I know you’ve been thinking about my well-being every moment of every day since I announced the year-in-the-making Great KamKat Breakup of 2013, and I want to assure you that I’m doing fine. Much better than expected. Terrific, really. I don’t want to say that I’m flourishing, exactly, because that somehow implies that Kamran was holding me back, and on the contrary, I think it was he who set me up to flourish: there’s a certain kind of confidence that comes with having been loved so hard for six years. When I visited my family last week to shoot my first wedding, my stepmom sent me home with a card that told me she and my dad were really worried about me in the days leading up to Kamran’s leaving but that I’ve handled myself “beautifully”. That was meaningful.
Before he moved back to California, I wrote in my journal that “the cons associated with Kamran’s leaving are too immense to even begin to list. My life is about to change in just about every way I can think of, and even the things that are staying the same will be affected.” And it’s true that my life has changed, but it doesn’t feel nearly as melodramatic and bleak as I expected. Granted, it’s only been a little over a month since he left, and my feelings may be different when I decide to date again and find that the only available men are finance guys who didn’t get married in their 20s because they were busy “working hard and playing harder”, and by that I of course mean “sleeping around”.
But so far, here are the pros to “being alone”, and by that I of course mean “not dating Kamran but still being surrounded by the love of my friends and family”:
• I’m now actually living in the apartment I’ve been paying rent on for the past two and a half years. All of my things are in one place for the first time in six years.
• The subways that converge at my apartment are as follows: A, B, C, F, G, N, Q, R, 2, 3, 4, 5. I never have to be annoyed at having to go to the West Village or Tribeca, because everywhere is convenient now.
• My roommate is great. The time we spend together doing the mundanest things somehow feels important.
• I have an oven to bake in instead of just a two-burner stovetop. I haven’t baked anything, but I can, goddammit.
• I have a freezer to store ice cream in. Do you know what six years without a quart of ice cream in your home at all times is like? DEATH.
• I have a gigantic 3-D TV and six seasons of “The Sopranos” on HBO Go.
• I have a memory foam mattress and can take up as much space in bed as I want to. Sleeping in the center of it feels like life’s greatest luxury.
• I can order whatever I want for dinner. And if that’s Indian four times a week, no one cares.
• I buy the toilet paper I want to. I have my own bathroom. All of the cabinets are filled with girl stuff. I am a princess.
• My commute to work is one subway stop. One.
• No one will give me a hard time about my low-carb diet. Butter on my omelet! Pizza toppings!
• I can do my laundry once a week or once a month.
• I can go to the gym or not go to the gym.
• I can take up totally random hobbies. Archery!
• I can stay out late on Friday nights with my friends and not have to worry about having anyone to get home to.
• I can wake up the next day whenever I want. I can stay locked in my room that day until 1 p.m., and no one will pretend to clean up around me just to make noise so I’ll get up before I’m ready.
• I can do a photoshoot that afternoon and then go out for dinner without feeling like I have to ask anyone permission.
• I can stay up that night until the sun comes up listening to music, or I can go to bed at 10 p.m.
• I can kiss boooooys.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m enjoying being an independent lady. The great thing is that I have so much time to do anything I want to now, and there’s no one waiting at home for me making me feel guilty about seeing my friends too much.
Let’s forget about the fact that when there’s someone waiting at home for you, there’s nothing you want to do more than sit at home with that person.
17 Comments
Love this list. Especially the room for ICE CREAM!
It’s like you read my mind about how much I worried.
I’m glad you can now kill things with pointy sticks.
I’m so glad you’re handling the transition so well – wait, no not handling well, I mean EMBRACING IT! There is something to be said for having no one in the world waiting for you, expecting anything from you, and generally keeping you “in check.” Now is the time to sow those wild oats, baby – and by sowing those oats I of course mean baking cookies and taking up roller derby. Love ya!
XOXO
Now I want to be you. Except for the kissing boys part…
Independence is a grand thing. You missed some of it before… now you get to revel in it!
I have so many thoughts on this. But I feel like they’re about me and not about you (as in: TIME ALONE??? DREAMY). Well, they’re about me and not about you even more my comments usually are.
I was wondering how you were doing and I’m pleased for you that you are doing just fine. Completely off topic, but if you and your friends go to Avalon this summer, please let me know so we can arrange an IRL meeting if we’re in Stone Harbor at the same time.
The WHOLE BED to yourself!!!
And I want a picture of you doing archery.
I -have- been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing with the big life change. I’m a mom person, it’s what we do about the girls we’ve watched grow up.
I know it’s harder than you let on but I like how you’re embracing the freedom part. Good on you honey.
xo ~ Lori
If you have HBO now, watch Summer Heights High and thank me later.
I want you to do all (or at least most) of these things, and the next time you find someone, it’ll be someone who totally agrees with/supports you, or wants to do those things with you. Until then, GET IT, GURL.
<3
Your roommate asked me to post his list of “pros” of no longer having a RINO (roommate in name only):
from your roommate, who was enjoying a peaceful, quiet and generously subsidized home for the last 2 1/2 years.
* I can look back on 2 1/2 years of generously subsidized housing and remember how peaceful and quiet my life used to be.
* I have someone to remind me about all of the things that I, as a decent landlord, really should get fixed.
* I experience the surprise of noticing that someone enjoys the hot pockets that I bought with my hard earned money and was never asked to share.
* I get to pretend like I don’t take my laundry to my parents’ house to get cleaned.
There’s more, but I had to stop. It was making me sad.
I deny ever making such a request, but approve of the list. Furthermore, I see nothing here that should make one sad, except for, maybe, my parents.
Okay.
So… I’m supposed to break the arrow off right above the surface of the wound (I’m not supposed to try pull it out myself, right)?
As a 39 year old grumpy old man, I have NEVER felt compelled to wish a complete stranger some words of advice/wisdom. But I found this blog through your pant-wettingly good donuts site and read about your break up with ol-whats-his-face. Your writings make you instantly likeable and I really was heartbroken for you. So I am here to give you 3 nuggets of “wisdom”.
1) Fuck him right in the ear.
2) This too shall pass.
3) Don’t ever love anyone more than you love yourself.
I know a ton of your friends have told you that “everything happens for a reason” and “time heals all wounds”. It may sound like total crap, but they are totally right. Lots can happen when you least suspect it. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be happily married and have a baby I would have laughed in your face. I was a drunk fornacating machine that never had a girlfriend longer than 3 months and I frankly enjoyed it. Then I met my wife at a party and, boom, all I wanted to do was build a life with her.
Take care and post more on your donuts site for crying out loud.
Random hobbies! Hooray about the one-stop commute!
Don’t forget True Blood! For the first time since the show started, I don’t have HBO, so of course I’m hijacking my aunt’s account to watch season 6.
And I’m with Jessica — I expect archery photos now.
I remember with amazing clarity one Saturday morning when I was single. It wasn’t long before I met The Guy, actually. It was 10:00 in the morning or so, and I decided to take a bubble bath in the garden tub that was by far the most fabulous feature of my last apartment before I got married. Anyway, I was luxuriating in all the hot water the heater could produce and an obscene amount of bubbles, and I actually had the thought, “I’m really going to enjoy this, because the day may come when I might not get to do this anymore.” About a year later, I got married, and roughly 14 months after that, I had a baby, and whaddya know, lengthy mid-morning bubble baths are, indeed, a thing of the past.
Have lots and lots of those moments. And lots and lots of hot water and bubbles, while you’re at it.