Based on the Photo, He’s Likely Also from Ohio

Filed under good times at everyone else's expense

I received a notice from OkCupid’s QuickMatch function this morning that one of the following nine men gave me a high rating:

I looked through them, considering which is most likely to want to bang me, and decide that really, any of them would make a suitable replacement for Kamran if ever a Kamran replacement was needed.

The first guy is at a sporting event, which turns me off, but at least I know he’s likely not one of those house-bound fatties who needs to be lifted through his roof with a crane every time he needs to leave.

The seventh guy looks a little unwashed, but he’s wearing a shirt that appears to say “Iron Lung”, which means he either likes Radiohead or iron lungs in general, and either of those is fine with me.

The second guy reminds me of Randy Travis in profile, but he’s in a plane, and I appreciate a world traveler. And I’m assuming this guy is a world traveler and not an NYC-to-Ohio-and-back traveler like me.

The fourth guy isn’t even necessarily a guy, and that mask is exceedingly stupid, but it leads me to believe the person is into art, which is great, even if it’s dumb art.

And so on and so on. With all of the daydreaming I was doing about my potential relationships with the relatively normal-looking gentleman, it took me several minutes to actually process this guy:

I love the picture, because it’s one of those that keeps him from having to write a single word about himself in his profile. He has a mullet and a mustache and is CREEPILY PEERING AT YOU FROM BEHIND A BUSH. Or a tree. Whatever. The point is that you know all you need to know about him and his late night lady-watching habits from that photo alone.

Which means he’s obviously the one who chose me.

Comments Closed

7 Comments

  1. Noel says:

    Not to mention the fact that his shirt appears to be unbuttoned just past the point of my comfort zone and he’s wearing some sort of super cool piece of jewelry on a leather cord…most likely a locket with your photo inside.

  2. tell me: in his earlobe, do my eyes deceive me or is that a diamond stud glinting in the sun?

  3. Tracey says:

    I really wish you had visited his profile. I’m picturing something like this:

    StalkerGuy69 is LESS political, MORE creepy, and MORE likely to be a sex criminal.

    You and StalkerGuy69 are 84% compatible.

  4. Kelly says:

    And this? Is why I don’t do internet dating anymore.