I’m about as useful an unemployed person as you thought I’d be. The other day, I met for tea with a friend who recently quit her job when her manager told her she was being put on probation for not being able to handle the four-other-people’s-work they had thrown at her, and she told me I need to do something great with my time that I wouldn’t do if I was employed, like volunteer or take up yoga. I’m obviously not equipped to, like, even be in the same room as homeless people who need to be fed, so I did 15 minutes of yoga on my Wii Fit and called it a day.
I wanted to be one of those people who continues to wake up at 7 a.m. to shower and get dressed so I can be in front of my computer from 9 to 5, applying for jobs like it’s my job. But from about Day 2, I fell into my natural cycle, which is going to bed at 4 a.m. and forcing myself to get up at 11 so I don’t accidentally sleep through an entire day and end up a vampire. I’ve been going into my old office to work on my resume and cover letters because all of my old friends are still there, and they’ve been saying really helpful things to me like, “Before I got this job, I counted up how many resumes I’d sent out, and it was over 80. And that was back when the economy was GOOD, so . . .” I decided with Ellie‘s help to try to get into the social media space since that’s basically where I am all day long no matter what I’m actually getting paid for, so I’m in the process of trying to convince someone, anyone, that my fifteen years of blogging will totally translate to killing it when it comes to managing their brand’s online presence. Everyone says I’ll eventually get a job through one of my friends, so get on it, loyal readers.
Here’s what I’ve been doing when not applying for six whole jobs:
• Going on long walks through my neighborhood to gather materials to pump up my Instagram feed, because I’m THAT DEDICATED to social media and would be really, really good at it career-wise.
• Immediately turning on “The Hills” on MTV when I wake up, despite it being fully available on Netflix and despite my actually having every season on my computer from when I thought I wanted to watch it years ago because I really loved “Laguna Beach” and don’t care who knows. MTV was promising this alternate ending to the series that I just couldn’t resist. And then I slept through it.
• Purposely going out on our roof deck to get skin cancer. I really like my Puerto Rico semi-tan, okay? And there were so many other people out there doing the same thing, and I wanted to yell at all of them that they were killing themselves.
• Cooking my meals at home, eating low-carb, and saving money half of the time but then spending the other half of the time with my friends at all of the restaurants Kamran and I didn’t get around to before he left and dropping $100 at every meal like I still have a job. But donuts4dinner lives, and my first review since the break was basically quoted in full by Eater, so that’s pretty hott.
from the night Andrew, Jack, Chantee, and I met Nik and Anthony for dinner at The Marrow
• Watching four seasons of “Breaking Bad” with my roommate/landlord/former co-worker/friend, Jack, that result in fights about whether or not Walt is an inherently bad person that result in us going to bed mad that result in apology emails the next day.
• Going to see Pacific Rim in 3D with Jack, Nik, and Chris on a Sunday morning so we could get matinee prices. It was Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots punching aliens in the ocean as envisioned by Guillermo del Toro and was exactly what you’d expect it to be. Meaning tons of plot holes, but who the eff cares.
• Also seeing Sound of My Voice (compelling!), For a Good Time, Call . . . (why don’t I become a phone sex operator with my BFF instead of getting a real job?!), Trouble with the Curve (terrible, awful, the worst thing ever), “Masterchef UK: The Professionals” (the best cooking competition show I’ve ever seen and makes all American cooking competition shows seem silly), Captain America (sure, okay), The Avengers (yeah, absolutely), Thor (NO!), Wreck-It Ralph (totally cute despite my innate disdain for children’s things), Oblivion (meh), and The Place Beyond the Pines (DRAMA).
• Hanging out with Kim nonstop since she and I are the only unmarried people in all of NYC.
I like that it looks like maybe Kim and I were at an art gallery here, but this is in the hallway of my apartment building on the way to get buffalo chicken quesadillas.
• Really, really desperately needing to be kissed but dreading absolutely everything else about going on dates.
• NBD, GUYS, JUST EATING A CRONUT MADE BY MY FRIEND ASH IN CENTRAL PARK.
It’s a croissant and a doughnut and is everything you want it to be. No, more.
Okay, there’s a lot more to talk about, but I have to go take a shower. At 2:25 in the afternoon. And by “have to”, I mean “totally don’t have to, because I’m unemployed”.