This is the story about how I got half broken up with a year ago by my boyfriend of six and a half years but chose to stay with him because I’m:
1) a sap.
2) very loyal.
3) kind of pathetic?
For me, there’s never been any question of Kamran and me moving to California. I knew from almost the beginning of our relationship back in September of 2006 that he eventually planned to take his career closer to his family in Orange County. Yes, it’d mean leaving all of these friends I feel so lucky to have made, but I’m really, really charming and knew I could make more. Yes, it’d mean leaving the job that I love, but I knew I could find another to suit me. Yes, it’d mean being even farther from my family in Ohio, but I was willing to work hard to see them as often as I do now. Yes, it’d mean leaving NYC long before I felt “finished” with it, but I could justify that, too. I would have to drive (dreadful), but I could sing at the top of my lungs in the car again. I’d have to live in a house (scary), but maybe I could have a pool. I couldn’t eat at Michelin-starred restaurants every weekend (DEATH), but I could finally cook at home in a place with more than just the stovetop and half-fridge in Kamran’s studio.
I pictured us living near Laguna Beach, where he grew up, and being close enough to walk to the water every day. I pictured loving my hair and skin every day the way I have in summers past when we’ve visited his parents and there’s been no humidity. I pictured not having to use air-conditioning and living in linen pants and finally being relaxed in a way I haven’t since moving here almost eight years ago.
But one night last spring, Kamran and I were walking to our favourite sandwich shop, and he told me that he was going to renew the lease on his apartment even though he was sure he wouldn’t be here another full year. I asked, “Oh, is it going to be that soon? And were you going to mention it to me?” He said, “Oh, did you want to move with me?” And I was like, ” . . .”
Because why wouldn’t I want to move with him? We fell in love almost accidentally–I had seen his picture before our date and didn’t think he was right for me but decided I should at least try to be friends with him and then swooned the moment we actually met, and he said at first that he wanted to keep dating other girls but changed his mind as soon as I went on a date with someone else–but I thought that if there was such a thing as fate, we would be the proof to that theorem. We just got along SO WELL. We liked the same kind of music and movies, dancing around his apartment, walking around the city for hours, and cuddling to the point that people would vomit if they knew even an inkling of how much time we spent wrapped up together in his Murphy bed. He introduced me to fine dining and made me try a world of food I either didn’t know existed or thought I didn’t like. We liked different TV (me, reality shows; him, adult cartoons), but we compromised so much that he eventually found himself loving “Survivor”, and I eventually found myself watching “South Park” even without him. We found the same things funny and remarked over and over again about how no one else would ever laugh at them. I thought–and I’m sure every really in love person thinks this, so don’t be offended–that no couple in the world was as perfectly-matched as we were. We were brainy. We were cute. We were creative. We were driven to do different but complimentary things: he was the focused one who worked hard and made all of our weekend fun possible; I was the easy-going one who made friends he got along with just as well as I did. Neither of us liked to eat the ends of pickles. Neither of us understood people who cut in line at the bus stop. Neither of us had ever known what love was until we met.
When people asked why we didn’t get married or insinuated that our relationship was somehow less important than theirs because rings weren’t involved, I didn’t have to be hurt by it, because I thought we were above all of that. I didn’t have to try to coerce him into marriage, because I wasn’t insecure. I thought ours was the purest kind of love, because it wasn’t forced. It had nothing to do with children, finances, or housing. We paid for separate apartments but spent all of our time together by choice. We basically lived in a 250-square-foot studio for six years straight and never got tired of each other.
Here are the reasons Kamran names for breaking up with me:
• He never intended when he met me to have found his final girlfriend.
• He wants to be a bronzed glamourboy and doesn’t think he can be fit and chiseled in the context of our food-dependent relationship.
• He’s not ready for the commitment that comes with moving in together, and I insisted that if I follow him across the country, we should finally officially live together.
• He thinks it’s normal for couples to break up in the midst of a relationship for no reason other than to date other people. He thinks, but is not sure that, his sister and her husband did that and then got back together and got married, and that seems normal and correct to him.
• He wants to meet new people who can introduce him to new ideas. He actually told me years ago that he expected for us to eventually get bored of each other and break up in order to be exposed to different people, and I somehow just thought he was being coy.
He says those are the only reasons. He says he doesn’t expect to find anyone better-suited to him and that he has no complaints about me. Part of me really, truly believes that he loves me and thinks that our relationship was as special as I do, which is the thing that’s keeping me from being mad at him. Not that I haven’t been mad at him. In the last year, knowing that he could pick up and leave at any time, I’ve thought about how I sat at home with him weekend after weekend for years while he studied for law school instead of going to friends’ parties and concerts and happy hours. I could’ve had those six and a half years with a boyfriend who came home from work at 6 instead of 9 and had time to take me to dinner not just on the weekends. I could’ve been with someone who liked vacations and had time to visit my family with me. I could’ve been with someone who went to Hamptons or the Jersey shore just once with my friends and me. I could’ve been with someone who put me ahead of his job just once without my asking.
I’ve also been sad about this. It’s hard thinking that I might’ve spent some of the best years of my life with someone who didn’t feel the same way for me that I did for him. I grew up in a town where none of the boys were like me and waited 25 years to finally find someone worth loving, and then I did, and it was even better than I thought it’d be, so even though some of my friends encouraged me to break up with Kamran before he could break up with me during this last year of waiting and wondering, I held on and decided to enjoy it as much as I could. It didn’t feel stupid or self-disrespecting because he made it feel too special. We had an AWESOME last year together.
Yes, it sucked when he accepted a new job in California last summer and had to keep deferring it to spend more time here. Yes, it sucked being on edge for twelve months, never knowing exactly how much or how little time we had together. It sucked not being able to blog about my feelings because it felt embarrassing to announce that we were breaking up one day and then continue to write about all of our sappy adventures as a super-in-love couple the next. It sucked feeling like I should definitely, definitely be crying all of the time but not letting myself because it felt like wasting time when time was precious. It sucked that I was so exhausted by my emotions during the whole debacle that I was almost relieved when he left just because at least I finally knew. I never wanted my first love to end not with a bang but a whimper, you know?
But we also did it all this past year. We took walks to the waterfront park on Beekman nearly every weekend, stopped caring about how small his apartment was and invited people over, rode the Roosevelt Island tram so many times, chewed each other’s arms to the nubs, tried the Doritos Locos Tacos, admired the Chrysler Building from his window, butter-basted our first steaks at home, played in the snow, ate so many Michelin stars, karaoked, introduced friends to Um Segredo and the Momofukus and Tocqueville and so many others, held hands on the subway, learned about wine and cheese and by that I mean ate a lot of it, chose the loser of every reality show within the first ten seconds of the episode, woke up at 5:45 a.m. to go to the gym, played the game where he would tuck me in at night and I would kick the covers off so he’d have to do it again, and created an Excel spreadsheet detailing our plans for every day of his last month here so we could be sure to live it to the fullest. And we did. And I’ll never forget it.
44 Comments
At least you can take simple solace in the fact that after yet another Orange County trollop leaves spike heel puncture marks in his heart, he’ll always remember that you were The One That Got Away, as he gazes forlornly into the sunset.
Oh good. Because the last post didn’t ACTUALLY make me cry.
Am I awful if I say that he sounds like an incredibly narcissistic douche for using you for his own enjoyment and convenience for the past year? You deserve someone who thinks you are, indeed, the greener grass.
That said, I hope all of your male friends who have been secretly crushing on you for the past six-and-a-half years will make themselves known immediately.
I’m going to need a “Like” button for this comment.
^Ditto.
Agreed. You will fine someone in your life who does not have an exit strategy.
You said it, foodiemom!
Bravo! Agreed! Dude missed his chance at great love and will regret it. I’m hoping for the guy-friends who have been crushing on you for years.
This is really the most beautifully sad thing I’ve read in a very long time. Well, other than The Glass Menagerie which we finished in class yesterday and I literally had to force myself not to weep openly. But your breakup is really similar to Tennessee Williams’ masterpiece in many ways.
Also, because I am always interested in the nuances of personal blogging, I’d love to know if you asked Kamran’s permission to blog this, or are you just a single lady who doesn’t give a flip?
Oh, wow. This is beautiful and honest and sad and you are a really wonderful writer. Why aren’t you one of those bloggers who gets a book deal instead of those girls who are self-described experts at putting trinkets on their coffee tables?
And in other news, I am presently enraged on your behalf after reading the reasons list despite already having heard (most of) them.
That, too.
^ this, times a million.
MmmHmm…
R.I.P. Kam Kat.
I agree with everything Serial, Kim and the others say! You need to get a book deal, I agree.
You are a beautiful person, Katie, and it definitely comes across in your writing. I have always applauded your honesty and ability to write thoughtful and witty things, but also write about things that so few are brave enough to write about.
I’m lucky to know you.
Meanwhile, I’m going to be in LA for work in about a week. I really feel like kicking some Persian ass while I’m down there.
This still makes me angry. And sad. And angry. (My feelings haven’t really changed since we last talked about it.)
Especially since when I saw your first post, I went to text you, and found that I no longer have your phone number with the switch to my new phone.
I love you. And I am ESPECIALLY pissed that this resulted in you NOT moving to California. Because then we could go to the beach and eat cheese fries and whatever else I could do with you once we lived within driving distance of each other.
Ugh. I’ve been an emotional wreck for the past two days and then I read this and just want to sob and sob and sob. And also hug you. I’ve never even met you in person, but I still just want to fly to NYC and hug you. Or make you come to Austin to visit with Jill and me (we also have delicious restaurants here, you know?).
I’m with you on the feeling like you’ve wasted some of the best years of your life with someone who didn’t appreciate you or put you above everything else. It’s gut-wrenching to realize that a good portion of your 20s were spent with someone who perhaps didn’t love you or invest quite as much in you as you did him. And I’m sorry that anyone has to experience that, but especially in this manner (because it sounds incredibly selfish of him after reading this post).
Keep blaring your breakup/strong girl anthems. And if you need a buddy to get away with and commiserate with, I’m your gal. :)
Katie, I sincerely think you could be the next George Sand. Here’s to wishing you & Kamran the very best in your new careers.
I’ve rewritten my comment a few times due to rage. Here’s what I’ve come up with that took out a lot of explicits.
I’m pissed off for you. The fact that he has repeatedly said to you that he expected for you two to break up so he could date other people makes me angry. The fact that he knew that he was going to be leaving you and didn’t even THINK that you’d want to go with him frustrates me. The fact that he is clearly a narcissistic man who didn’t realize what a good thing he had going on makes me sad for him.
It breaks my heart that you invested all that time, love, energy…all those things and you’ll never get that time back. That you may question if he every fully loved you as you loved him. That work and money was more important to him than love and happiness.
I’m sorry that he was so selfish.
You deserve better, Katie. You simply deserve better.
When you’ve moved past sad and into angry, give me a call. We’ll drink and curse and be sluts together.
…and the word of the day, boys and girls, is “narcissism.”
Every single one of his reasons for breaking up are complete and utter bullshit.
1. “He never intended when he met me to have found his final girlfriend.”
Huh. OK. Well, how many must he have, exactly, before he will be ready for the lucky lady in question to be his FINAL girlfriend? Thirteen? Twenty-seven? One hundred and eighty-two? I mean, if we’re going to be specific, THEN LET’S GET SPECIFIC, GODDAMNIT.
(Yes, as a matter of fact, I AM enraged on your behalf.)
2. “He wants to be a bronzed glamourboy and doesn’t think he can be fit and chiseled in the context of our food-dependent relationship.”
I consider myself a Southern Lady (stop laughing), and contrary to popular belief, I DO have a modicum of decorum, so I’ll just tell him good luck with that.
3. “He’s not ready for the commitment that comes with moving in together, and I insisted that if I follow him across the country, we should finally officially live together.”
OK, I’ll give him that that one’s probably not bullshit, but if you aren’t ready after six and a half years, you ain’t never gonna be.
4. “He thinks it’s normal for couples to break up in the midst of a relationship for no reason other than to date other people. He thinks, but is not sure that, his sister and her husband did that and then got back together and got married, and that seems normal and correct to him.”
That is literally the stupidest thing I have heard all year.
5. “He wants to meet new people who can introduce him to new ideas.”
Does he honestly think you can’t do that within the context of a committed relationship? The Guy and I ALWAYS want to meet new people who can broaden our horizons, as the saying goes. And despite the fact that we have a toddler and are exhausted all the time, we actually manage to do that with some regularity. So again, BULLSHIT.
Cassie is right – you DO deserve better. A lot better. You deserve someone who is at least as focused on you as he is himself, and clearly, Kamran is not the man for the job. I can only imagine how bad this hurts you – hell, it hurts ME, and I’ve never even met you guys in person. So please forgive me if this sounds cavalier, because God knows I don’t mean it that way, but I think you dodged a hell of a bullet.
*Slow Clap*
I, for the record, had my original response almost modeled exactly like this, I just used italics. (ha ha, I’m so lame) But you, lady, hit the nail on the head. Exactly.
Kelly, you are beautifully articulate in your rage.
Thank you both! I’ve always found that I do my best work when I’m righteously indignant.
It’s seriously everything I can do not to fly to NYC and “comfort” Katie with my Crazy Southern Lady brand of smother-love (you know, the kind where I feed her 8,000 calories a day and take her to the beauty parlor and then to church), but it would probably just make everything worse and frankly, I’m not even sure you CAN fry okra in a Brooklyn apartment.
I have to say, I 100% agree with this response. I am also angry and indignant on your behalf, even though I don’t think your intent was to rile up your readership.
I know it will be hard for a long time as a giant piece of your life is suddenly gone, but you seem to have a knack for going on with your life, hanging with your friends in the Hamptons, taking photos and finding delicious places to share with us, that you will come out of this even more amazing than you did going in.
ALSO, I think some of this might be a lawyer thing. My last ex was a lawyer, and some of this sounds awfully familiar…
Boys are dumb. Sometimes they realize it and grow up. An sometimes they don’t. Hopefully he’s one of the former – mine was.
But you’ll be fine and happy either way. <3
I fully agree with everyone who’s basically said that he has acted like a narcissistic ass this whole time. That being said, The worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced was with someone who treated me a lot worse, and had a lot less fun with. When you love someone, you never know how far you’ll go for them. Given the amount of fun you had, and how much you think you fit together, it’s not surprising you “got stuck”.
I used to hate the fact that I stayed with such a douchebag, but now I think of that time as me figuring out what I want in someone I would spend the rest of my life with, and what I shouldn’t put up with ever. So I don’t think you completely wasted your time, but I do think it’s definitely time to look for someone who will treat you a lot better.
I remember how dark everything was after that bad breakup and how much I wanted to just bury myself. Then one day, the sky was blue again, the grass was green again, and I finally moved on. I wish this could be NOW for you, but if not, really really soon. Hang in there.
Oops. Sorry I did a “reply”, I wanted to comment so much I did it with my phone, hence the confusion. Sorry… And love you
Katie!
He needs to do a lot of work on himself before he’s worthy of you or any of those hypothetical future girlfriends, and I don’t mean the body bronzing and chiseling stuff.
I’ve been trying to write a comment, and the more I try, the more I feel like anything I could say would pale in comparison to what’s already been said. So I’ll just say this:
Somebody needs to give you a book deal.
And you are amazing.
(And Kelly basically said everything I wanted to say, only a million times better. Though she was a bit more generous with #2 than I’d like to be.)
I dunno, I think he’s awesome, and your writing’s shitty.
KIDDING KIDDING OMG Everybody is being so serious.
I mean, I get it’s serious. You don’t need me to tell you it’s serious and that you’re amazing. Please. PLEASE. Of all people.
I’d be surprised if you even doubted for one second your own amazingness. And possibly be disappointed.
But… for all that, I care. Lemme know if you need to crash in a Southern apartment for a while, as I pretend I still remember Jump Little Children lyrics and remember that time I hadn’t met you yet years and years ago and decided you were cool, because I am brilliant and psychic.
I’m in the “you dodged a bullet” crowd. If he’s this nuts now, it’s only going to get worse, and you’d end up with someone moving his girlfriend in with you guys after you’ve been married for 15 years.
He’s conditioned you to be accepting of his brand of crazy and think you like it, but you’re going to come out of the haze eventually (him being on the other side of the country will help) and will be able to get angry for yourself. I’m really sorry he’s doing this to you; I’ve been there myself with a couple of guys, though not for nearly as long as you and not with someone as skilled as your ex.
Thanks for writing about it, total respect for that kind of dedication/courage. It’s not easy opening yourself up to the implied criticism of having people say awful things about your ex.
I was very shocked, saddened, and enraged when I read this. :( I don’t know what wise words to say that hasn’t already been said by your great friends above. I’m really sorry. I’m going through a major break-up myself (though I’m too shy to post about it publicly–mine is all on LJ–so kudos for being awesome and not giving a shit and posting about your break-up here. I’m waffling between sad and angry. I guess a lot of men are just idiots, Katie. You deserve someone who will treat you like the Queen Katie you are and not just string you along.
I don’t think you wasted some of the best years of your life because you had fun and enjoyment and love during those years and the best years are yet to come. I want to offer my sympathy and empathy. I hope you make a list of things to do to indulge yourself in the coming weeks as you go through the various emotional stages of grief.
I read this on Friday, thought about it all weekend, read it again today and have come to a conclusion. I agree with a certain commenter from your facebook post who said Kamran is a coward. He has “the grass is greener” syndrome, and he’s in for a rude awakening, because the grass ain’t gonna be greener where he’s going. You could have been such a complementary match for him, and someday he will realize this is his loss. You, on the other hand, will have gotten scooped up by someone who fully appreciates what a gem you are. All of that aside, I agree that these six years should only be looked at as really wonderful, and I really admire you for being able to do that. Also, this was really beautifully written!
he is from the land of fruits and nuts and because he didn’t realize what he had just proves my point. always thought it was odd that he never wanted to meet us but i blamed that on being from the “big city”. my heart does ache for you kate but sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. you will find your prince!
Best. Uncle. Ever.
Katie, you DO have the best uncle ever. And all of your friends feel that way about you, too!
Okay. I’m going to see if I can top the sensitivity of my football comment (because I’m doing so well here). Have you seen the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry ‘develops’ emotions and he and Elaine are shocked because he starts to cry?! I feel like I’m dangerously close to having that sort of thing happen to me here. And also feel like I really want cheese. Like… an obscene amount of cheese. Like, you’ll read about me in a tabloid for having imploded after eating an obscene amount of cheese. Because I was so sad. About all of this.
*sigh* Once again that all sounded much, much better in my head.
Gooo! It’s times like this it actually upsets me how non-verbal I am. I’m really very sorry about all of this, Katie. I wish I had a better way of expressing that…
That’s pretty cheesey. (Just kidding!) Your genuine empathy is so menschy.
This was raw and gut-wrenching to read. I applaud your bravery to so openly confront your feelings about something so personal – with grace and class I might add. Even though I had been holding out for a happily-ever-after for both of you, some of what I’ve read here I find difficult to reconcile on your behalf. For now, I have to say I side with uncle Bob and them. You’ll get through this Kate; you have a huge network of supporters that will make sure you do.