I really love you all and your righteous indignation. I didn’t even know I had that many troops to rally when I wrote that last post. I have to admit, though, that I was surprised by your comments. I thought I had written this touching tribute to my glorious, near-perfect-until-he-decided-he-didn’t-,-you-know-,-want-to-be-with-me-anymore, possibly-never-to-be-matched relationship with a person who in many ways completely changed my life. My food blog exists because of him. My camera and half of my lenses exist because of him. I conquered parts of this city I didn’t even know existed because of him. I feel like I’m a better person because of our relationship, that I grew and came out ahead of where I started back in 2006.
Yes, I’ve had the melodramatic “I wasted the best years of my life with him!” talk with myself a couple of times over the past year, because it is a little scary to think that all of the other sensitive lawyers with PhDs and interesting cultures have been snatched up in the time I was hanging out with this noncommittal one. But I’ve never been one of those girls who wanted to be married at 25 so I could have all my kids by 30 and then spend the rest of my life living vicariously through them. My time with him wasn’t wasted, because I:
a) really fucking enjoyed it.
b) have all the time in the world do all of the boring crap you guys want me to with some other, lamer person.
Just kidding about that last part. But seriously, I didn’t make a mistake by staying with him after he told me he was leaving, and I’m not dumb, and I wasn’t mistreated, and anyone would be lucky to have the kind of relationship we had for those first five and a half years. And I don’t have Stockholm Syndrome, you bastards!
My friend Noel wrote me an email that said, “Well to me it’s hard to read and think about because it’s sort of like someone being terminally ill: you know they are going to die and yeah maybe it would be easier/better/smarter to just stop your relationship with them immediately, but then you’d miss all that sucking-the-marrow-out-of-life stuff.” I hadn’t likened the last year of my relationship with Kamran to the last year of my mom’s life, but they’re similar. I knew she was going to die of brain cancer, and it was hard to be with her and forget that, but it would have been so much worse to miss out on the time with her. And after agonizing over her impending death for a year, when she finally did go, I had dealt with it.
I know that Kamran chose this for us, unlike my mom, and maybe that’s why I feel like I’ve had an easier time dealing with things. I’m not crying, and I don’t feel lost at sea. I feel like I’ve had closure and can move forward with only positive feelings toward Kamran. It’s not that I’m not bothered by the fact that he wanted something new after six years, and I don’t want to give anyone permission to walk on me, but I’m too thankful for what we had to be mad. That would be the real waste of my time.
So thank you for being angry at him so I don’t have to be.
14 Comments
What’s the company who has the motto: “We work hard, so you don’t have to”? Because that’s us.
You’re welcome! ;) That was a very thoughtful comparison to your mom’s situation.
Not saying this is a good thing, but when I have a choice between sorrow and rage, I will ALWAYS choose rage. I mean, sorrow hurts; rage feels GOOD, like a cut on your lip that you can’t keep your tongue away from because in a way, it feels good to make it hurt.
I’m glad you’re not angry. As good as anger feels, it’s unproductive, and you’re right – in the final analysis, your life IS much better now than it was six and a half years ago.
But I’m still pissed at him.
I share your “whoa that’s a lot of rage” response to the comments about Kamran. And there’s a part of me that wonders if it’s because I’ve had some time to process (I feel like I was more mad when I first found out). A
Because, as I told Kinard yesterday, if B had told me that he didn’t want me to come with him to South Carolina, I don’t think I would have broken up with him. Granted, we hadn’t been together anywhere nearly as long, but still. I get that, “well, that sucks, that’s sad. But I want to appreciate what we’ve got while it’s here” impulse.
Also, between the little bit of time I’ve spent with Kamran and mostly just knowing him through you, I really don’t think he’s an asshole. I don’t think he’s selfish, any more than we all have the right to be. Really, we all have the right to end relationships whether or not we can justify it. We’re not required to stay together forever. I mean, aren’t our non-marriage partnerships like at-will employment? Any party can end it with or without cause.
And, I’ve also said this before (as has Dan Savage), but: Any relationship that does not end in death (would people like him less or more if you’d gotten married/had kids?) is not a failure.
“And I don’t have Stockholm Syndrome, you bastards!” The best.
Ahh, Katie dear. Your writing and insights into your life are so incredible and deep. I feel privileged to be a witness, albeit an electronic one, to your reflections. Three points I wish to present:
1) I’m pretty much old enough to be your mother (age 54) and you can call me, FB chat/message me, or email me any time you want to. I have plenty of mothering left in me that my own two girls have not depleted. It would be a privilege just to listen. I can not take the place of your missing mother but am willing to attempt to be a substitute!
2) I had my first daughter at age 30, my second at age 35. You have not missed a window of opportunity at all and you haven’t wasted your youth. You had so many wonderful experiences, most of which I haven’t had, and they are priceless. You have plenty of time to add to the world’s population and to experience parenthood. There are many options available.
3) You and your eloquent commenters have expressed such insightful ideas on selfishness, staying together, etc. I will just rage, (for your sake), against Kamran’s narcissism because my ex was also a very decent human being, but a narcissist just the same. You can retain the good memories and good feelings about him and all that you learned/gained from your years together. Leave the raging to your groupies.
Sorry for the knee-jerk response, but if someone hurts our friend, we just want to know where he is and whether he locks his windows.
Metaphorically, of course.
I don’t think anyone thought that your post was designed to incite anger, nor that you were stupid or desperate for staying with him. I think the thing that seemed to trigger the response you received was your very diplomatic outlining of his reasons behind the split. (Your food-focused relationship being the reason that he wasn’t an Adonis (i.e. thinner, I assume) absolutely ENRAGED me. And still does. Take some responsibility for yourself, jerkface.) (Okay, I won’t call him jerkface anymore. But that comment was jerkface-esque.)
Most relationships end, in one way or another. I’m sad that one ended that you seemed to quite enjoy, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. But I’m very happy that you had the experiences you did with him, and grew in all kinds of ways with him. (I am totally bummed that I didn’t get to NYC before this happened so you could spoil me at a fancy dinner. Alas!)
I am, and always will be, Team Katie. (THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT.)
Aw, yay!
I’ve got a feeling that, from here on out, this is going to play out in one of several different ways:
1. You will reveal that there is no Kamran, and there never was one, that you’ve fabricated the whole relationship. Then you’ll get caught up in honesty and admit that Shake Shack is an over-hyped sham and that White Castle sells the undisputed finest hamburgers in NYC.
2. You haven’t broken up with Kamran, and that your observant readers will recognize that your posts on this topic contain key phrases from some obscure indie band from the late 90s which, when deciphered, spell out “just playin’, y’all!”
Once you reveal this, many of your “less saavy” readers will feel betrayed, and swear never to read your blog again. This only makes your remaining readers feel even MORE special.
3. I start up a new blog where I continue your relationship as if it hasn’t ended. It’s amusing to you, until it isn’t. And you start to get really creeped out by how I know things about you that you’ve never told me.
Come and visit me in SoKo! We can eat Korean BBQ and ride public transportation.
Sorry, Kamran has to go to NoKo, but it’s a good place to get skinny.
I still stand by my offer to share a tub of frosting. But…I’m pretty certain that may have happened no matter what your relationship status is.
ALSO. This is kind of a weird thing to say, and this IN NO WAY means I am at all unhappy in my relationship, but I’m a little envious that you will get to experience the rush of a first date and a first kiss again someday.
Ok, first off, I had to pause for a bit, because while I knew your mother had passed away a long time ago, I had no idea it was because of brain cancer. My dad also passed away from brain cancer, at the ripe old age of 40, when I was just 15. He had glioblastoma multiforme. Like you, I do remember waiting for the end, knowing it was coming, and still not wishing for the separation that I knew was inevitable, even though in my case, my father was severely debilitated by the disease, and was for the most part, like a child in his last year of life.
Whew, that was ugly. Moving on.
I didn’t take your last post to be bitter at all. I thought it more reminiscent of a really good relationship that you’re obviously sad to lose, but that you look back on with nothing but fond memories. I also don’t see Kamren as an asshole for doing what he did. in fact, he gave you a big heads up, and continued to be with you for as long as you were willing to be with him, until that inevitable moment you both knew was coming. It makes me sad that he changed his mind about your relationship, as I thought you were Jenny to his Forest. But, alas, the last thing you want, is to be in a relationship for good, where the other person just doesn’t love you the way you deserve and want to be loved.
I always wish my ex-husband had just told me he didn’t love me, instead of stringing me along for 2 years, cheating on me behind my back. He was a coward for what he did, and wasted my time, leading me along. Of course, he treated me like shit in the process, so I should have just had the self-respect to kick him to the curb much sooner than I did. I remember after that break-up being very upset that he “wasted the best years of my life”, because at the time, I was 24, and I felt as if I were an old maid, and that all the “good ones” were taken. What a joke.
And Katie, you’re still so young. We don’t feel like it now (I’m 35 and feel ancient), but it’s all about perspective. Think of your future 45-year-old self, and what it would say to you. You’ve barely reached your prime. There’s plenty of time – of course!
And you’re right – you didn’t waste those years. You enjoyed the shit out of those years. And you did it with someone who was your best friend. You’ve got the right attitude about it all. I think you’re going to be just fine.
::hugs::
That Stockholm Syndrome line was hilarious! I totally did a spit-take with my Coke. So, you know… I hate to be a prick about this, but, um… you owe me… like… a nickel now. But I won’t charge you any interest, or anything, because I’ll always be a fan.