ree.

And every time he does it, it CRACKS ME UP. It’s never less funny to me.

So we were on our way to our so-so dinner at Flex Mussels the other night when we spotted this doorway and somehow thought it was so serendipitous:

Of course, as soon as we took it, we realized that there’s a 227 on basically every street in NYC. But still!

The Strange Places Your Favourite 1998 Rockstar Shows Up

plumpdumpling — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 17:00:31 +0000

Kamran’s DVR has been 97% full for weeks now thanks to all of the “Criminal Minds” I’ve been recording from multiple channels, so I try to knock an episode or two or five out whenever I can. This morning while I was getting ready, I pulled up one with an intriguing synopsis about murders coinciding with a rock star’s tour schedule.

It started out with a band covering Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart”, one of the best songs ever, and I thought, “Hey, this is actually pretty good.” The lead singer’s Robert-Smith-esque white face and red lips were a bit copycat-ish for my taste, but his performance was so confident and real-rock-star-like that I couldn’t help but want to see more.

I thought, “How great must it be for this local band to get a break like this?” I thought, “This must be the greatest moment of their lives.”

And then I thought, “Wait, is that Gavin Rossdale?”

Now that I watch it again, it’s so obviously his voice. His perfect, perfect voice. So instead of it being some local band trying to catch a break, it’s actually a completely washed-out former rockstar now relegated to a TV crime drama.

And I couldn’t be happier! Now if only Daniel Johns from silverchair and Matthew Caws from Nada Surf would do episodes of “Law & Order” and “Burn Notice”, my high school lead singer crush trifecta would be complete.

Scotty McCreery as Alfred E. Neuman

plumpdumpling — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 17:15:53 +0000

Watching “American Idol” last night, Kamran and I couldn’t stop talking about how much Scotty McCreery is totally Alfred E. Neuman from Mad.

Right?

“American Idol” is the Only Drama Left in My Life

plumpdumpling — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:00:32 +0000

I kinda don’t have anything to say right now. Kamran’s finished with law school and the bar exam, so we’ve been doing crazy things like

1) going to the 3-Michelin-starred restaurant Kamran swore he wouldn’t take me to until I agreed to eat their signature oysters-and-caviar dish (and I did! (and liked it!!)),

2) driving to see our friend Anthony’s in Long Island with a bunch of other friends so he could make us a real home-cooked Italian meal in a house with a kitchen that’s its own separate room and not just a counter on one side of the living room, and

3) going for weekend walks in secret parts of the city and finding a 100-square-foot (i.e. normal-sized for Manhattan) wine store that happened to carry our favourite wine, the J.J. Prüm Riesling Kabinett Graacher Himmelreich 2008. We’re totally drinking with our preservative-free, microwaveable FreshDirect vegetarian meals now. One of us is drinking out of an actual wine glass that came with Kamran’s apartment (I was under the impression he had purchased wine glasses himself when I first met him and was impressed with how grown up it seemed, despite not actually liking wine), but the other glass broke at some point, so one of us is drinking out of a mug. Classy.

Anyway, life is good, and about the only thing stressing me out right now is deciding if I’m going to watch this season of “American Idol” or not. Obviously I watched all of the auditions, because that’s the only time you actually get to see people with singing talent. By the time you get around to the live show, the judges have weeded out anyone who doesn’t add Christina-Aguilera-ish runs to the end of every song.

I think the only reason I’m even remotely interested in watching this season is to see all the hacks and jerks get kicked off. A handful of the contestants are actually bad: Thia Megia, Tatynisa Wilson, Rachel Zevita, Kendra Chantelle, and Julie Zorrilla. A couple of the contestants are just unlikeable: Clint Jun Gamboa and Jordan Dorsey. There’s the one guy who’s an Adam Lambert ripoff: James Durbin. And most everyone else is just generic.

Here are the only four I care about:

• Brett because he’s a total freak with a voice to match.

• Casey because he scats in a not-annoying way and because he’s what Kamran calls a slobthrob, which is of course a slob who also happens to be a heartthrob.

• Paul because he may legitimately be Rod Stewart.

• Scotty because his voice suits him so little it’s almost cartoonish. He could put out a country album tomorrow and have it sound better than anything out there right now.

I don’t think any of them can actually win, of course, because they’re all too good. Kamran promises me we’ll make it through the season with the help of the trusty fast-forward option on the DVR, but maybe I should make a pact with myself to stop watching once the four of them get kicked off to avoid the pain of having to watch someone like Lee DeWyze win again.

“Criminal Minds”, “NCIS”, and the Case of the Not-Cool Character

plumpdumpling — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 17:00:47 +0000

As you know, I’ve been all over the melodramatic crime dramas lately, and I’m finding myself a little bothered by characters on two shows: Penelope Garcia on “Criminal Minds” and Abby Sciuto on “NCIS”. Both of the women provide technical support and clownish whimsy to their otherwise all-business teams. They’re “alternative” characters, both perpetual teenagers in grown-up bodies. One is a girly-girl who brings trolls and ponies to decorate her desk when she’s working with the NYPD. The other is a goth who needs to be constantly fueled by 32-ounce sodas.

And really, I like that they exist on TV. They’re both super-smart, super-capable women playing invaluable roles on their teams and bringing femininity to their positions in ways that are beneficial rather than weak and detrimental. My problem with them is that they’re alternative in the way that appeals to middle America, alternative in the way out-of-touch TV execs imagine alternative to be. Abby wears black lipstick and spiked cuffs, but she talks with a baby voice, and you kind of picture her listening to Michael Bublé in her downtime. Garcia is brought in on cases where teenage boys need to be talked out of convincing their classmates to hang themselves, but anyone who was 17 fewer than twenty years ago knows no teenager would actually feel a connection to her; they’d think she was trying too hard.

The same goes for her team, who you know wouldn’t give her a second glance outside the office, except possibly to comment snidely on her multicolored hair and too-bright dresses. People really living lifestyles that differ from the norm have a hard time fitting in with the straight-laced set, but these characters are “alt lite”, societally-acceptable enough that your middle-aged viewer doesn’t feel threatened but zany enough that your middle-aged viewer feels a little bit hip quote-unquote knowing them. The problem is that anyone who’s the least bit hip themselves (I’m talking about me here, obviously) is going to see right through the ruse and like the shows less because of it.

What’s interesting is that Garcia also appears on the new spinoff, “Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior”. (It’s like there’s only room for one quirky fat girl on TV at a time.) Meanwhile, Janeane Garofalo, who actually is an alternative badass, plays a super-straight Special Agent in pantsuits and V-necks. Oh, irony.

I Need a Music Video

plumpdumpling — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 17:10:30 +0000

I kind of assume no one’s watching “Saturday Night Live” anymore except when Jesse Eisenberg‘s hosting, so you probably missed this quietly hilarious digital short from Andy Samburg and the Lonely Island boys that’s been stuck in my head all week:

I know that a lot of you get really tickled by turns of phrase like I do, and this one just doesn’t stop being funny to me:

I just had sex
And it felt so good
A woman let me put my penis inside her

I just had sex
And I’ll never go back
To the not-having-sex ways of the past

Plus, the whole singing-on-the-roof of 30 Rock (where Kamran works!) with the Empire State Building in the background thing really appeals to me in how singularly New Yorky it is. Even usually-dumb Akon adds to it with his leather pants! I want to do that, too! To PJ Harvey’s “You Said Something“, obviously. I would of course have some scenes in the light room up there, though (if it even still exists):

Look how young we are!

And how much better-looking Kamran is now!

All I need is the leather pants.

“Lost” is So 2010, Apparently

plumpdumpling — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 17:00:05 +0000

Yesterday, I wore the t-shirt my best friend, Tracey, got me for Christmas with the Dharma Initiative logo from “Lost” on it

where the Dharma in the center is replaced with an outline of the state of Ohio, and not a single person so much as commented on it.

Tracey and I both know it’s basically nonsensical, but still. WHY HAVE I CHOSEN ALL THE WRONG FRIENDS?

Brokelyn

plumpdumpling — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 17:00:47 +0000

I know it’s reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal cool and all for Manhattanites to never leave the island, but on the “Millionaire Matchmaker” where the Cute Indie Gay Dude says to the Old Boring Gay Dude in Shorts (OBGDIS), “I live in Greenpoint; do you know where that is?” and it turns out the OBGDIS has never left Chelsea, I want to punch him in his old Botoxed face.

It’s like saying you don’t know where Montana is. It’s like, as Kamran always says, the way people talk about being bad at math like it’s cute or something. But OBGDIS had also never seen “Antiques Roadshow”, so screw ‘im.

The TV Understands Me: NYC Commercials That are Too True

plumpdumpling — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 16:00:37 +0000

Somewhere out there, there’s a small town that wants you back.

I remind myself of this and then go look at the Facebook profiles of all of my now fat, married, and childrened hometown friends every time I find myself complaining about life in NYC.

This video is also amazing but unfortunately has embedding disabled. It shows exactly what it’s like trying to hail a cab in a city where every man is out for himself.

Booty POP!

plumpdumpling — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 16:00:32 +0000

Dear makers of Booty Pop padded underwear,

I feel that I would be remiss in my duties to my loyal readers if I didn’t try your product and post a detailed review here. You know what it was that won me over? The fact that your sizes are listed as Extra Sweet, Sweet, Sweeter, Sweetest, and Super-Sweet.

My boyfriend and I are concerned, based on the commercial, that Booty Pop will make my already-perfect assets look unnatural, but I’m willing to give them a try. You know, in the name of science.

Booty-lovingly yours,
Katie

Deadliest Catch Premiere Party YES YES YES

plumpdumpling — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:00:46 +0000

I’m not alone in thinking that “Deadliest Catch” is the greatest show on television, right? I remember accidentally stumbling onto a marathon of it on the Discovery channel with Kamran one Sunday and being like, “Surely there’s nothing compelling about this show.” And then eight hours later, we were unable to leave the apartment to get dinner because we were too wrapped up in it.

I just love the competition between the captains and imagining how lonely it must be for them as they sit up in the cabin away from the rest of the crew, watching their boats getting trapped in the Arctic ice and watching their deckhands risk their lives just so I can eat some crab. As someone who comes from a farming family, this is the kind of work I respect. I mean, just look at the opening credits. I don’t want you mistaking me for a prissy Bon Jovi fan or anything, but I can’t think of a better song to introduce these guys with. And look how serious they are!

Anyway, I got an e-mail from the Tropicana Casino & Resort in Atlantic City yesterday saying it’s going to have a party for this season’s premiere on April 13th with Russell Newberry from the Time Bandit and the Wizard hosting and signing autographs. There’s also going to be a NASCAR car there, which makes me think that perhaps I’m not the party’s target audience–although it isn’t like I don’t come from NASCAR country originally–but OMG, I have to go to this.

Guess Who’s Going to See a Taping of the Emeril Show

plumpdumpling — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:00:33 +0000

Me. Tomorrow.

I’m bringing my friend Beth, who hopes we have to take a shot every time he says “BAM”!

Does this Emeril appear freakishly young to anyone else?

I Would Chide You for Using Sports to Escape from Your Pathetic Life, but You Know I Do the Same Thing with Reality Television

plumpdumpling — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:30:57 +0000

I do not care about the Super Bowl. Aside from backyard basketball games involving the word horse, I think sports are pretty stupid. Especially professional ones.

I went to a Super Bowl party last night, though, and I went all the way to Jersey for it. And by “all the way”, I mean that I took a bus 15 minutes to my friend Jeff’s apartment, but I couldn’t use my MetroCard to pay the bus fare, so it seemed like a big deal. I did watch the game, unexpectedly, and I casually cheered for the Colts simply because Indianapolis is much closer to my hometown in Ohio than New Orleans is.

And also because I thought all of the pregame crap about how much a win would mean to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina–which happened five years ago, people–was unnecessarily sentimental and trying to make a story arc where one wasn’t needed. It’s a football game, and its outcome has nothing to rebuilding a city and everything to do with giving the kind of people who stand behind on-air newscasters and scream and show off their replica team jerseys an excuse to get drunk and light things on fire.

Anyway. I found the bidet in Jeff’s roommmate’s bathroom about a hundred times more interesting than most of the Super Bowl commercials, but there was one that really pulled at my heartstrings, and no, it wasn’t the Budweiser one with the Clydesdale and the cow. It was, oddly, a promo for the NFL itself, telling its fans how much better they are than are than NHL and MLS fans:

Funny what a little well-placed Arcade Fire song can do.

Unapologetically Mundane » a taste for tv

No “Game of Thrones” Spoilers Contained Within

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Amar’e Stoudemire’s Battle of the Bulge

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Brokelyn

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