Kammy from the Block

Filed under creepy boyfriend obsession

Kamran’s thinking about applying for a clerkship once he graduates from law school, which means he’d spend a year writing opinions for a judge. Seeing as he’s a genius with 800 degrees, I’m sure he’ll end up with a super-important judge, but he’s not convinced:

Kammy from the Block

By “scrappy immigrant”, he means “snobby Persian who was raised in Laguna Beach”. By “science background”, he means “B.S. in physics from Caltech, Master’s and Ph.D. in physics from Princeton”. By “night-school J.D.”, he means “working by day as a patent agent and letting his law firm pay for his J.D. by night”.

DO NOT BE FOOLED!

The only reason I mention this–besides the hilarity of Kamran thinking he’s a gangsta who made it off the streets–is that it means he might move me to someplace like Pasadena or Chicago or D.C.! The horror. What could there possibly be to blog about in those God-forsaken places?!

29 Comments

  1. Tina says:

    DC is the worst city ever and this is coming from someone who works in politics. I pray he gets Chicago, for your sake.

    My ex-boss was a douchebag Yalie who clerked in the Supreme Court just like the ones he described.

    • Ack! Aren’t you supposed to be reassuring me and telling me how beautiful the Holocaust Museum is by the light of the moon? And how you’ve rubbed elbows with Dennis Kucinich so many times you’ve grown tired of his adorable elfishness?

      The only thing I’ve heard anyone say about D.C. so far that appeals to me is that you can’t bring food on the Metro because it’s carpeted. Sounds like a fairytale.

  2. bluzdude says:

    If you move to DC, you’ll probably get robbed or killed at least once a week. That should provide plenty of material.

    • Killed? Once a…?

      ?

      No, dude, I agree. You’re totally right.

      (Plus she’d probably start talking like one of those jerks on The West Wing.)

      • I hope it’s Allison Janney! I’ve always thought of her as such a smart-talking freaky-sexy lady.

        Incidentally, I said just last Thursday that I’d like to quit my job and stay home and watch “West Wing” all day.

    • That’s what they said when I moved to NYC, and the closest I’ve come is almost being vomited on!

      Kamran is under strict instructions to post extensive blog entry with photos of my body if I’m ever killed, so you’ll have that to look forward to.

      • bluzdude says:

        OK, I’m only kidding about DC… I’ve been there at least a couple of times where I haven’t been killed.

        And I would totally stay home for a month if I could watch West Wing all day. WW is the only thing that got me through 2000-2008. I could watch and pretend I still had respect for the President.

  3. karinya says:

    I hate when people who are absurdly accomplished are actually, like, genuinely good/funny people. It makes me feel bad for being all, “well aren’t you a special snowflake.”

    • Especially when I went to high school with them and secretly hoped they’d grow up to have leprosy.

      Kamran actually says really gross things like, “The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know.” It sometimes makes me puke on him.

  4. 1. I am officially in love with Kamran. I mean, not like I wasn’t before, but now it’s official.

    2. CHICAGO? OH, THE HORROR. WHY, THAT’S PRACTICALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE. IT’S OK, KATIE; I SHALL SAVE YOU.

    (Said the girl from Shreveport, LOUISIANA.)

    • 1. I won’t mutilate your genitals for saying so just because I happen to know you love someone else just as much. And maybe even more, if that’s possible.

      2. At least Shreveport has your family! Chicago’s not only 6 hours from Ohio, but it’s surrounded by a lake, Kelly. And it’s known for being cold. And people there own cars. It’s terrifying. If I wanted those things, I’d move to Minnesota.

  5. Alfagirl says:

    “What could there possibly be to blog about in those God-forsaken places?!”

    … Said the girl from OHIO ;)

    • The difference is that Ohio is home. Funnily enough, the one that’s farthest away–Pasadena–is the one that appeals to me most, because at least it’s warm there. AND HAS CONSTANT ACCESS TO DEL TACO.

  6. caropal says:

    CHICAGO CHICAGO CHICAGO!

    Come onnnnnnnnnn you know you want to!

    • I will not be won over by your nonsensical reflective bean! And your way-more-affordable rents! And your year-round need for puffy coats!

      • caropal says:

        Not true! We also have irritatingly hot and muggy weather!

        Um. Kidding? (I’m not kidding.)

        But, in Chicago, you can afford an apartment with central air! Hooray! Also, we have crazy-delicious food. Come on. You know you want it…

    • Tina says:

      I agree with this. Chicago is the best city in America. It’s cleaner than NYC and the quintessential midwestern city — you would love it. It’s super walk friendly and the El is pretty decent. Yes, the winter sucks, but summertime Chicago is like a constant shot of serotonin.

  7. Julie says:

    Maybe he can get a clerkship in Columbus and you can move back home. You know that there is tons to blog about here.

    • Why do I somehow feel like that’s totally true? Is it just because everyone I know lives there? Did you know that Kamran lived in Ohio from 2nd to 4th grade? And that he lived in Muirfeld Village and doesn’t understand that that means he’s rich? And that he pronounces it MER-field and thinks I’m wrong for saying MYER-field even though I’m the native speaker of English in the relationship?

      I wonder if COSi would hire me back. And if Kurt would still be my boss.

  8. Ash says:

    OMG you might be moving away!?! *panic attack*

    Although I have to admit, that Kammy from the Block rendition made my day… before I read about the moving.

    • This is what I hate most about New York: it’s no one’s home, and no one stays forever. I used to get so mad at how people here so callously talked about moving away from me, but now I’m victim to the whims of LOVE.

      I’m here for another year, at least, and maybe Kamran will break up with me in the meantime. *fingers crossed*

  9. thickcrust says:

    He should type out a letter to Kozinski that expresses solidarity and unquestioning support for his positions on the evils of industrialization, technological development and modern society, that he would be honored to be selected to help write judicial manifestos for a year, and that he really enjoys camping, hiking and mailbombs.

  10. Tracey says:

    If you move to Pasadena, you can live with Kamran’s parents. If you move to Chicago, you can live with Dan’s parents. And if you move to D.C., you can live with my dead grandparents! Win-win-win!

  11. Kim says:

    What the fuck. You are not moving to any of those places, sorry.

    Actually, of the options, I like DC the best, despite the above comments re: murder, etc. That does not deter me. DC is one of only a few American cities that aren’t New York that I thought, “MAYBE I could live here for more than like 5 months, if forced.” But I am completely exclusive and will only consider habitating on the East Coast, can’t shake it. If I need to move, I’m moving to Europe before I go west. I’m allergic to California, and despite frequent trips to Chicago to visit my genius vet student sister and ridiculous former friends who demand things like large apartments with affordable rents and nice people, I can’t get past the way they mutilate pizza and gush about that big weird fauxcean of theirs (seriously, you can’t call a lake “the beach,” Chicagoans.) Plus I get really claustrophobic in the midwest, which baffles midwesterners, because, you know, there’s tons more space there. But I think you understand.

    So I guess what I’m saying is, although this blog post was designed to make me love Kamran more, it has made me love him less for maybe taking you away JUST WHEN I GET BACK FINALLY. And that I hope you get DC so you can remain East Coast, even if the girls there are the epitome of creepy sorority-esque East Coast and you’re going to need a lot of Lilly Pulitzer and freshwater pearls.

  12. Nastassia says:

    OMG…you’re LEAVING??? :O
    …the horror… :'(

    NYC is my home and I used to think it was SOOOO BOORING….
    then I went to Ohio.
    lol i’m only half kidding Katie haha
    I actually daydream about visiting Ohio again often ;)