10 Things I Try Not to Take for Granted

Filed under holidays don't suck for me, stuff i like

Every Thanksgiving, my stepmother-who-I’ve-known-my-whole-life-and-think-is-the-best-possible-stand-in-for-my-actual-mother-who-died-of-brain-cancer-in-2000 puts pieces of dried corn next to each person’s plate at the dinner table and tells us we have to give thanks for one thing for every piece of corn we have. Her kids, who are adults and not 14-year-olds as you might expect, seem to think this is a real challenge, even though there’s usually only two pieces of corn at their plates. Every year, I want to scream, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SAY YOU’RE THANKFUL FOR JESUS AND REGULAR BOWEL MOVEMENTS!!” But their grandfather is always there, and you know how hard it is to get geriatrics off the topic of bowels once it comes up.

Anyway, to prove how totally easy it is for me to come up with things I’m thankful for, here’s a short list:

1) My dad, who I look forward to seeing at every holiday gathering both because he always eats more pie than I do to keep me from looking like a fatty and because he’s totally fine with discussing right in front of everyone what a disappointment I am for not bombing abortion clinics every chance I get.

2) My best friend, Tracey, who pretends with an uncanny level of believability that she misses me when I’m not in Ohio with her and who doesn’t mind if I steal all of her Vanilla Coke Zero when I’m in Ohio with her. And also who doesn’t have sex with her husband for entire weeks at a time when I visit because I’m latched on to her at all hours of the day.

3) Kamran.

4) My best New York friend, Beth, who wears Prada shoes but totally doesn’t mind my Chucks, who drinks artisan cocktails but will totally buy me a Woodchuck or a Magners, and who only listens to Madonna but will totally go see Sufjan with me. If I buy her ticket.

5) Bachelor Girl, who posts things like this without any consideration for the fact that I’m building a stalker case against her publicly in case anything bad happens to me. You are my BBFF, baby.

6) The fact that at some point in our nation’s history, it was totally okay to exploit freaks of nature. (from Anthony)

7) The part of Band of Horses’s “Ode to the LRC” where he says, “The world is such a wonderful place.” Because it really feels that way at that moment.

8.) Mind-blowing hyperrealistic sculptures. (from Kamran)

9) Everyone who reads this thing, including the people who find it by using Google search terms such as “never thought i’d be a homewrecker” and “i scraped off a mole with my fingernail”.

10) Regular bowel movements.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. I’m off to Ohio!

Comments Closed

20 Comments

  1. Noel says:

    I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks for posting :) And enjoy your Ohio Thanksgiving – maybe I’ll see you around Ash-town (ok I don’t think anybody actually calls it that, do they? I hope not).

    • Ashville has so many wonderful names, my favourite of which are Ass-ville and The BIG A-ville, but Ash-town is a new one. You should try to get it to catch on during Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll meet you at the Papa Joe’s!

  2. Laura says:

    Have a good Ohio visit! Also, here’s hoping you can finally sneak a cooler of pork into your luggage.

  3. Cristy says:

    Great post! That hyperrealistic sculpture stuff is amazing! Wow. Happy Thanksgiving!

    • It’s so weird how those sculptures both celebrate and showcase how incredibly ugly the human body is. I love that some artists are crazy enough to spend the time to make them and sort of want to hollow one out and make it my home.

  4. kinard says:

    they have magners in the big city? ugh. more reason to go.
    oh, and i really liked this post. :) thanks for the reminder of what it’s all about. (that being regular bowel movements)

    • The only place I’ve had it is this awful LES bar with a jukebox full of rap and whole parties of people wearing those plastic sunglasses that Kanye does, but I’m willing to put up with those things for it. I can’t promise you a Magners, but you should at least meet me for a Woodchuck next time you visit your parents.

  5. Sandy says:

    I am NOT thankful for the fact that you didn’t mention me by name, but whatever. I’m thankful that someone scraped their mole off with their fingernail.

  6. Sandy says:

    Also, those sculptures are CRAZAY!

    • No kidding. The first guy, Ron Mueck, had an exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum a couple of years ago, and I stared at the subway ads for it every day for months, amazed, and still never went to the show. Still kicking myself.

  7. Ett, you just made my Thanksgiving. Possibly my entire holiday season (unless Henry Rollins shows up to take me to the company Christmas party, you totally win).

    I try not to take you for granted either, you know. I have several Muses, and this blog is one of them. You’re my BBFF too, man.

    And you know what? The world is such a wonderful place. Happy Thanksgiving – here’s to PIGGING the hell OUT.

    • You know I’m way better at co-worker smalltalk than Henry, right? And that I look way better in a tux? Assuming that your holiday party is in a hotel and involves a raw bar like Kamran’s and not that it’s in a dive bar and involves Guitar Hero like mine.

  8. Tracey says:

    What makes you think we’re not having all sorts of sex after you go to bed? Just for that, we’re having sex ALL OVER your blankets and bath towel while you sleep at your Dad’s tonight.

    I mean… I’m thankful for you, too!

    • I sort of already assumed that your couch is covered in body juices, but the towel thing legitimately makes me sick to my stomach. Especially when I picture myself wiping my face with it. Especially if it’s one of the white towels. Fieldcrest Luxury should not be treated that way.

      • Tracey says:

        You’ll keep your Fieldcrest Luxury nice for a couple of months, but before you know it, you’ll get lax and start having sex all over it, too.

  9. Kirsten says:

    Loved this. But I dont think you could eat more pie than me. Impossible.

    Also now I’m going to scour your blog to find the post that talks about scraping your mole off with your finger nail. Seriously.

  10. Alfagirl says:

    Hey, I totally offered to pay you for the ticket! You said no so I bought you a drink instead. :P

    Btw, how does Kamran feel about being #3? Is that a hint that he better make your Christmas gift especially special this year?