The Ten Greatest Things I’ve Ever Done

Filed under narcissism

The Ten Greatest Things I’ve Ever Done, Chronologically

• Managed to find the most perfect best friend for me and love her immutably for nearly 30 years

• Came in second to said best friend in both of our elementary school spelling bees (losing on the words convertible and monstrous, and she’s such a good best friend that she never brings up how much better she is than me) but went on to win basically everything ever in school after that

• Loved my mom through her year-long battle with brain cancer–during which she lost the ability to speak, write, and eventually even recognize her family–but came out of the ordeal being much closer to my dad

• Spent an extra year at The Ohio State University to write a senior thesis in narrative nonfiction about my feeeeeeeeeelings

• Moved to NYC with one box of possessions and $3,000 to my name and made it WORK

• Won a poetry contest based on a six-word piece about my mom’s meatloaf

• Learned to appreciate the farm in Ohio that I came from

• Somehow cultivated amazing taste in food/music/film/fashion despite growing up on said farm

• Started a photography business on nothing but the love of it and the support of my ex-boyfriend

• Cut my hair super-short before leaving for vacation in Puerto Rico last week. The haircut is really the entire purpose of this post. It was such a good decision that the rest of my accomplishments pale.

You? Tell me in the comments, or better yet, on your own blog.


  1. Serial says:

    Why are there not photos of this haircut?? (I mean, I saw a few, but I want angles)

    Also, I basically have one great big brag that I’m sure I’ve already dropped on you. I also won first place in a poetry contest. That was judged by Margaret Atwood.

    But I’m sure your poem was really good.

  2. thickcrust says:

    I’m much more interested in “The Ten Most Horrible Things I’ve Ever Done” post. Let me know when that’s up.

  3. Cassie says:

    I learned how to drive stick shift so I could then teach all the boys in high school how to do the same.

    My cool quotient went way up, I tell ya.

  4. Erin says:

    I love it! And agree with everyone that we need photos.

  5. Tracey says:

    How did being the principal euphonium player in your high school wind ensemble not make the list?!

    Also, I forgot to tell you that I’m PUMPED about this haircut.

    And that I love you forever. WIRES, man. Wires.

  6. caropal says:

    Want to hate you but can’t help loving you.


  7. Ash says:

    I don’t think I can even make 10 in a list like this! They’d probably all have something to do with food. I didn’t know you played the euphonium, Mike used to play that. He still has one.

  8. bluzdude says:

    Can I just say that “euphonium” sounds like one of those mood-altering drugs where two thirds of the commercial is made up of side effects and warnings?

  9. If I knew how to count to 10 that would definitely make my list. The knowing how to count to 10 part, I mean.

  10. Kelly Powell says:

    You’re such a badass.

    But I’m really, really gonna need pics of the new haircut.

  11. Jessica R. says:

    What about starting this blog? That has to make the top 10! Also, I need photos of the hair.

  12. Lisa says:

    You can’t mention a new haircut as one of the greatest things you’ve ever done and not include a photo.

    Starting my business would make the list. And right now I’m feeling pretty accomplished because I picked out glasses that look a lot like Alex’s from Orange is the New Black, before I even started watching the show. Obviously I have great taste.