No Man Can Resist a Lady Who Looks Good in a Sportsbra

Filed under too much information

If I was ever looking for someone convenient to cheat on Kamran with, it’d be with this neighbor of his I see in the mornings when I come upstairs from the gym in their building’s basement. I don’t think the guy is particularly good-looking–too tall, too gangly, too bowl-haircutted–but he interests me, because every time I see him, he’s shuffling down the hallway at the slowest speed possible. He’s always wearing different colors of plaid flannel pajama pants, a coordinating t-shirt, padded slippers, and wired-rimmed glasses. He carries a book with the cover folded back so he can hold it in one hand and read while he saunters along.

I always see him from behind and then from the side as he turns the corner next to Kamran’s apartment, but earlier this week, I happened to come up from the gym a minute early, and he was just passing by the elevator. He hung back so I could go ahead, and I looked toward him and closed-mouth smiled, but I don’t wear my contacts or glasses to the gym, so I had no idea if he was smiling back or thinking about how happy he is not to be the one who has to touch my sweating, stinking body.


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  1. Kim says:

    Wait wait wait. You go to the gym blind (or blindish)? That’s amazing. How do you operate cardio machinery? Cause I can’t even handle the treadmill without falling off at least once, and my vision as of yet does not require any correction.

    • My vision is good enough without contacts that I can get around the machines with no problem, but I have trouble making out facial features from far away. I mostly just plop myself down on one of the stationary bikes or the elliptical and stare out the window, making up stories about the strange shapes I see outside. Earlier this week, there were what looked to be garbage bags on the sidewalk outside and what looked to be a homeless man milling around them. I think he went over to a tree to pee at one point, and I stared and stared at him to see if he was unzipping his pants, but then I got worried that maybe he was looking back at me and I didn’t know it. It’s also fun when I’m getting ready to leave and want to say bye to Kamran; I’ve accidentally stared at so many guys trying to figure out which one is him.

      I truly believe you about the falling-off-the-treadmill thing, too.

  2. Jack says:

    This is false advertising and you know it! First you draw me in with the sportsbra title, and then you spend the whole post talking about some unattractive dude?? I feel violated ..

  3. Julie says:

    You must wear contacts to the gym! I forbid you to walk around blind – you might miss something blogworthy!

    • But then I have to take them out again to shower when I come upstairs, lest they dry out in the shower. I already consider it a huge hardship on my eye skin to have to pull on it twice a day to put them in and take them out, so I’m not adding to that.

      I could just wear my glasses, though, I guess. Kamran wears some giant wire-rimmed ones from the 90s that are so horrible I know that no woman will ever hit on him down there, which is how I like it.

      • Julie says:

        Are they hard lenses? I shower in mine every day and they never dry out, but they are soft contacts. I’m intrigued by this, in case you hadn’t noticed…

        • They’re soft, actually. And I realized the other day that they bother me a little bit whether I shower in them or not, so I’ve started wearing them to the gym again this week. It makes watching movies on my iPod much easier, let me tell you. Maybe I’ve just been wearing them longer than I’m supposed to, like I always do.

  4. You go to the GYM?! Like, often?! I am so impressed right now!

    That guy sounds like he’s right up my alley.

    • Kamran would say not often. I would say waaaaaaay more often than I’d like. He goes about 5 days a week, and I go about . . . 2? 3?

      And I should note that I only go for about 25 minutes at a time because it takes him so long to wake me up in the mornings that we always get down there late. But still!

  5. anne says:

    Why do your contacts dry out in the shower? I am confused by that. But I applaud your courage in going blind to the gym. The only place I usually go w/o any vision assistance is b/w my bedroom and the bathroom.

    • I think that . . . maybe they don’t. I noticed the other day that they get a little dry by the end of the day even if I don’t wear them in the shower, so I was probably walking around blind for nothing. I also think I probably accidentally stared at a lot of people’s crotches or boobs for nothing. It’s hard to know where to aim your gaze when you can’t really make anything out, you know.