Materialistic and Proud of It

Filed under holidays don't suck for me, narcissism, stuff i like

You know when you get gifts from people that prove they really, really know you? And not only know you but actually get you and possibly even don’t mind you? Here are a few that I received at the end of the year that made me go, “Oh, crap, you actually pay attention to me when I talk to you, don’t you?”

In order of appearance in my life:

1) From Tracey, a pirated copy of The Peanut Butter Solution, which is probably my favourite childhood movie aside from Labyrinth. I don’t know why my mom would’ve taped it off of TV, but she did, and I must have watched that thing 700 times as a kid. It scared me to death, but it likely also cultivated my extreme taste for peanut butter as an adult. Having it back in my life feels like regaining a lost limb.

2) Also from Tracey, Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds Barbie. I don’t, like, collect Barbies or anything, I need you to know, but I do love the film, and I love that someone at Mattel is weird enough to suggest they make a doll WHO IS BEING ATTACKED BY PLASTIC BIRDS. I think she’s crazy-beautiful.

3) An owl locket ring from Kamran. Not two days before this arrived in the mail, we were discussing the steampunk movement on the way to work, and I told him that steampunk isn’t really my style. What I meant was that I like the aesthetics of it but that I’m too lazy to outfit my computer keyboard with typewriter keys and too conservative to wear goggles ‘round my neck every day. Having searched Etsy for the word steampunk to find the ring, he was worried I wouldn’t like it, but umm . . . it’s an owl on a locket with scrollwork on the band. There is nothing about this that is not me.

4) OMG, a vintage mink stole. Like, for real. It was fate, too, because mere hours before it arrived in the mail, Kamran and I saw this girl in the elevator wearing a fur, and I was like, “Why does she have that and I don’t?” And he totally goaded me into talking for ten minutes about why I love fur so much with absolutely no regard to animal life, knowing that I’d be getting one from him later in the day. It has a giant minky button in the front over the closure, and it’s so soft I no longer care to think about–let alone touch–kittens and bunnies.

My dad also got me a copy of Glenn Beck’s Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government for Christmas, but I prefer not to discuss that.


  1. Jennie says:

    It’s official — I am delurking because of The Peanut Butter Solution.

    A couple of years ago, some friends and I were at the Renaissance Festival (this detail is unimportant and yet I shared it anyway…moving on) and I started telling them about this movie I loved when I was younger, about this kid who went bald and then mixed up this peanut butter stuff and it made his hair grow really fast and then some bad guy made paintbrushes out of his hair so he could jump into paintings. No one believed me that it was a real movie and so I had to look it up on Youtube to prove that DUH I’m always right about everything and they should bow down to me. Anyway, remember that part where his friend puts the peanut butter stuff on his junk and hair grows out of the bottom of his pants? I’m pretty sure I didn’t get that as a kid but I sure did on the rewatch.

    Also, was this the longest comment ever? It might be.

    • I was going to ask, “Has anyone else seen this movie?”, but then I figured that no one could resist the urge to talk about it even if I didn’t ask. The Renaissance fair is obviously the best place to share it with your friends, too. I hope you were at the same one my parents used to take me to as a kid, because it reminds me that one year, my dad walked through the front gate holding hands with one of his male friends as a joke, and it strikes me as odd now that he’d do that, knowing how homophobic he is. Anyway, I wish I’d considered the YouTube option, because I just assumed this thing was destined to exist in the corners of my mind with its creepy burned-out house and its peanut-butter-fueled pube-growing. Do you remember why you first saw it?

      Also, how wonderful that you apparently delurked on Delurking Day!

  2. Lori says:

    I have the mink stole envy. Good work Kamran!

    ps – go fix the code on the lj feed. Thank you.

    • And Kamran constantly complains that his gift-giving skillz aren’t up to par. Psh.

      Thank you, lady. If I’m going to leave LJ, I can at least provide a proper feed.

  3. Sandy says:

    I am loving that stole! And it doesn’t count as a PETA (who I fucking hate anyway) violation, since it’s vintage.

  4. Tessa says:


  5. Tessa says:

    Also, I really hope you’ve read Daphne du Maurier’s “The Birds” — the very, VERY loose inspiration for the Hitchcock movie.

  6. Serial says:

    I have a fabulous genuine article ’80s mink coat I’m getting ready to sell on ebay. Big shoulders and all. Shall I email kamran pics first so he can have dibs on it as a valentine’s day gift?

    It’s sofuckingyummy. Oh god dead things are luxurious.

    But I just don’t have the balls to wear it.

  7. Jamie says:

    The pic of you in the stole is adorable. I also like the shower curtain.

  8. Jack says:

    So .. “People that prove they really, really know you” = Tracey and Kamran

    I’ll admit that I don’t really pay attention to you, but you really make for good white noise :D

  9. Noel says:

    This made me laugh because I had a similar experience this Christmas. When mine and Ryan’s gift exchange was over, I looked at him with tears in my eyes (for real) and said, “The best part of all this is not the gifts but the fact that you actually DO listen when I babble incessantly!” True love.

  10. Tracey says:

    I will prefer to believe that these are in order of how much you love them, rather than when you received them.


    That picture of you in your stole is too hot to be hidden behind a link. Flaunt that jazz on the main page, baby!

  11. Kim says:

    That mink stole is incredible (and agree with the above statement, the photo should probably be on billboards) but if I were to rob your apartment – or self – I would be all about that owl ring. Lucky lady, you.

  12. Kirsten says:

    omg the birds barbie is awesome! I love it.

  13. HOLY.


    You cannot possibly comprehend how much I covet and worship The Birds Barbie. I had no idea such a wondrous thing existed.

    Tracey WINS gift-giving.