A Guide to What Happened at the Oscars for People Who Don’t Really Care

Filed under there's a difference between films and movies

I didn’t watch the Oscars last night (and similarly didn’t see a single one of the nominated movies this year, because seriously, what?), but here’s what I gather happened based on the tweets and Facebook updates of my friends:

• Billy Crystal appeared in blackface (this has to be a joke, right?)

• J. Lo’s nipple slipped

• People liked Rooney Mara but not her name

• Everyone thought it was funny to talk about current nominees winning for previous pictures (“if Christopher Plummer doesn’t win for The Sound of Music . . .”, “Meryl Streep has it in the bag for Death Becomes Her“)

• Cirque du Soleil was really the whole reason to watch, unless you were a straight male, in which case it was “gay”

• Someone named Octavia Spencer exists and did something that people are “whoo!”ing about

• Last night was the first night that anyone ever noticed Angelina Jolie is skinny

• Someone sang a song and was missing a tooth

• People exist who don’t like Tom Hanks (WHAT?!)

• Jonah Hill got fat again (YES!)

• People care more about zombies than award shows



I didn’t see The Artist, but here’s my favourite Facebook post about its winning, by my friend Steve:

“What a shock! A mediocre movie that makes people feel that they’re smart and sensitive. Once again, the Academy sinks to the occasion.”

His friend Drew asked, “Was it the ‘Here Come The White People To Save Us!‘ movie?”

Steve said, “No, it was the ‘It’s Silent So It Must Be Art‘ movie.”



Until next year, when I don’t watch again!

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18 Comments

  1. Jessica R. says:

    I didn’t watch them either, but this is about what I gathered as well. I’ve heard so much about Angelina’s skinniness that I may just google it and take a look. So glad you summed it up for me.

  2. bluzdude says:

    Why would I watch the hoity-toity Oscars when I can instead watch something so completely full of life lessons, like The Amazing Race and Celebrity Apprentice.

    When Angelina Jolie and George Clooney stage a giant, catty, mutually insulting scream-fest, then call me.

  3. Serial says:

    That’s what I got, too. Except I also found out that Brett from Flight of the Conchords won and Oscar. So he will be getting laid, or, as the joke went “It’s business time for Brett.”

  4. Cassie says:

    Hey man, here in Pittsburgh people like Rooney Mara’s name…but we’re not high class n’at. We just like dem Stillers.

  5. Christy says:

    Thanks for this Katie! Almost makes me wish I’d watched.

    PSYCH!

  6. caropal says:

    I recognized so many comments/jokes that I made.

  7. I didn’t watch, but The Guy being The Guy, of course I had to listen while I crafted upstairs and he watched in the living room.

    I think Billy Crystal really hit the nail on the head when he called it “millionaires giving gold statues to other millionaires.”

    Wait! I’m lying – I did too watch one part! Bill Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg of SHREVEPORT won Best Animated Short for “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.” That was pretty badass. You could practically hear the whole town cheering for them.

  8. Andi says:

    WOW you sure learned a lot by not even watching! Impressed!!!!

  9. Other Steve says:

    Meh. I did watch, and saw all nine(!) of the Best Picture nominees. And while The Artist isn’t the greatest thing ever, it’s well-made and satisfying. The other eight nominees were much, much worse.

  10. Ash says:

    “People exist who don’t like Tom Hanks (WHAT?!)” – These are not people they are robots.

  11. Gena says:

    Let me be momentarily defensive and say that I genuinely liked “The Artist.” It was…very cute. Was it Best Picture worthy? Not necessarily, but in comparison to the rest of the dreck it was up against, they made the right choice.

    Now, people not liking Tom Hanks, that’s some bullshit right there.

  12. Megan says:

    Thank you, I wanted/needed a post like this. What a shock, J. Lo’s nipple slipped and Angelina Jolie wore a slit dress with her bony knee sticking out. Thrilling.

    Please kiss your friend Steve for me, because that quote was dead on.

  13. tasha says:

    I don’t watch the Oscars, but I do check out the dresses afterward, most of which are boring.

    I also went through this superupcloseandpersonal gallery of their makeup, through which I discovered that yes, movie stars DO have pores and fine lines, and also that there was nary a natural lash line in sight.

    http://www.bellasugar.com/Celebrity-Makeup-Oscars-2012-21930205

    • katie ett says:

      Seeing Katie Holmes’ stupid half-smile up close like that made my day/made me lose my lunch. It’s so weird how this reinforced who’s pretty and who’s freaky. NATALIE PORTMAN IS OF THE DEVIL.

      And I am so scared of getting old now.

  14. kimz says:

    Yep, I’m the one who doesn’t love Tom Hanks. I mean, Big was good and Forrest Gump was alright, I guess, but seriously, a leading man? Nah, I just don’t like him. He sorta gives me the willies.

  15. Courtney says:

    This was HILARIOUS. Possibly because I didn’t watch the Oscars either. And am now reading this and thinking it’s the funniest thing ever. Love that FB quote!

  16. I haven’t watched the Oscars in YEARS.
    I still prepare a speech though.
    Just in case.
    :)