Filed under fun times on the subway, living in new york sucks so hard, my uber-confrontational personality

(I’m not going to make you click on the link to Examiner.com to finish the story like usual, but if you want to earn me a little cash, anyway, here’s the link. Thanks!)

The platform was crowded at Grand Central this morning, and it would’ve certainly been reasonable for me to hang back for the next train, but I could see through the windows that people weren’t moving to the center of the car to make room, and I wasn’t going to let them think that was okay.

So I pushed my way on with everyone else, and I fit just fine. The guy behind me kept rearranging himself, though, so I was getting pushed into the woman in front of me. Who, by the way, was one of those stop-immediately-inside-the-door-and-block-it-for-everyone-else types. I figured that being punched in the ribs a little is one of the most charming aspects of the morning commute, but I guess I got shoved into her one too many times, because she turned and said with the grossest pinched-nose accent, “EXCUSE ME!” Except it sound like, “exCUUUUUZE MAAAAAAY!” I was a good three inches taller than her, and I was still pressed up against her, so I looked down at her in all of her blue-eyeshadowed glory with my most intimidating face and said, “It’s not my fault, lady; I’m being pushed. Calm. The fuck. Down.“

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah. “Calm the fuck down.” You think being told to calm down in an argument cuts? Insert the word fuck at 8:30 a.m.

I had to stand there next to her until we got down to Union Square, and it was uncomfortable, sure, but I felt justified, and she had luckily turned her head away from me. When the train doors opened, people left, we repositioned ourselves in different parts of the car, and I got my Kindle out to continue reading book 4 of the Twilight series. (What?) I didn’t think about her again.

And then, safely inside my office building, guess who walked into my elevator. Future work BFFs!


  1. bluzdude says:

    GAH!! Awk-Ward…

    Good thing you didn’t kick her ass…

    I have to ride the subway too and I can tell we have the same beefs…

    People that board the car and just kind of drift down the middle of the aisle… you can see all the seats being taken by those coming in the other door, but can’t get around the drifter while she decides which seat to finally land in.

    People taking one step off the subway and stopping, while everyone else walks up each other’s heels behind her.

    People that sit on one seat on a crowded train, and put their bag beside them. “Hey lady, your BAG doesn’t need a seat… I DO!”

    People that, as the train is slowing down in the station, go up to the train and walk along beside the door, following it, so they can be first on. (and then, no doubt, become an aisleway floater.) I usually fight that by setting a pick and letting them run right into my stiffened shoulder. “If you want to get on first, get your ass out here where the door is going to open, ahead of time.! After all, it always opens in the same place!”

    I suppose I’m lucky that there generally ARE seats available. Only time it gets bad is if trains are delayed and the crowds pile up while waiting.

  2. Ash says:

    Because I’m such a tiny person, I admit to having hovered near the vertical poles many, many times.. because I’d literally have to be hanging from those horizontal ones if I tried to use them.. But at least I’ve never yelled at anyone bumping into me.. Although, I did want to kick someone into the tracks once for calling me a bitch for no good reason.

    This morning there was a massive fly inside my train. I kept picturing it morphing into Jeff Goldblum. Last night I saw THREE (not the usual one) rats running around the tracks in Grand Central. These are usually the days when I picture myself moving to Connecticut in a year or two..

  3. caropal says:

    I like how you removed the Twilight reference in your professional article. Ha!

  4. Mike Lowrey says:

    I’m only really going to give you this warning once Katie.
    You are in NYC. You can think you are badass as McLovin all you want in your head, but you will get surprised one day.

    See the issue is you assume you’re dealing with same folks who want to go about their day and be happy.
    Wrong. you will cross someone who couldn’t give a fugg about spending the night in lockup over anything.

    I saw the bloodiest fight to this day on a train because someone looked at another person and then said, “Well fuck you”. That person was promptly punched in the nose by a smaller person and then had no other choice but to bleed all over the subway car as we all looked with that “Oh shyt you just got your ass beat look”. Yeah a few of us were smirking.
    It’s hard to keep from laughing when you see a beat down.

    NYC folks want a fight Katie, please don’t get comfortable and provoke them, even if you’re in the right. Don’t get all Michael Bloomberg this is the elite Manhattan stigma. Don’t be a push over, stand up for yourself but choose your words carefully. Most women I know would have bust you in your face by the time you said the Fu… in fuck. I know that’s not saying much about my friends but it’s the reason why I know what’s hood out there in the streets.

    I’m done saving the world one incident at a time.

    PS. now if this woman was a tourist or a White lady from the upper west or the upper east side, disregard every thing I said. this only applies to real NYC folks. Not the Samantha/Carrie Sex in the City types.

  5. welfy says:

    Haha, wow. Yeah, I’m in agreement with your friend above to be careful. Hopefully you don’t get shoved into her at work!

  6. Kim says:

    Twilight 4 gave me rage seizures, with the exception of Jacob’s chapter titles, one character’s badass backstory, and that other thing that is so batsh*t insane it’s impossible not to adore (this is me trying to not spoil, I don’t know how far in you are). And despite three things typed out looking like a pretty hefty “pro” list, overall I DETEST that book and love ranting about it, fyi, if you’re ever interested.

    I mean I never read these. Oh whatever, of course I did.

    Btw, who do I have to sleep with around here to make it into your links list? Btw I need to change blog hosts, I need a links list.

    What was this post about?

    • Oh, I didn’t realize you weren’t on my blogroll. Simple oversight; no sexin’ required. My Blogger blog totally has a rudimentary blogroll, by the way, so I know you have the ability to make one . . . somehow.

      Right now, I’m at the part on Isle Esme right after they had sex for the second time and it wasn’t as painful as the first time. The lack of sex scenes suuuuuuuuucks. It’s not like I want to read “throbbing member” crap, but I’d like to at least know if he’s satisfied with the size of her rack.

      If she doesn’t end up with Jacob at the end, I’m going to need to rant, too, so maybe we’ll start a joint blog just for that. Or, better yet, create a circa-1995 Geocities site.

      • Jack says:

        Just as an FYI, if someone offers you some girl-on-girl action (or as another co-workers calls it “awesome”) and lets you blog about it, you should probably accept the invitation. I’m pretty sure your traffic numbers would skyrocket. Either that, or Mr. Lowrey would provide some very helpful insight for your future endeavors.

      • Julie says:

        Team Jacob? Really?

      • Kim says:

        Team Jacob!

        • Mike Lowrey says:

          Here’s my Siskel & Ebert on it.

          I actually sat down and watched the two twilight movies and I’m mad that I can’t get those 4 hours of my life back.

          Especially the 2nd movie. A pure waste of space and time.
          A movie so bad that it could possibly cause our sun to go supernova and create a black hole devouring our entire solar system.

          Don’t ask me about the books.
          They don’t have enough pictures of chick nudity in it for me to want to read them.

  7. Interestingly, when I visited New York City, the one and only person who was rude to me laughed at me for saying “excuse me.” It probably had something to do with my southern drawl, but geez! I was stepping around her to get on an elevator! What was I supposed to do, shoulder-check the bitch?!

    That’s so awesome that she works in your building. Have you seen her again?

    P.S. The one and only time I’ve worn blue eyeshadow in my adult life (besides for dance performances) was when my ex-boyfriend and I dressed up as Albert and Agador from The Birdcage for Halloween. Just so you know.

  8. Dishy says:

    If I had to do your morning commute I would drop dead.

  9. Tracey says:

    I was soooo excited to click to Examiner and see you say the word “fuck” over there, but then I noticed that you didn’t. Chicken!